My horny, teenage self, who has never been kissed, would be horrified by what I'm about to tell you, but it's true: I'm sick of being a sex partner.
I am a sexually adventurous woman who has dabbled in BDSM and enjoys a good sex party here or there, but I also want a partner with whom I can share a deeper emotional connection. Unfortunately, I have consistently found myself stuck in relationships with emotionally unavailable men.
That's why I was so excited when I saw Jon's profile. It was on Feeld, the alternative app for kinky, polyamorous, or sexually curious people: people like me. What I love is that people are explicit about their physical and emotional interests.
Jon then wrote that he was interested in exploring his kinky side and ultimately wanted to find his forever self. I mean… repetitions!
Jon was super cute. A very sexy guy, Glen Powell type. But as I studied his photographs, I realized that I knew him. I racked my brain trying to figure it out and then remembered we had sex 10 years ago.
We met on Tinder and met up a couple of times to have sex. This wasn't unusual for me back then, but the reason I remembered it so well was because he had this strange and mysterious hip problem, which made it difficult for him to walk and move his hips in certain ways.
When we had sex, our positions were limited and I constantly worried that I would hurt him. I know people say “they're going to blow your back off” during sex, but I didn't want to literally break Jon's body.
It was a little complicated, so I just gave up and tricked him. Ten years later, there it was again, and I couldn't help but feel like this was a sign. That the universe knew we weren't ready for each other then, but we were ready for each other now. We had a second chance to start over and try.
So I hit it to the right and we instantly matched. I sent him a message saying, “Hey, I don't want to sound like a stalker, but I think we've done this before. Like forever.” He responded by saying, “If by forever you mean 2016, then yes, I think so too.”
I thought, “Oh my God, he remembered me too! How cute are we?!”
We caught up on the last 10 years of our lives. She said she had become a therapist and had her hips replaced. This time nothing would stop us!
We exchanged numbers and he texted me. “Jon (Tinder)” popped up on my phone. I still had his number saved after all these years. He was even more convinced that this was destiny. It's like my past self knew this thing with Jon wasn't over.
We made plans to go out that week and I was really looking forward to it. I mean, my expectations were dangerously high, but as soon as we saw each other, there was that level of comfort and familiarity that made everything so easy.
We spent the entire day together reconnecting and then the enthusiastic vibe continued. He texted me all the time and wanted to hang out, and not just have sex! I wanted to hike in Griffith Park, go to Thai Town for dinner, and enjoy a Nintendo “Mario Party.” I was getting more and more excited and hopeful about where this could go.
Then one night, we were talking about our kinks and other sexual things. I didn't say much other than I was generally willing to try new things, but it wasn't a priority for me. He, however, emphasized that he really wanted to “explore his kinky side now before settling into a relationship.”
I paused, wondering, “Do you think those two things are mutually exclusive? Don't you think you can have an exciting sex life and a committed relationship at the same time? With the same person? Did we still have Madonna-whore complexes? I thought they had died out with low-rise jeans. I guess not!”
I wanted to talk to him more to clarify what he meant, but I never got the chance. A few hours before our next date, he texted me to tell me he was out with his ex and they were going to try again. He couldn't see me anymore.
I was totally surprised. I knew he had been with his ex for five years, but I didn't know they were still talking or about to get back together. There was nothing I could do except say the calm, mature things you're supposed to say and wish him luck.
Three days later he returned. It didn't work with the ex. And you know, there are few things in life more vindictive than a guy who leaves you and then comes crawling back.
I had a million questions, so we had a long conversation about what happened, and the two most important things I learned were: 1. This ex was not the ex of five years. This was a new, more casual ex that she briefly dated earlier in the year. 2. She was a virgin. The Madonna-whore complex became literal very quickly.
He kept apologizing and asked if we could start over. Again I was tempted. The fateful way this guy kept coming back into my life was compelling, but it became so clear that he only valued one side of me. He couldn't wait for him to worry about the other side. A society is not an “either/or.” It's a “both/and.”
I realized that the sign from the universe was not to keep holding on to him. It was letting go. From him and all the guys who only saw me as a fraction of a partner.
The author is an actor, writer, and public policy advocate who lives in Los Angeles. She shared a version of this essay on the Los Angeles Affairs Live storytelling event in April. She is on Instagram: @ratigupta.
Los Angeles Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the Los Angeles area, and we want to hear your true story. We paid $400 for a published essay. Email [email protected]. You can find shipping guidelines. here. You can find previous columns. here.
