I met Dan on Hinge.
He lives in Woodland Hills and I live in Venice. In Los Angeles, this is considered a long distance relationship. In another city it may be nothing. Here, it is a factor.
But I believe that with the right person anything can work, so I remain open. I'm a native New Yorker, and if I lived in Brooklyn and a man lived on the Upper West Side, it would be a 45-minute subway ride, which is really nothing in New York. So, with that same logic, I try to have flexibility with men in Los Angeles.
When we started planning our first date, Dan suggested three options: a mushroom hike, a wine tasting, or a walk on the beach.
A mushroom hike is something I would only do with someone I already trust, not someone I just met online. I don't go for walks on the first date because I don't like feeling trapped if the guy is a failure. So I chose the wine tasting.
Then I found out the wine tasting was in West Hills.
On a Friday night, driving there from Venice would be crazy. So I said I didn't want to meet there because of the traffic. Malibu suggested. That wasn't ideal on a Friday either.
It was bothering me, this was a red flag because in my dating world, the guy is supposed to come to the woman's neighborhood in the early days. I have dated many men from the Valley who effortlessly suggested coming to see me. It is not strange or impossible.
I suggested he come to the Westside. I didn't specifically say Venice, and in retrospect, I probably should have. He landed in Brentwood, which was manageable for both of us. On our first date, we met at an Irish pub on Wilshire Boulevard. It was prettier and more interesting than I expected, and with the Guinness flowing, we had fun.
When I got home, he texted me: “Well, I like you 🙂 Minus the tik tok and the lack of rock music in your life, but it's not a deal breaker; there are other qualities 🙂 What do you think?”
I noticed the slight negativity, but I was really surprised when a guy texted me immediately after the date to tell me he liked me. In the modern dating economy, this seemed odd.
The next day, our plans for the evening fell through, so we made a last-minute date. The wine tasting she originally suggested still sounded fun, and even though it meant I had to drive to the Valley, I was willing to do it now that we'd met.
We took flights at Malibu Wines & Beer Garden on their airy, romantic patio and played a flirty version of Truth or Dare. Halfway there, he dared me to kiss him.
We ended with sushi on Ventura Boulevard and a brief makeout session in his car. He invited me to Thanksgiving at his uncle's house, which I thought was too soon, but also sweet.
After the second date, he texted and said he had his kids that week and was also hosting an event on Thursday, so their only day to meet up was Wednesday. I said great.
Tuesday night he checked to see if we were still on and I told him yes.
Then he texted me: “I'm flexible in terms of time, but not in terms of location. I have a big event on Thursday, I hope you can see me again.”
My stomach clenched. This again?
So I replied, “Last time I drove to you, which was kind of an exception for me, especially in the early days, but the wine tasting place sounded special. Usually the guys come to my area. How about we change it this time?”
He responded: “I appreciate the effort! Because of my event, I prefer to be near a computer only if necessary… Here's what I offer:
— I'll come to your area anytime next week/weekend.
— Lunch/dinner on my own
I want to continue where we stopped last time 😉 Of course, no pressure, but let's snuggle”
I responded, “Ok, see you next week. Hugs sound good…let's see what happens…”
Then he wrote: “So I won't see you tomorrow?”
I responded, “Unless you want to come see me and bring your laptop, let's do a trial until you have more flexibility.”
He said, “Dang, you're tough. I'll let you know tomorrow around noon if it's okay.”
And then – surprise – he decided to come.
He drove to Venice for a 5 p.m. appointment. He said his estimated arrival time was 5 pm, and it ended up being 5:25 pm, typical for the 405 freeway.
When he showed up, he was in a bad mood. On the way to KazuNori in Marina del Rey, I thanked him for picking me up and told him I think it's hot when the boy approaches the girl.
“You only say that because you want me to come to you more,” he said, not jokingly, but aggressively.
That was basically the end for me. But there I was, in his car, on the way to dinner. So I stayed nice and tried to make the most of it.
I shared that in the early stages of dating, I find it's good etiquette for the guy to come to the woman's neighborhood. He immediately disagreed and started ranting about how ridiculous the dating rules are and how they favor women. He resented paying for dates and stated that he was not looking to “sponsor a woman's life.”
“If women want equality and equal rights,” she said, “then it should apply across the board, including dating, and the man shouldn't have to pay.”
I said that women don't really have the same rights because we are paid less than men and often receive lower salaries than men in the same position.
I tried to change the subject and reset the mood, but he insisted that we continue discussing the matter.
I tried to explain the masculine/feminine dynamic: providing and protecting, giving and receiving.
“What does the man gain from this agreement?” asked.
It was like watching someone's personality transform into that of Mr. Hyde. Then he brought up another point: he's a single father of two, so he gets tired; and since I don't have kids, that should influence who drives where.
At this point, I was barely entertaining myself and concentrating on eating my muffins, and I couldn't wait to get home.
The check arrived and I happily split it, not wanting anything more from it.
On the car ride to my house, he commented, “It's obvious we'll never see each other again.”
Obviously, but was it necessary to say it?
Then he showed me a Spotify playlist he had made for me of his favorite electronic music, because he knows I like EDM.
“Oh, that's sweet,” I said.
“Yes, that's how I show interest. Through things like this, not who leads who,” he replied.
When I got out of the car, we wished each other luck, and I got in and closed the door.
Two hours later, he sent me the playlist. I have yet to listen to it.
It wasn't the distance that ruined it. It was resentment. I'm not looking for a man who feels overwhelmed by effort. I'm looking for a man who sees the value in courting a woman in the first place.
The author is a writer, comedian and former psychologist living in Venice. She is the creator of the new vertical series “Manfari”. She is on Instagram: @solange_neue and @manfari.show.
Los Angeles Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the Los Angeles area, and we want to hear your true story. We paid $400 for a published essay. Email [email protected]. You can find shipping guidelines. here. You can find previous columns. here.
