W.hen Hannah*, a freelancer struggling to survive in London, arrived late to her friend's impromptu birthday dinner due to tube strikes, the six other (more local) guests had already ordered a large number of small plates to share without her. From the ravaged food, he managed to absorb two bites of food and a negroni; So everyone decided to split the bill. “My friend told me 'you've barely eaten anything' but I felt very uncomfortable,” she says. “I probably lost like 20 pounds, but it didn't seem appropriate to back off on a one-off birthday party.”
Unequal splitting of bills is an expensive courtesy and is far from a one-time thing. In fact, one in three Britons regularly overpay on shared bills like Hannah's to avoid awkward conversations about money with their dining companions. Each year this so-called “courtesy fine” amounts to an average of £240, according to new research from Zopa Bank. In particular, young people like Hannah are the most likely to pay an unfair share of the bill: 44 percent of people aged 25 to 34 say they often end up paying much more than they asked for. “It just feels pretty tight,” Hannah says of the idea of pointing out the problem at the table in an attempt to save some of her hard-earned money.
In Britain, we're bad at talking about money, which is why most of us nod politely when someone asks us to split the bill while silently fuming at the four extra cocktails they ordered. That, or there's always the option of competitive eating, where you say you'll have a starter, side dish, and pudding in line with the most extravagant diner at your table in an attempt to even things up. You'll cover the cost anyway, so you may as well make it worth it. Of course, when it comes to the growing total, everyone loses.
With the threat of a global recession, our repression may need to be readdressed. These days, we feel more comfortable talking about our politics, relationships, and mental health than money. But, as Rachel Green points out to Ross Geller in Friends after she, Phoebe Buffet, and Joey Tribbiani struggle to pay for Monica Geller's promotional dinner at a fancy restaurant: the people who don't think or talk about money are the ones who have it, and right now, many of us don't.
Often the discomfort of splitting a bill equally comes from the manager; No one wants to pull out their phone calculator at the table and start doing sums. Inevitably, someone will forget to add the service, causing the waiter to walk away and tell your table that they are £6 short. It's a long, excruciating and unglamorous process, which isn't really all-encompassing. In Denmark, for example, it's common to go to the counter and pay for what you had, or the server will itemize your own total, ensuring the division is accurate and smooth.
Until the UK catches up, Rupert Wesson, director of etiquette advice company Debrett's, says ensuring you're not being misled is far from a misstep. “You might think that everything that happens comes around and that everything balances out in the end. However, you should never feel obligated to do that,” he says. “Being fair and equitable is unlikely to be the wrong thing to do, even if it may seem a little inelegant at the time. If people want to break down their bill item by item, then that's their right. It's a mistake to assume that we know enough about everyone's finances to assume that they can subsidize the eating habits of everyone at the table.”
There are applications that have tried to reduce the effort of dividing the check. Tools like Splitwise or banks like Monzo and Zopa have options to digitally split a bill between a group after the fact, but the mental gymnastics don't end there for the person who initially shouldered the cost. In the last month alone, just over a third of respondents said they had had to chase down friends and family for money they were owed, with some pushing them up to five times before the payment finally hit their accounts.
This does not mean, of course, that no one should bear the cost of someone else's cocktail, coffee, or movie ticket. Even when money is tight, kindness also has benefits. A recent study by researchers at the University of Queensland found that, despite the dent in your bank account, covering the cost of a friend's experience can actually make you happier.
Although it depends on who you are with. In the study, participants experienced an improvement in their mood if they paid for their best friend, but not if it was just an acquaintance.
In this case, the difference was due to different payment expectations. Among friends, the movie tickets purchased by the participants were perceived as a gift; They wanted to cover their friends' night out because they cared about them. With acquaintances, people had higher expectations of payment and noted that they would be less happy to pay them the money.
But, ironically, it is often acquaintances – rather than close friends – who end up paying in one way or another. “It's pretty awkward to make demands on people you just met that night,” says Hannah. “If you know them well, it's not the same. I hesitate to push for something unless it's a very close friend or a roommate, because we live together.”
Without a doubt, uncomfortable conversations are easier to have with people close to us. But surely there is an argument for turning this spirit on its head? If you save money by not running up bills for people who don't bother you, you'll have more money to save or spend on loved ones, which in return will make you feel good. A win for your wallet or your well-being.
Because we are worried about money; not only how much we have, but also how it will affect our friendships. More than one in five adults (22 per cent) admit to feeling uncomfortable when their friends suggest activities that go beyond their comfortable spending limit, while almost a quarter (24 per cent) fear upsetting someone who may be struggling financially, 16 per cent worry about being judged for their own financial situation and 11 per cent worry about appearing “stingy” if they admit to budget constraints. That's a lot of anxiety.
To avoid leaving a bad taste in anyone's mouth, Wesson suggests transparency before dishes arrive at the table, rather than when they are cleared, to avoid being forced to substitute someone else's filet mignon and champagne while you grab tap water and a salad. Of the big dinner debate, he concludes: “It's always best to try to establish, at least in general terms, how things are being done before everyone gets stuck.”
