Jay and I met on Hinge the night I was going to delete my account. His profile painted a picture of intellect, someone who was well-traveled, active, and fun. His messages were witty, and he knew how to keep the conversation going. I was more interested in sleeping, so I eventually responded with a question and logged out.
When I didn’t hear back from him the next day, I deleted my account as planned and disappeared from our conversation. Days later, I received a connection request and message from Jay on LinkedIn. He was away for work, and when he came back to Hinge, he thought he had accidentally deleted our connection and panicked. He was relieved to see that a search for my name and occupation led him to my LinkedIn profile.
I could have been scared, but instead I felt like an old-fashioned date, when you're in a room full of people and you see that one person you want to talk to. He sought me out and I felt chosen.
On LinkedIn we had mutual business contacts, we were both in management positions and our careers intersected. I worked in animated films and he was in toys, producing children’s toys for characters in films I’ve worked on. “Given the intersection of our careers, shouldn’t we at least meet?” Jay asked.
We met at the Brand Library & Art Center in Glendale. Within the first few minutes, I made a curious comment about the library's music CD collection that made him laugh out loud. As I thought, “Did he laugh?” he said, “Great, I laughed. That's as far as first impressions go.” The ice was broken.
We went from the library to a nearby bar. I was drawn to her smile and laughter, which were on display often. Her sense of humor was in tune with mine, which for me is a much sought-after connection. I liked her quiet confidence. The conversation was natural and easy, not one-sided. We ended the evening with a hug and a “Let’s do it again.”
Our next date was to play pickleball and then have dinner at the French bistro Entre Vous in Pasadena. I loved that we went from the court to the restaurant without any expectation of having to change out of our workout clothes. This man was earning points for not expecting me to dress up for dinner.
A defining moment for us was a date that started at Echo Park Lake. We rented a paddle boat on a picturesque day when we could see the downtown Los Angeles skyline very clearly in the distance, with the water and other paddle boats in the foreground. I felt completely myself without the self-consciousness that sometimes accompanies such first dates. After the paddle, we took a leisurely stroll around the lake, twice. Our conversation grew deep: previous traumas, relationships, vulnerabilities, perspectives on life.
We talked about our last relationships. He was in a long-distance relationship for two years with a woman who lived in another state. She helped him out of a deep depression after his divorce. They talked about building a future together, she met his kids, she planned to move in with him. After a great first year, things fell through. She became inconsistent in how she presented herself to the relationship and he ended it.
I asked him if he still had feelings for her. “To me, she’s dead,” he said bluntly. This struck me as harsher than his usual self, so I clearly struck a chord, but it put me at ease.
I talked about my unfortunate three-year relationship with a man who was a prolific liar when it came to other women and completely lacked emotional support when it mattered most. Jay listened intently as I shared my experience to understand why I stayed with a man who started the relationship with red flags.
During that walk with Jay, I felt more seen, heard, and supported than I had in my entire relationship with my ex-boyfriend. After shaking off the seriousness of our conversation, we drove to Barnsdall Art Park for a picnic. Herb Alpert’s “Rise” played in the car. Jay cranked up the volume, rolled down the windows, and we headed into the park like two teenage sweethearts entering high school. The song became the first song on our soundtrack. Billy Ocean’s “Suddenly” would later join it as the song we slow-danced to in Jay’s kitchen while we both laughed at how ridiculously cheesy the scene was and wondered if anyone in the hills of Highland Park could see us.
It was an exciting two months. We could talk about work. He valued my work experience and expertise, and he came to me when he had what he called “What would Bernie do?” moments. I exposed him to new hikes. He taught me how to cook Mediterranean dishes. We saw live music and laughed a lot. I even thought it was cute when he showed up to one of our hikes looking like a beekeeper in his wide-brimmed safari hat. He jokingly wondered how I would let myself be seen with him looking like that, which made me like him even more.
Everything was going well until his ex-girlfriend rose from the ashes of “She’s Dead to Me” with a phone call to Jay. She confessed her love for him and admitted the wrongs of her behavior. He ended that call by telling her he needed time to process their conversation.
In his defense, Jay told me about the call and the mixed feelings that arose from it. He said that by all accounts, he and I were more compatible and that I was smarter, funnier, and in a better position in my career than his ex. But he valued the memories he had of their relationship, especially at its highest point. I respected Jay for his honesty and transparency, but it caught me off guard.
As I debated whether to be supportive or stand my ground, I simply told him what I thought: “I’m not going to come to you. This isn’t ‘The Bachelor.’ I’m not competing. I’m either the first choice or I’m not.” He asked for one night to think things over. Even though I already considered it a choice against what we had, I agreed.
In the end, he chose his known history with his ex over the potential we had. It broke my heart. I felt like I had been unexpectedly thrown off a high-speed roller coaster. It was hard to hear, but I understood.
I don't know how the conversation with her ex went or if she finally got on a plane to have an in-person conversation or if they gave their relationship another chance. It doesn't matter.
Being with Jay showed me a relationship built on intellectual and emotional connection, hearty laughter, and honesty. Even if we had continued dating, it was too early to know how things would have gone. The only thing I know for certain is that I want the same deep connection we had, but with a man who will always choose me.
The author has been a Valley girl her entire adult life. In addition to holding a steady job, she is a freelance writer and creative director. She shares local outdoor inspiration on Instagram @h5tolife.
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