When Jared Snow goes to the hospital, he usually feels intense pain, which he hopes will ease soon. But living with sickle cell disease as a black man in America often tests this hope.
The Compton-born comedian and actor has been living with sickle cell anemia since he was a child. Hospital visits and pain have always been a part of his life. But now he's using his latest project, a documentary called “You Look Fine,” to show the world how he as an artist manages to live with sickle cell disease in an industry steeped in image and perception.
Along with actor and comedian Marlon Wayans, Snow wanted to make the film to raise awareness about the realities of sickle cell anemia and how it affects black communities.
In the United States, sickle cell anemia affects about 100,000 people, and more than 90% of cases are among black people, according to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Sickle cell anemia occurs in about one in every 365 births to black or African American people. People living with sickle cell anemia have red blood cells that are crescent shaped due to a genetic mutation. Because of this, red blood cells can block blood flow to the rest of the body and cause chronic pain, stroke, lung problems, infections, and kidney disease.
The nearly 90-minute documentary shows Snow filming himself inside small hospital rooms, nurses trying to find a vein to stick needles into, and even him trying to work on footage while lying in hospital beds. The film also includes interviews with his friends.
Snow was adamant about showing the blood and needles in the film, as well as images of himself writhing in pain in hospital beds and the frustration of waiting hours for doctors to provide him with adequate doses of painkillers that could help him. He cracks jokes during his hospital stay, but in between you get a front-row view of how exhausting, tearful, and emotionally devastating his illness can be. Interspersed throughout those images are clips from his stand-up shows and him trying to live his best life by traveling, skydiving, and even experiencing snowfall in New York City.
The Times sat down with Snow and Wayans to talk about the film, vulnerability, black men's health and finding lightness through pain.
J. Snow in the hospital in “You Look Fine”
(J. SnowPro)
The handwritten notes with ideas for titles caught my attention. Tell me where “You look good” comes from?
J. Snow: It's something I hear a lot. It's something I've heard a lot during my life. It's cultural Black gaslighting is what it is. When you're in pain, sometimes you look good. When you tell people, “I'm not fine,” they tell you, “Your hair is pretty.” I can't go to the hospital with gold. It had gold beads. Sometimes you go there looking too cute. Sometimes I had to dress down just to try to get help. But if I dress too casual, I look like a bum and they won't really be willing to help me. So you have to find the balance. But that's where it comes from. …I wanted to throw it back in his face. This is something that a lot of sickle cell warriors hear and people with chronic illnesses in general, people with mental illnesses, so I think it's important to highlight how that is literally gaslighting.
What was your motivation to make this documentary now?
JS: I wanted to show that humor lives within this and that there's also a lot of resilience and strength, and that was really the motivator. Also, I just grew up with it, I didn't have much information, I didn't see many men talk about it. I wanted to be different, you know?
Marlon Wayans: For me it fits the brand for several reasons. One is because I love taking the dark things in life and finding some humor in them. And I think I try to do that with my comedy. I try to do it with my specials. I try to do it because I believe we all need to find smiles no matter what your situation is; laughter is always healing and always necessary. As an African American, I grew up when sickle cell anemia was a prominent disease, and in our culture I know that even when it came to dating, my mother would ask, “Who are you dating? You know, because if she has the trait and you have the trait, you know, what could happen?” So I've always been aware of it and now I've lost four friends to sickle cell anemia. I just lost two in the last year. It is a long fight and that is why I am here to support them and our culture and consciousness. And you know, Jay is a friend, and you know, I want him to see the fame.
For Jared, in the movie, you say, “I just want to see what my body can do.” I thought that was so deeply profound. What's your relationship with your body like now, compared to when you filmed that?
JS: When someone sees me eating a salad and says, “Oh, are you eating salad?” I say, “This could save my life.” When I stretch and do yoga, it's not because I want to be a yogi. It's because it literally brings oxygen to joints that suffer without oxygen. It stretches my hips and I want longevity. I see what happens in sickle cell warriors and people without sickle cell who simply age without moving frequently.
J. Snow walks the hallways of a hospital while dealing with sickle cell anemia issues.
(Courtesy of J. SnowPro)
Black people, especially black men, do not take their pain, whether physical or emotional, seriously. What has it been like for you to publicly display that pain?
JS: It has been a challenge. It took me a while to get to the point where I could even talk about this publicly, especially being in entertainment and trying to maintain a certain personality and image in entertainment where your ego crashes into your vulnerability and you feel weak. That's the stigma that comes with people admitting they have illnesses and things like that, especially in entertainment. It makes people not want to work with you. I have suffered for that. I lost jobs while in the hospital because of this. And so it got to a point where it was just inevitable. The pressure increased so much and the frequency of hospital visits became so crazy that it was like they saw you as a very lazy person and sometimes you are either going to clarify what you are really facing and just face it.
MM: I live in pain. I live in vulnerability. I think that's why I create my best work. You know, my parents died. I thought it was appropriate to talk about what hurts me so much. I think some of it takes courage, but at the same time I know it's necessary.
What went through your mind when you first saw that video? [Snow] in the hospital?
MM: “This [man] he's crazy Why are you filming? He made sure to have a GoPro on his foot and set up the cameras; the guy really wants to make it. Forget about this disease. He may be faking it just to make it bigger. He was proud, right? That's because I love resilience, I love that you still have a passion, that you still have something you want to do, and that you have this art and this vessel and this expression, and I know that even though he's suffering, he's healing at the same time, at least, you know, emotionally and spiritually. Because exposing art in the moment when it is happening, when you are suffering, requires a lot of courage on the part of the artist, and that is why I was proud. That's why I support it, because I think it's something I've never seen and I think it's something necessary for the culture.
How has this film changed your relationship with your understanding of masculinity and strength?
MM: For me, it's just a theme. It hasn't changed, it just reinforced what I feel. You know, I've never been one to hide my feelings. I'm going to therapy. I have two therapists, I go for walks. I talk to God. I'm reading my Bible. I understand that life is a long journey of suffering and that you need these outlets, and this film and art are part of that. I have the stage. I always have this thing that I'm expressing because it helps me reconcile everything that's going on with me, especially when I take this pain and make other people laugh or have fun with it, then I'm like, okay, I did something good with that thing that was bad. And this reinforces what I want people to feel. I want people to see this. That's why I support this, because it's a spiritual issue for me.
JS: I think when you stay outside of that vulnerability and you're afraid to delve into it, I don't know, I feel like that's orbiting your true power. The most masculine thing you can do is face your ups and downs and own them. And that's where you discover who you really are. This is where you discover what you can really contribute to yourself and others, and where you become brave. And that's exactly what this showed me, that I can do anything, I can conquer many things. I walk with new energy because I have done this. I literally had a movie on the hard drives, and I sat down for 11 months and edited it relentlessly, and now I have my first feature film because I was brave enough to at least try to do it and not feel like, what are people going to think or what are people going to say? That didn't matter to me. Besides, with this clock over my head, you don't have time to think about things like that. It's like, what do you want to do while you're here? And what I wanted to do was make movies, make people laugh and inspire others to do things they wanted to do too. And that required letting go of that masculine image that was blocking me.
J. Snow on stage at Hollywood Laugh Factory
(Brianna Jose)
The entire film is endearing, but I found those moments of levity so timely, so thoughtful and fun. How do Black people find those moments of levity, often, during these times of pain?
MM: Because black people have gone through a lot of trauma before we enter into family trauma, as a people. We have suffered the greatest trauma of being separated from our family, slavery (we have been through that) and yet we still find it fun. And I think that's been our saving grace: our sense of humor. It has been a lifesaver. It's been a raft in a really rough ocean for us. And I think it's beautiful that we can do that. I will always promote laughter when you are suffering the most to find what is funny, because that takes some of the pressure off. You are laughing and crying at the same time. It's like the best feeling.
JS: It's like oxygen, like when the air is sucked out of the room by your circumstances, your trauma, your pain or whatever. That giggle is like a little breath of oxygen. It gives you something to keep going, to keep thinking, “Okay, where's another solution from here? What else can I do here?” It gives you that encouragement you need.
