Millions of Angelenos flock to the newest, most luxurious, most financially aggressive pseudosciences in the name of health. Wellness is so intrinsic to our identity that it begs the question: Have you done a Vitamin C and Aloe Serenity Scrub under a Bright Red Light Contour Mask using a Triple Hydration Oxygenator immersed in a Vitamin C Longevity Mist inside a gently eroding brutalist, minimalist skyscraper overlooking a Zankou Chicken?
Is all that real? Yes. Are there a lot of bespoke wellness fabrications happening in this city (and maybe even on this page as you keep scrolling)? Also… yes. Today, April 1, we imagine, with our tongues gleefully stuck in our cheeks, how far wellness trends could go in 2026. Whether you're a true believer or here for a few laughs (wink, wink), we can all agree that Los Angeles isn't afraid to cling to the margins.
Cabbage core
With more than a dozen varieties grown in and around Southern California, (cabbage) heads will be rolling if Angelenos can't get their fix of this vitamin-rich, potassium-laden, calcium-ruined VIP antioxidant in 2026. Used for lactation suppression, nutrition, a nice hat or coleslaw. Who is the “it” girl of 2026? It's cabbage, honey.
Girl, it's 2026, you don't need to pay for all that grilled shrimp! These delicate menus are sweeping Los Angeles' most popular restaurants, offering the 5 to 11 bites of food you'll need to look like you haven't manipulated your pancreas to release insulin, which will signal to your brain that you're totally full.
FIFA for adults
With the World Cup just around the corner, soccer-loving Generation X and older millennial Angelenos are desperate to get in on the action. Enter World Cup Camp, a place where older fans can enter the life of a professional footballer without the chronic, excruciating(ish) pain. Think of it as space camp…but for the “athletic” DINKs who played high school football just a couple of decades ago! From shoes with orthotic insoles to scoring a single point with the international flag of your choice, this weekend is all about having fun with your ill-fitting old-time soccer gear, taking a couple of great photos and doing some mediocre but serious exercises that would make 41-year-old Cristiano Ronaldo proud.
Chrononutrition
An ancient nightmare, unpleasant even by Los Angeles standards, Chrononutrition aligns dining windows with the movement of the sun to optimize metabolism, sleep, and body conditioning (so popular among Los Angeles multi-hyphenates). This exciting nutrition system can include fun things like nearly blinding your boss with direct sunlight at an outdoor business lunch, or shoveling food in his face from 5:10 to 5:11 pm If you loved creating an entire personality around intermittent fasting, welcome: you've found your people.
Hot line dancing
Los Angeles' line dancing resurgence is back…and hotter than ever (literally). Creating greater flexibility, grounding, and foul body odor, moving in 105-degree heat is having a wild, wild feel-good moment. Do you know the steps? Of course not! But no matter, just grab your best skinny jeans and chunky leather goods and step into Club Bahia's famous “Summer in Van Nuys Room,” for a night of pure heat, lunges, and Nama to stay hydrated.
Optimized Flatulence
Your gut biome is the holy grail of well-being, so it's only natural that we humans want to find it, conquer it, and aggressively exploit it. Enter Optimized Flatulence, the disturbing new flatulence trend on your own schedule. No more embarrassing surprises! A simple sequence of “substance” type probiotics triggers a relaxing unconscious state, regenerating a utopian gut biome in just six to eight weeks. After awakening, the newly cultivated gut flora in the biome will respond to your neurological directive, allowing you to ultimately control when and where the wind cuts off.
Circadian Overhead Lighting
As most Angelenos know, anti-aging efforts come in many annoying forms. But this time, the call comes from inside the house. your house. Los Angeles homes are increasingly equipped with lighting technology that mimics the exact shade of the sun. These “circadian lights” are designed to protect melatonin production, a new (and expensive) weapon in the war against looking old. The best part: Using these lights means you'll be in bed by 6 pm, ready for a night of total darkness and forced rest. Elegant!
Amino acid trips
This is peptide packing at its hallucinogenic limit, no yurt needed! Take a small but powerful pill of Los Angeles-grown, protein-rich amino acids, optimized for longevity and fat-burning properties, and let the amino acids carry you. If you thought the injections were effective, wait until the onslaught of millions of strains of ambiguous compounds arrives! They say an amino acid trip is like two lifetimes of therapy, a stint in rehab, and a fight with your absent father all rolled into one.
As a wise, wellness-conscious Angeleno, you wouldn't want to be the last one in your overly intense preschool mom text chain or your chakra balancing Zoom class to engage in these trends, right? After all, spring is here… and, well, I also admit it: these trends are completely false and illegitimate and, like many real treatments based on fads, are intended purely for fun and not serious consumption.
Happy April Fool's Day!
Leib is a comedian, television writer, podcaster and cultural journalist who, to date, has never worn a cabbage as a hat.
