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Happy monday to everyone. So today jury selection began in the Hunter Biden gun trial. And as a welcome gift, those selected received a free dime bag. To make sure it's a jury of their peers, they're looking for people who received fake jobs in Ukraine, smoked crack in a sensory deprivation tank, had sex with a dead relative's wife, while getting a stripper pregnant. So far, they found one. Possible witnesses include Beau Biden's widow, Hallie Biden, Hunter Biden's ex-wife, Kathleen, and a gun store clerk in Delaware. Or, as Hunter calls it, his dream quartet.
Over the weekend, President Biden was seen biking with Hunter in Delaware. It's part of their new exercise program called “Not Dying.”
I had to work hard to get one for you. I wonder if you guys are going to like these. Mexico has officially elected its first female president. I know! Yeah, like you care. Oh, finally a woman. Oh, go you girl. Shut up. Her name is Claudia Sheinbaum. That's right, Claudia Sheinbaum. Do you know the Sheinbaums from Tijuana? You should try their Gefilte fish tacos. But her first task as president? Getting her daughter to marry a doctor. Ha ha! I do not care if you do not like. God, if I did, I'd be miserable.
MEXICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE SHEINBAUM, WHO PROMISES TO REDUCE CRIME, FACES HUGE OBSTACLES FROM POWERFUL CARTELS
Today, during his testimony about the response and origins of COVID in the United States, Anthony Fauci said that claims of his influence on the analysis of CIA lab leaks are a conspiracy. And that makes him sound like Jason Bourne. But he look, man, no one confuses Fauci with Jason Bourne. One is a person who kills people with government backing and the other is Matt Damon.
Over the weekend, pro-Hamas protesters clashed with a gay pride parade in Philadelphia. Despite their differences, they were both united by their love for suspicious packages. And the official Facebook page of the US Navy SEALs was mocked for marking the start of Pride Month. But to commemorate the month, with each attack on a compound, a terrorist receives a free makeover. Alright, so the Donald J. Trump saga continues. Actually? What did we talk about before him? Apart from me, of course. It's a shame we only have an hour. But have you noticed the reaction to Trump's condemnation? He's more turned off than my TV during Jesse's show. Of course, there are the usual cases of insanity where anything related to Trump is cause for incontinence.
JOY BEHAR: My reaction was that I was at Costco buying, you know, ten cases of Keurig coffee and my watch started going off, and I got so excited that I started dripping a little bit.
Then Joy Behar pees at Costco. And for the first time, these weren't free samples of chocolate-covered lard nuggets. But aside from Joy and a few actors who have been actors, where is all the noise? Nobody dances in the street crying or urinating with joy. The truth is that even some on the left admit that this prosecution was not justice. Some acknowledge that they had gone too far even before the verdict. It's like when you're fighting with your spouse and you make a casual comment about his meatloaf and you realize, oh shit, I'm waiting. And they are right. The verdict resulted in a surge in Trump's polls and a massive $200 million increase in donations. 200 million dollars!!
TRUMP VERDICT ACTIVATES DONOR CLASS, LEADING TO MASSIVE FUNDRAISING IN MAY
200 million dollars? That's more than I make in a year. He even crashed the Trump donation site, something he hadn't seen since I started that GoFundMe page to ban Brian Kilmeade from public parks. Buy a dog if you want to hang out there. Within 24 hours, Trump's new TikTok account gained more than 2 million followers, crushing the Biden-Harris account that had a five-month lead. And to be fair, it's a low bar. Hell, even Hillary's left testicle has more followers than Biden-Harris. But the vapid idiots on TikTok are a voting bloc Biden can't afford to lose. Whats Next? Is Biden starting to lose ground among dementia patients? The fact is, Americans can tell the difference between Trump and Biden. One is faced with a sentence, the other cannot complete it.
Berenson said he would vote for the Democratic candidate instead of Donald Trump in 2024. (Photo by James Devaney/GC Images | Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)
So how does Trump do it? How do you turn a conviction into an electoral stroke of luck? How does he convert the energy of his adversaries into power? I call it the theory of eternal suspense. With Trump, when one event ends, another equally exciting one is unleashed. It's like the orange Harry Potter. And what creates the suspenseful moments are those obsessed with defeating him. It is a perpetual motion machine.
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His attacks can't help but set the stage for: what will he do next? And what he does next creates another cause of attack. Do you think you killed him? No. There it is in the next chapter to furious applause.
