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Last night, in a prime-time address from the Oval Office, Joe Biden said it was time to step aside, which represents the biggest exercise he has done in a long time. In the roughly ten-minute speech, Biden attempted to list his accomplishments. That left him ten minutes.
During the speech, Biden said he's passing the torch to the next generation, but is that really necessary? It's not like the young Democrats haven't been doing a phenomenal job burning everything to the ground. Of course, Joe has a long history with fire. Whenever he's in the room, people are always lighting matches. But still, he's passing the torch. I'm guessing he doesn't want to be incinerated, or maybe he does. Skeptics claim the speech wasn't live because the time on his watch didn't seem to match the time of the speech. But at this point, who really knows?
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White House aides are very glad that Joe Biden has drained the battery on his watch. During the speech, they had a camera recording several members of Joe’s family, including his children, Hunter and Ashley, and his wife Jill. Keeping them off-camera was the only way to ensure Hunter kept his clothes on.
Meanwhile, Biden's seventh grandchild, Navy, was there too, some 750 miles from the camera. If you were looking for any answers from Joe Biden's speech last night, it's unlikely he'll ever answer questions. It just generates more of them. Here's one. Why did his team give him the same spray tan as Trump? He looks like he's wearing a “Biden” mask. He looks like a Halloween pumpkin in the hot sun with a candle burning out. Was the local embalmer going on vacation and told Jill, hey, I better put a coat on him in case something happens while I'm in Aruba?
As for the speech topic, good luck finding one. He's doing so well that he asked to retire just to end on a high note. Hey, my life is so great I think I'm going to kill myself. Joe talked about George Washington, Abe Lincoln, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt, but he sounds more like William Henry Harrison, Zachary Taylor, or Warren Hardy. He talked about honesty, decency, respect, and other things he couldn't pronounce and rarely practiced. Heck, he could have talked about skydiving, pole vaulting, and weightlifting, and it would have been more believable. As usual, he promised to tell us the truth. I would have crossed my fingers, but he can't. There's a huge lie here.
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PRESIDENT BIDEN: We are also securing our border. Today, border crossings are lower than when the previous administration left office.
No. By now, viewers wish they could be shot in the ear. What he didn't do was answer the question on everyone's mind: Also, do you wear pants behind that desk? Why did you drop out of the race on Twitter but remain president? He didn't say. I mean, that's like making a speech about the sexiest TV host without mentioning me. He did say something about passing the torch to a new generation, which we all know is a JFK line. Well, if he came in plagiarizing, he might as well go out that way.
So he's passing the torch, but it's more like he's passing the wind. Joe stays, because even though the presidency is in a realm, it's about saving democracy. He said “democracy” seven times, and each time it meant less and less. He did with the word “democracy” what TuPac did with the n-word. But it's just his way of saying that Trump is a threat to democracy without being blamed if some other nutjob shoots him.
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Did you see what happened in Washington yesterday? The party that keeps promising to save democracy loves to attack people and vandalize, and not hold fair primaries. The party that wants to save democracy pressures illegals to vote, which hurts yours. It eliminates safe spaces for women, bans gas stoves and, one day, cars, and suppresses news on social media if it hints at dissent.
Meanwhile, they expand the rights of criminals, which limits their freedoms to live. So Biden is practically admitting that he is too old to run for office, but not too old to be president. They can't think of a good excuse for him to drop out of the race without it, which means he should resign, but also, he has too much left to do. Maybe because he did nothing while in office. He even promised to cure cancer by January.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: I will continue to fight for my goal of ending cancer as we know it, because we can do it.
No, he's not. All he's going to do for the next six months is shove his dinner plate in his sock drawer and try to turn on the TV by pointing his shoe at it. No, I bet he votes for Trump by accident. So he tore up the written speech, forgetting what the lines were even about. Like this mulch.
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PRESIDENT BIDEN: And that day I told you while I was in that… winter… we are in a winter of dangers and a winter of possibilities. Dangers and possibilities.
He looks like a stupid-faced weatherman. And we're not supposed to care that he's still president. He wouldn't be a coat rack, but the media appreciates him.
NBC: This was a speech that will go down in history, just like when LBJ announced he would not run for reelection in 1968. And we've seen those clips played over and over again throughout time. This is the kind of speech that will be repeated for decades to come.
Yes. It has been repeated for decades in medical schools to teach students how dementia manifests. Continued.
CNN: Yes. The question is, does character still matter? Well, yes, tonight it does. Tonight it does. The stuttering boy did well. He did well. He's a good man. He fell on the sword. He fell on his sword.
CNN: This moment puts him, you know, alongside a group of great Americans, like the George Washingtons of the world.
MSNBC: He was selfless on a level that I think is important, in a way, when we talk about George Washington being selfless.
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No, no, no. The only thing she has in common with George Washington is body temperature. If the media spent more time on their knees, they'd be Pornhub stars. What does Dr. Jill think of all this? The one who hid him from the public and the sun. She tweeted: Thank you for the trust you placed in Joe. Now it's time to place that trust in Kamala. Then she ran off to France to watch the Olympics. Well, she's a deadlift fanatic. So the woman who lied to us about Joe's health wants us to trust the other woman who lied to us about Joe's health. Sorry, I've been lied to enough by women. Not to mention the people who told me they were women. But you know what the family did next? They all had ice cream, which is what you do after you get your tonsils out. The problem is, this tonsil is still there, an easily infected lump of tissue that you can easily do without.
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