Gutfeld: Biden is like 'the mad king, a senile guy' who can barely hold on to the presidency

So, with each passing day, it becomes more apparent that we live in a country run by an insane royal family. We have the Mad King, a senile guy who can barely hold on to the presidency, let alone his own insides. We have the Evil Queen, a self-centered status seeker who demands to be called a doctor even though she isn't. It's a PhD in education. It's like demanding to be called a pilot because a stewardess once pinned wings on your shirt when you were 12. It's true that getting a PhD in education is about as hard to get as getting a horse burger at my slaughterhouse. And of course, there's the Privileged Prince, a cheap Caligula, whose idea of ​​a family outing is an orgy. They seem to need their own theme song.

GREG GUTFELD: DEMOCRATS AND THE MEDIA HAVE BEEN EXPOSED

Let's start at the top. The guy is hanging on by a thread and that thread is hanging on by a hair plug. On Monday, Joe sent a letter saying he would stay in office. I'm told we have a copy of it. In one part it says, and I quote: “The voters of the Democratic Party have voted. They have chosen me to be the party's nominee. Now we just say that this process didn't matter, that the voters have no say?”

Well, in truth, Democratic voters have fewer options than the orphans I hire to shave my back. In short, the letter says we have successfully lied to them. It's too late, get out. He's defiant. He's angry not just at Democrats, but at the dying of the light. He's telling Democrats to come get me. Will they? Not if the evil Queen can help it. During a solo campaign stop in North Carolina yesterday, Jill claimed that Joe is fully engaged. If she means entombed, she's right.

Did he support your career? What exactly did he do for your career besides marry you? He didn’t stop being a senator so you could go to a fake medical school. You were a substitute teacher. You weren’t separating conjoined twins. So, as one of those sign language interpreters, you see her now at every event, front and center, waving her arms like she’s warning people away from a bathroom that Jerry Nadler just stepped out of. The signal is that a vote for Joe is a vote for me. She’s like Leonard Skynyrd. Yes, they still tour, even though they’re all dead. And yet the media is terrified to denounce her because she’d do anything to stay where she is. She doesn’t want to go back to Delaware. No one does. The only thing worth seeing in Delaware are the signs for New Jersey. But her compassion is as fake as her degree. She should be teaching summer school to slow kids, but instead she’s posing as the good wife while pushing her confused husband into traffic. And how will that play out? Joe can’t resign. She will be seen as the villain. It will be humiliating. No more parties. No more expensive dresses. No more stains on “The View,” no more gagging on Whoopi’s persistent, pungent farts. So she’s forcing him to do this? Not for his health. He’s dying. This is for her. And she knew these days were coming.

First Lady Jill Biden, Hunter Biden, son of U.S. President Joe Biden, accompanied by his wife Melissa Cohen Biden, leave the J. Caleb Boggs Federal Building on June 11, 2024 in Wilmington, Delaware. A federal jury convicted Hunter Biden of all three federal weapons charges he faced. (Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images)

Don't yell, just talk. That's exactly what I tell Judge Jeanine. But they let her talk and she doesn't. Maybe she really is the acting president. It's pretty obvious that Jill is the one campaigning because Joe can't. If you wanted to prove that the debate was an isolated disaster, he'd be there proving it. Instead, all he did yesterday was call in on morning breath and yell. But you have to give him credit for at least not trying to order a pizza. And for once, the people who say he's lost his mind weren't referring to Scarborough. Yeah, but what about the Prince? Joe's fun-loving son Hunter is now the de facto keeper of the commander in chief. More like the de facto keeper of the crypt. But this job is perfect for Hunter. Hunter is used to locking himself in hotel rooms for weeks on end, planning and plotting. And who better to give Joe something to keep him awake? We already know how he can get cocaine shipped straight to the White House. It's strange that after all this, Hunter is in the Oval Office. Can you believe it? From a halfway house to the White House. From drug addict to Lincoln's bed, from meth pipes to the Stars and Stripes.

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This is all crazy. You know, they told you that if you didn't vote for Joe, the White House would be occupied by a power-hungry tyrant who refuses to leave office even when everyone knows he's unfit and that a convicted felon would be running the country. I guess they were right.