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You missed us. You missed us, didn't you? I understand. Happy Wednesday everyone. So Joe Biden won a big victory on Super Tuesday. He woke up. I mean, consider the alternative. But the president lost American Samoa, and when he found out, he said: It's a shame I really like his cookies.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump went 14-1, losing only in Vermont. Vermont has a population of more than 645,000 people, or as Trump calls them: total losers. Nikki Haley suspended her presidential campaign after a series of losses on Super Tuesday. She got 46 delegates compared to Trump's 731, and still called it a success, proving once again that women can't do math. Oh oh. Shut up!
According to a report, the Biden administration has secretly transferred 320,000 illegal aliens to 43 airports. Joe claims that they have a lot in common with these people since they don't speak English either. Ha ha ha. Charles Barkley said he would punch black people in the face for wearing t-shirts with mugshots of Trump. Fortunately, his victims won't have to worry about him having rings. Yeah.
Woke Department of Veterans Affairs officials moved to ban that iconic Times Square kiss photo from World War II in agency buildings. You see that. Saying that was no longer appropriate for today's military. So they're replacing it with this. After coming out of a coma last summer, Madonna claims she spoke to God, who told her, “Oh my God, me.” Come on, Kat, that was funny.
KAT TIMPF: I like Madonna.
I know, but oh my self is funny to me anyway. Governor DeSantis announced that Florida will crack down on spring break festivities this year. Now, underage students who want to get drunk and have sex will have to return to university. It's true.
Hillary Clinton is telling voters to accept the reality that Biden is old and re-elect him anyway, and Bill told Hillary to accept the reality that he's going on spring break.
Instagram was down for almost four hours yesterday, leaving many with no choice but to ask people directly if they like the way their butt looks. That's all it's good for. Facebook also suffered a widespread outage, with nearly half a million users reporting they were unable to access their accounts. It's the first time something has happened to them.
TIRUS: You're in rare shape tonight.
Yeah.
TIRUS: Wow.
They are antibiotics. Kyrsten Sinema will not seek reelection to the United States Senate. However, she will hire a new wardrobe consultant.
TIRUS: What happened to him?
I don't know, RIP. An Oregon woman earned a Guinness World Record for her unusually large tongue, which measured more than five inches in diameter. In her acceptance speech, she said: Flap, flap, flap, flap. Alright, let's do a monologue.
So, with Trump marching toward victory in the primaries and Biden's slow implosion, we should once again get used to seeing the curiously timed media stories that will attack the Don. This week's comes from Rolling Stone. If you don't remember that magazine, it sucks.
NOT JUST COCAINE: THE SECRET SERVICE REVEALS THAT ANOTHER BANNED SUBSTANCE WAS FOUND IN BIDEN'S WHITE HOUSE
His recent article claims that the Trump White House was plagued by drug use. The headline reads “Trump's White House Was 'Flooded With Speed'…and Xanax,” essentially saying that the Trump White House is no different than the offices of Rolling Stone. But here's what's strange. What led the newspaper to investigate this was a report released in January by the Department of Defense detailing how the White House Medical Unit managed medications during the Trump administration. How nice of the Department of Defense to snitch on them. Talk about proof of a deep state. That information came from the Department of Defense before the election. It's almost as if the timing and post were meant to undermine a candidate. Seems like a big deal, right?
This is the fucking Department of Defense, people. There is nothing else you can focus on. They left billions of dollars worth of military equipment in Afghanistan and are concerned about the use of Ambien by some West Wing critics. Lloyd Austin didn't show up for a week. And he worries that a White House employee stole Xanax four years ago. Don't you have better things to do? How to employ an activist to supervise the disposal of nuclear energy waste? This guy with stickier fingers than Jeffrey Toobin.
I know, the article concludes that White House doctors failed to comply with federal guidelines by dispensing non-emergency controlled medications, such as Ambien and Provigil, without verifying the patient's identity. Now, for those who don't know, Provigil gets you out of the Ambien haze after a long flight, which is normal for anyone in a position that requires travel like reporters and politicians and the drug mules who supply Dana Perino your growth hormone. . Yes. And what did Rolling Stone do to fill in the missing details? Call the anonymous sources department.
SECRET SERVICE CLOSES WHITE HOUSE COCAINE INVESTIGATION, SAYS IT'S 'UNABLE' TO IDENTIFY SUSPECT
So, I wonder, would those be the same anonymous sources who revealed Russian collusion to us, the ones who told us the laptop from hell was fake, or the ones who tell us that, behind closed doors, Joe Biden is as shrewd as ever? ? I'm starting to think that the anonymous source is a person who is simply a master of disguise. But I guess it's a lot easier to lie when no one knows who you are.
But what if it's true anyway? You know what it shows. It shows that even when it comes to drugs, the Trumpers defeated the Bidens hands down. When you think of the current White House, you think of Hunter, the coke, and everything they inject into Joe to keep him upright. Now, as anyone who's been around a user knows, cocaine is a drug that makes you babble incoherently, makes you think you're smarter than you are, more important than you are, just, overall, better. of what you are. That's why on the street he is known as Jesse.
TIRUS: Tonight there is no stone unturned.
Yes, but while the Bidens specialize in a drug based on escaping their failures, the Trump White House was apparently taking drugs to enable them to work harder.
HUNTER BIDEN'S GUN BAG HAD COCAINE RESIDUE, PROSECUTORS SAY
In the Biden White House, people took drugs to cope with a lifeless boss. In the Trump White House they took drugs to keep up with a maniac. The article claims that Trumpers took stimulants because they needed a boost of energy after a late night, or simply to pump themselves up to face another day at an exceptionally stressful job. I get it, that's why I put Ritalin in our office water cooler. But he also claims that some Trumpers took Xanax to calm themselves while enduring sky-high levels of stress in America's highest-pressure environment.
So, they were using it as intended. Wow, there's a story. What a scandal! Whats Next? A revelation about John Bolton's use of lice combs on his mustache? Regular applications of flea powder in Amorosa? I know, and yet these two writers think this is an election-year scoop, writing that, “With Trump pushing to return to power… a full accounting of the misuse of powerful stimulants and sedatives is not just a “a matter of historical interest. It is a preview of a very possible future.”
That's why Rolling Stone now, after decades of glorifying casual drug use, is concerned about stimulant abuse. Don't you remember who ran Rolling Stone? Jan Wenner. Hell, a 2017 biography details how cocaine was everywhere in the office. If Wenner “heard an office door slam, his Pavlovian response was to go find out who was doing cocaine without him.”
TIRUS: Curse.
What happened to you, Rolling Stone? You should change your name to kidney stone, you ossified bastard. But forget about Rolling Stone's past. What's happening with the media today? Do the two morons who wrote this nonsense realize that they just described the drugs that fuel their entire profession? Xanax and Adderall are so ingrained in the information industry that they drug test you to make sure you are taking them.
HUNTER BIDEN'S PHONE CONTAINED MULTIPLE PHOTOS OF COCAINE, CRACK COCAINE AND DRUG PARAPHERNALIA: DOJ
And what would happen if some of Trump's staff received prescriptions? You'd also need a stimulant if you were around Mike Pence all day.
The fact is, the only thing higher than Hunter during the Biden White House has been the price of eggs, oh, and Trump's current poll numbers. This is why these stories are appearing. Joe is in serious trouble, so he expects every possible shot to be fired at Big Orange. Law, false accusations, more sex, more drugs, more urine. He's already making me nostalgic for Larry Kudlow's hot tub.
As Trump racks up primary victories, they will become increasingly desperate. And that comes from me, not from an anonymous source.
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