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So I'm back. And it's true, I had a baby. I was off work for a month and I have chewed nipples to prove it. Eat your heart out, Mayor Pete. I guess that qualifies me to run the Department of Transportation. Speaking of trans… any man who thinks that putting on a dress with a wig makes you a woman, no way. I was there when that baby was born and no guy can do that. You could also put on a diaper and say you're a baby or a president. But there are few things worse than someone in the media having a child. And not only because you have to imagine them having sex, but they act as if they were the first person to do it, as if they had just invented having children.
GUNS ARE NOW THE LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH FOR AMERICAN CHILDREN, THE CDC SAYS
It's funny. Just a few years ago, many new parents said that having children was selfish. How dare you bring another mouth to feed among the starving billions? Then they have kids and suddenly their precious brat is the exception. They went from hating kids to having one they can't wait to transition to. It surprises me even more that some moms can be so pro-choice. It's like being a biological Benedict Arnold. Because these moms know that having children is the best thing they can do in their life. Apart from ironing.
A SEXIST WOULD SAY!
But rather than endure the smears of their fellow diaper deniers for pandering to the patriarchy, they encourage women to abort the only thing that gives them meaning in life. Besides watching this show, of course. What then is the male equivalent? Well, imagine a guy winning a Bronze Star and saying it's not worth it. Sorry, that's the only thing you'll remember on your deathbed. Well, that and the orgy with the cast of The Facts of Life. Yes, Charlotte Rae really knew how to have fun. And yes, I compare motherhood to war because it is.
THE SCIENCE OF FATHERING: WHY DADS MATTER
The women serve a nine-month tour of duty and by the end are so full of hormones and exhaustion that they make PTSD look like athlete's foot. And for that reason, we must treat moms like conquering heroes. But the message from most libraries? Don't have children. But if we do it, it's because our children will be better than yours. Because in the media we act as if everything we do is of greater importance. But do you think my Uncle Frank, a plumber, had to take a month off every time his wife got one? Please. This guy had an embolus in his hand three minutes after his umbilical cord was cut. Now that I think about it, I think he brought the embolus to the birth, just in case.
So I'm not going to brag. Seven billion people have been through this. But if you're surprised that I have a brat at 60, imagine how I feel. When my wife told me she was pregnant, mine was the first diaper she had to change. It's not easy, but it's not transcendental either. The lesson I have learned is how much I have to unlearn. I mean, throughout my life I have mastered the art of being selfish and that has helped my career. But a great career isn't difficult when it's all about you. Although there are exceptions. But if you work hard for ten years, you can master any profession except maybe pornography, because in five years you will already be old.
Ask Trace Gallagher. It may be a silver fox, but you're done once the rug matches the curtains. So becoming a father at my age forces me to learn things that many of you learned when you were in your 20s, 30s, and 40s: that you have to think about someone else. And for me that is difficult. My whole house has changed. Now there is someone else sleeping in the bassinet. But a wise person told me this: once you have a child, you can't regret anything you did before because changing the past would erase the possibility of having that child. Maybe that's why Alec Baldwin keeps having kids.
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It's amazing. Suddenly I have no regrets after 60 years of bad behavior. That's why my message to you, men and women. If you regret your past, have a child. Yes. Yes. It's easy. Almost anyone can do it. And really, kids practically take care of themselves. Right now, mine is in the car double parked outside. Don't worry. I rolled down the windows.
