Know that How do you feel when you're on a first date with someone and you instantly hit it off? When the conversation flows effortlessly about a niche show you both like, you can't help but smile like a Cheshire cat. When you feel like fireworks are exploding in your stomach, that's called chemistry.
But what happens when you don't feel that spark right away?
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“I think a lot of people have this idea that you need to feel this crazy romantic and sexual chemistry when you go on a first or second date, and if it's not there, that means you're not a viable couple,” she says. Amy Chan, author of “Breakup Bootcamp” and founder of a retreat for people going through breakups. “And that's where I see a lot of people get it wrong.”
Aaron Martin, a San Francisco-based marriage and family therapist, says our society's desire to obtain things urgently also plays into this.
“They teach us to grab the things we want,” he says. “If they are not useful to us, we have to move on to the next thing. We go from one job to another. We do all these things at a very fast pace and I think human connections don't necessarily work that way.”
But just like friendships, romantic chemistry isn't always immediate.
It's also not the only indicator of whether someone is a good fit for you. Here's what four relationship experts say you should consider before giving up on a person just because you didn't feel butterflies right away.
Chemistry can develop over time
Often when people go on a first date, they try to gauge what kind of connection they feel with the other person. It's also a common wrap-up question people ask someone after a date: Did you feel a spark? You like them?
But Chan says this is unnecessary.
“You don't need to know if it's [a] sexual or romantic [connection]” says Chan, adding that he encourages people to think of their first dates as a way to determine if they have a “base connection” with someone.
“You don't need to know what category it belongs to because it sometimes takes time for your brain to process what kind of connection it is, and you won't know until you spend more time with that person.”
“When you and someone can be yourselves around each other, I would say, that's when romantic chemistry is really at its peak.”
— Matthew Brinkley, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Chan tells his clients to ask themselves two simple questions when going on a date: “Am I having fun?” and “Do I want to see this person again?”
“If you want to see that person again, it means there is dopamine [the feel-good hormone]which motivates you to want to get more of that reward and not worry as much about its situation in the future,” says Chan, who also hosts a podcast on coping with breakups.
Matthew Brinkley, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical educator at USC, says he believes it's important to look for romantic chemistry early on with the person you're dating, but it doesn't have to be intense or passionate from the start. Chemistry develops over time, says Brinkley, who often posts dating advice on TikTok.
“When you and someone can be yourselves around each other, I would say that's when romantic chemistry is really at its peak,” he adds.
Elizabeth Overstreet, a North Carolina-based relationship strategist who works with global clients, compares the chemistry in romantic relationships to that of friendships.
“If you think about your friendships, for example, they didn't form overnight,” he says. “Your friendships took a while to form. Sometimes you didn’t like someone at first and now your best friends.”
And he adds: “Then you start having experiences and you think: 'They're not what I thought.' “So I don't know why when it becomes romantic, we don't have a similar investment in him, especially if he's going to be someone you could be with for a long time.”
Martin recommends that people who are often looking for a spark in the early stages of dating reflect on these questions: “How has this focus on instant chemistry helped me connect with other people in the past?” and “Has this ever caused connections to be severed prematurely or a feeling of regret?”
Your chemistry compass may be broken
There is a reason Why you feel a strong connection with someone from the beginning, and it all starts in your subconscious mind, says Chan.
“That 'spark' you feel on a first or second date involves complex neural and hormonal processes,” he says, adding that your brain releases dopamine, which is responsible for pleasure, desire and motivation. That spike leads to an increase in heart rate and alertness.
But that feeling can also be misleading if “the chemical compass is broken,” he adds. For some people, that spark may actually be an indication of trauma bonding, a close relationship that forms when one person abuses another, who then becomes attached. Or it can be felt when you like your partner's negative traits, perhaps because they reflect negative childhood experiences. That is known as a deprivation attraction.
“What they're noticing is, 'This feels very familiar,'” he says, adding that it happens subconsciously. “This chaos and unavailability makes me feel at home, so this is chemistry.”
You may also feel strong chemistry with someone after an exciting date, like riding a roller coaster, watching a horror movie, or taking a trapeze class, Chan says.
“[When] You feel this crazy madness [and] If your heart is racing, you may unconsciously transfer that emotion to the person you are with. You can’t tell it apart,” she says. “There are many different reasons why you may feel that way, and they may not always be healthy or right.”
“I think more attention should be paid to compatibility because it is actually the predictor and indicator of the success of a long-term relationship.”
— Elizabeth Overstreet, North Carolina-based relationship strategist and author of “Love You and He Will Too”
Another component Overstreet says people should pay attention to during those first dates is their compatibility with someone.
“I think more attention needs to be paid to compatibility because it's actually the predictor and indicator of long-term relationship success,” says Overstreet, who is also the author of “Love You and He Will Too.” “So yes, chemistry is the gateway, but if you don't have trust, if you don't have commitment, if you don't share core values, that chemistry will disappear.”
And just as chemistry can grow over time, it can also wane over the course of a connection, which is why some long-term couples wish they could rekindle their flame.
“I think of compatibility as that long-term lifeline,” Martin says. “If that chemistry is the first lap of a race, compatibility is like laps 3 to 12. It's like marathon work.”
He adds, “[If] The race starts and we're running full speed and it feels great, but when you get to lap 3 you're like, 'Oh my God.' I am so tired.' That may be where the compatibility piece takes over, or it may come and go from time to time. So maybe that sexual attraction or that spark or chemistry has diminished, and there are still many other parts of this person that I love and appreciate. These are the daily reminders of why I am with them.”
Take the second date.
If you went on a first date with someone and had a good time overall, but you still feel insecure about them, it's worth going on a second date, relationship experts say.
Unless there's something you blatantly didn't like about the person or they failed on one of your deal breakers that you can't live without (you hate cigarettes and they're a chain smoker), Overstreet tells their clients to give them another chance. . Shooting.
Changing the setting on a second date (for example, doing an activity like bowling together instead of having dinner together) can also give you a different perspective on that person.
Plus, first dates can be awkward. So Chan tells his clients to mentally rate his quote on a scale of 0 to 10, with 10 being the highest and zero being an absolute no. If it's a 5 or higher, he encourages them to date the person again. Anything less than that, especially if you feel “disgusted” by the person, could be difficult to recover from, she says.
Chan adds: “But I think a 5 is that fine line of maybe they were nervous. Maybe you were nervous. You only have a very small set of data about that first date.”
If you've been focusing on romantic chemistry in the early stages of dating and it hasn't worked for you, experts suggest trying a different approach and seeing how it works.
“I have experienced this myself. I've had clients who have experienced this where you meet someone and then you build a good relationship and then there's trust, and then the feelings come and there's no right way,” Chan says. “I think people need to understand that there is no one way.”
