It's hard to know what to do or say when a loved one is going through a devastating breakup. No matter what you try (talking about it, not talking about it, vilifying the ex, inventing fun distractions), the pain continues to consume. Is there a correct way to relieve pain?
According to experts, there is. Although every heartbreak is different, some basic strategies can help us avoid well-intentioned pitfalls and provide thoughtful support to a loved one grieving the heartbreaking loss of a partner. The key, therapists and academics say, is to remember that you can't make pain go away. Instead, what you can offer is empathy, validation, and a place for your friend to share her feelings without judgment.
“If you can create a space to sit with their pain and let them know that you're not going to try to fix it or change it, you're doing a lot right there,” said Tamala Black, a Culver City-based psychologist who specializes in trauma. “Everyone has their own rhythm for when they are ready to release that pain and let go.”
Understanding anguish
Someone who is in the middle of a painful breakup is experiencing several losses at the same time. Even if the relationship was toxic, even if your friend initiated the breakup, you may still be grieving the loss of your identity as part of a couple, the loss of a close friend and companion, and the loss of an imagined future. They may also be experiencing regret, internalized shame, and guilt over the end of the relationship.
“Love is a fundamental human need, and being in a long-term relationship can shape our reality by altering the way we see ourselves and the world,” said Ron Rogge, associate professor of psychology at the University of Rochester in NY. “When that relationship falls apart, life shatters. Your identity is fractured.”
A breakup can also lead to chemical changes in the body. Sex and intense skin-to-skin contact cause us to release oxytocin, a hormone associated with feelings of calm, security and joy. The experience of falling in love and falling in love releases high levels of dopamine, a hormone that activates a reward circuit in the brain that generates feelings of euphoria. When a person suddenly finds themselves separated from their beloved partner, a constant flow of feel-good chemicals is abruptly interrupted.
“It's like a retreat,” Black said. “It's like all this love, all this care, the physical contact, the going out, they no longer have a place to exist.”
Avoid traps
Seeing a friend in this altered state may make your own heart break, but trying to fix the problem right away won't help. “You can't cure someone's pain by trying to reduce it,” Black said.
With this in mind, when a friend is recovering from a recent breakup, Rogge suggests refraining from giving advice unless that person specifically asks for it. “Remember that you are in the middle of a hurricane of emotions and you don't need to learn any lessons or make any decisions right now,” Rogge said.
If your friend asks you for advice, you can offer your perspective. But he chooses your words carefully. “You want to share your thoughts and feelings in a kind way,” she said.
You may also be tempted to share stories about your past breakups and how you got over them, but that can be counterproductive. “That doesn't really help much,” Black said. “It often causes the person to shut down emotionally.”
And, most importantly, you should try to resist criticizing the ex-partner in question. For those who feel protective of their friends' well-being, this can be incredibly difficult (especially if we never liked the ex in the first place). But Rogge says it's worth the effort to hold back.
“It's a dangerous thing,” Rogge said. “Often they still love that person and see them as a part of themselves that they are grieving. And there is always the risk that they will get back together.”
If you get back together after criticizing your ex, your friend may feel like he can't trust you anymore, she said.
In any case, speaking badly about a friend's ex-partner usually doesn't have the effect you expected. Many people romanticize their ex at the end of a relationship and long to reconnect with her fantasy about that person, Black said. Paradoxically, putting down a friend's ex can make your friend feel defensive, making it difficult for them to let go.
appearing
So what can a loving friend do to support a loved one through heartbreak? The answer is deceptively simple: show up and leave your expectations at the door.
“A good friend will reach out to the person and let them know that you're not afraid of their sadness,” said Becky White, founder and CEO of Root to Rise Therapy in Los Angeles. “It's letting him know, 'I don't need you to do it.'” be happy or positive. I'm here for you and I'm not going to hide or be scared.'”
Rogge suggests letting your friend talk as much as they want, listening to them with an open heart, and validating their emotions. “Letting them know that it makes sense to suffer like this is very helpful,” he said. “It validates their feelings and gives them permission to accept them, experience them, and allow them to begin to pass.”
As for activities that might provide that kind of comfort, there are plenty of things you can do besides watching rom-coms on the couch with Häagen-Dazs in hand. You can also offer to accompany them on outings they used to share with their partner, like shopping or having breakfast on a Saturday morning, Rogge said. “That can mean a lot as they put their lives back together, just knowing that they don't have to do it alone.”
Be on the lookout for situations that could be triggering: the smell of a certain perfume or cologne, a favorite song, or watching a TV show you watched with your ex can drive someone crazy. If your friend has to go somewhere where he might run into his ex (a children's school concert or a church service), you can offer to go with him as support. It's okay to avoid those places for a few weeks after a breakup, but you shouldn't abandon them completely. “Be careful with too many changes at once,” Black said. “We don't want them to become disengaged from their normal ways of living life.”
Anticipating times when you might feel especially lonely can be a big help. For example: approaching Valentine's Day or Christmas, holidays that you used to spend with your partner.
“Asking them to call us and let us know what they need puts another burden on them,” Black said. “What we want to do is recognize what they need.”
Although no one recovers from grief overnight, pay attention to the amount of time a friend spends in a dark place. If it's been more than six months, or if you notice that they are withdrawing, neglecting responsibilities, or abusing substances, you can suggest that they find a mental health professional to talk to and offer help finding one.
“We never want to diagnose our friends, but grief or sadness that results in isolation, withdrawal — if they don't eat or stop answering phone calls for a long period of time — that's more than sadness, it's depression,” Black said.
And finally, remember that judgment only adds salt to the wound.
“Whether the relationship was healthy, whether they were ready to separate or not, that person is really trying to deal with what it feels like to be an individual again,” Black said. “No heartbreak is greater than another.”
