Nick Cannon, television host and polarizing procreator, has secured a $10 million insurance policy on his testicles.
The father of 12, who notably welcomed five children with five different women in 2022, said the valuation means he can claim the title of “Most Valuable Balls.” The denomination even comes with its own trophy.
“Haters say it's time for me to stop having kids and let this super sperm rest, but I'm doubling down on these precious balls and my future children,” Cannon said in a statement.
The “Wild 'N Out” host specifically thanked personal care company Dr. Squatch, purveyor of men's soap, for “giving my balls the credit they deserve” and taking out an official policy through Marsh & McLennan Agency and Momentous Insurance Brokerage.
The company said the rating was extrapolated from Cannon's responses on its virtual ball rating tool, which assessed the gonads' “size, favorite features and bedroom maneuvers.” (A disclaimer in fine print clarified that the questionnaire was “in no way scientific.” Scientific fact: mere mortals who answer the questionnaire will probably be encouraged to buy soap.)
Much has been said and discussed about the expansion of the Cannon family. Over time he has leaned into jokes, appearing in a 2022 commercial with Ryan Reynolds to mix up a cocktail called “the vasectomy,” aka “the mother of all cocktails,” and consoling Elon Musk last year afterward. that the tech mogul welcomed the twins.
Cannon told The Times last year that he never planned to have a large family. Rather, he said, he was a hopeless romantic and a people pleaser.
So when the ladies in his life said they wanted to have children, he listened to them.
“I just wanted to give them what they wanted,” he told the Times' Amy Kaufman. “I kept saying, 'I can handle it.'”
He also said that he doesn't care what other people think, and that the $100 million he earns a year (far more than his testicles are supposedly worth) is the true measure of his success.
“Right now the narrative is, 'He has a bunch of kids,'” he said in 2023. “But now I'm really in a place where I don't care what people know. I prefer to just operate. It's more about actually being a good person rather than telling people you're a good person.”
Apparently, now he will also tell her about his testicles.
