The good news: None of the predictions I made in last year's annual Gustradamus column came true. If any had done so, it would have been a sign that the apocalypse is near.
The bad news: the apocalypse is here.
Donald Trump is about to become president, and he's licking his ketchup-stained lips at the prospect of punishing California for not bowing to him the way, say, Jeff Bezos did. Democrats are in the political wilderness now that Latinos seem to have overtaken them. The city of Los Angeles faces a $130 million budget deficit. The USC football team plays in something called the SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl, while the UCLA team stays home and probably hops in and out of the Young Research Library.
With so much pessimism, I wish I could predict good things for 2025. But my Magic 8 Ball sees little to look forward to except a lot of laughter, because we will have to laugh at the cruelty and antics that come from the world. White House to not cry, you know?
Here's some of what I see happening over the next 12 months:
*USC, desperate to return to football glory, leaves the Big Ten Conference after just one year for something a little more manageable: the high school Trinity League. They finish in last place after perennial prep powerhouse Mater Dei drafts all of its players, leaving the Trojans with a team consisting of the school's marching band, outgoing president Carol Folt and journalism students. The latter group has never seen a football game, not even Madden.
*In one of his final acts as president, Joe Biden declares the Graffiti Towers, the trio of long-abandoned downtown skyscrapers that became Los Angeles' largest tagging canvas, a national monument. The City Council votes to charge an entrance fee so people can tag and base jump as they please. The resulting crush of tourists rescues Los Angeles from fiscal insolvency.
Labeled on a partially completed downtown Los Angeles skyscraper, directly across from the Crypto.com Arena at LA Live.
(Irfan Khan / Los Angeles Times)
*Speaking of City Hall, Los Angeles Councilwoman Monica Rodriguez is invited to appear in the live-action version of “The Incredibles” as her animated double: mercurial, brilliant, bespectacled and fashion-forward Edna Mode. The San Fernando Valley politician wins the Oscar for best supporting actress simply by playing herself.
*After Donald Trump's Latino vote share increased in every presidential election since 2016, despite an avalanche of insults that included bragging about taco salad at Trump Tower, he shocks the world by granting amnesty to all illegal immigrants, including a double amnesty for Venezuelans. and Central Americans so that they can vote twice. The measure guarantees that Latinos will become Republicans for the next generation. It also leads Gavin Newsom and Nancy Pelosi to personally build a 100-foot wall on the US-Mexico border, brick by brick. Kamala Harris volunteers to stand guard in Calexico with a giant inflatable mallet, because she has nothing better to do.
*LeBron James announces that he will play until he is 60 to become the first NBA player to lose alongside his grandson.
*Danny Trejo, who I suggested in 2020 should have been named US Senator from California, declares that he will enter the 2026 gubernatorial race. All the other candidates immediately drop out, because who wants to debate Machete? Trump immediately softens his anti-California stance, so Trejo doesn't crush his short-fingered hands the first time they meet.
*Without a job, no political future but with plenty of free time, former Los Angeles County Sheriff Alex Villanueva and former Los Angeles Councilman Kevin de León start a podcast. It lasts an entire episode after they both pass out from moaning so much.
*Union leaders call the incoming president of Baldwin Park High School's senior class anti-union over a project praising local chain In-N-Out, whose workers have never formed a union but enjoy some of the wages higher in fast food. They managed to remove the student after a $1.2 million campaign.
*The Times debuts its bias meter with my column. AI-powered doohickey self-immolates when I encounter my first use of Spanglish. Times owner Dr. Patrick Soon-Shiong stops the project and focuses on trying to cure something easier than modern journalism: cancer.
Pedestrians walk past blooming jacaranda trees in South Pasadena.
(David McNew/Getty Images)
*Someone finds a purpose for jacaranda trees that is truly beneficial to humanity.
*After a year of feuding online and via diss tracks, rappers Drake and Kendrick Lamar announce they will settle their beef once and for all with a wrestling match in the parking lot of Tam's Burgers at Rosecrans and Central avenues in Compton. Since Lamar has home field advantage, he gives Drake the first kick, punch, body slam, suplex, piledriver, Stone Cold stunner and wedgie. Lamar still wins easily. Drake returns to Canada and takes Justin Bieber with him.
* Elon Musk, who is suing the California Coastal Commission for not allowing him to launch more SpaceX missions from Vandenberg Space Force Base, decides to move his operations to Mount Whitney. Newsom, a longtime friend and benefactor of techies, tells Musk that's fine, as long as all those rockets don't harm the environment. Musk responds by training the bears there to drive his Cybertrucks so he can start a new Uber rival. Newsom praises Musk's move as environmentally friendly. The mega-millionaire then turns Mount Whitney into his hideout, calling it Mount Mar-a-Lago.
*I take long, relaxing vacations. Hey, who am I kidding! Consider it a miracle if I take a two-hour break, and it certainly won't be at In-N-Out, which will still be overrated.
