Parent burnout is real. Here's what you can do about it

It has been several years since children returned to their classrooms and workers returned to their offices. We dined indoors at restaurants and didn't hesitate to get on a plane for a family trip.

COVID-19 is not disrupting our lives as it did in the days of lockdowns, social distancing, and mask mandates. So why are so many parents still struggling as if we were at the height of the pandemic?

A report released Wednesday by researchers at The Ohio State University College of Nursing sums it up in two words: parental burnout.

“When the pressures of parenting lead to chronic stress and burnout that overwhelm parents' ability to cope and function, it is called parental burnout,” the report explains. This condition makes moms and dads “feel physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, and often separated from their children.”

In a survey of 722 working parents conducted in June and July 2023, 57% reported symptoms indicative of this modern disease. That's just a small improvement from the first months of 2021, when 66% of parents surveyed were described as burned out.

The report's authors, Kate Gawlik, a family nurse practitioner, and Bernadette Mazurek Melnyk, the university's vice president of health promotion and chief wellness officer, found that people struggling with parental burnout struggled to keep up. of unrealistic expectations. They felt judged by family and friends if they had not gotten their children onto the honor roll and onto an all-star sports team while planning picturesque vacations and keeping their homes clean and tidy.

Those are the wrong goals, Gawlik and Melnyk said.

The survey found that the more extracurricular activities a child engaged in, the more likely they were to have trouble concentrating, get into fights with other children, have low self-esteem, and exhibit other behaviors that can lead to poor mental health. .

However, those risk factors became less likely when children had more time for unstructured play and spent more quality time with their parents.

Not only is there no such thing as a perfect parent, but the more you try to be one, the more your efforts will backfire, Gawlik and Melnyk said. They spoke to The Times about what they've learned about parental burnout and how to overcome it.

What prompted you to study parental burnout?

Kate Gawlik: We really got into this idea of ​​parent burnout during the pandemic. When he started, he had four children and the oldest was in second grade. He was trying to work and be a father and homeschool and all that. He had this constant feeling of having to do everything all the time.

I had heard the term “burnout” but never really connected it to parenting. One day I heard the term “parent burnout” and thought, that's what I feel. It's not like depression, it's not like anxiety. It's this very concentrated feeling of exhaustion related to being a parent and having to do everything.

We are in a much better place than we were back then. Does that mean parental burnout is better too?

Bernadette Mazurek Melnyk: People assumed that once the pandemic was over, things would automatically get better. Our current study shows that that is really not the case. People didn't just recover like many people thought they would.

Gawlik: That's why we wanted to study this again now. We don't have the same stressors we had before. We wanted to see what the stressors are now.

And what are they?

Gawlik: I feel like parents are now trying to make up for everything they lost, or felt they lost, during the pandemic.

We've really latched onto this culture of achievement. I see that and feel it every day. Parents feel this continuous pressure to keep up with everyone else. If your children are not in honors classes, you need to get them tutoring so they are. If they are not the best at sports, they should play them even more.

It's this continuous cycle of more, more, more, more. How not to feel exhausted?

Melnyk: If a parent feels like they are a good parent, there isn't as much burnout or mental health issues. But if they don't feel good about their parenting, there is more exhaustion, more depression, and the children have more problems. So the self-criticism part is really key.

What makes someone prone to parental burnout?

Gawlik: Social media is very powerful and embarrasses parents a lot. A parent may look at social media and say, “They seem to be doing everything and are very happy and their house doesn't seem chaotic at all. What's wrong with mine?

Melnyk: This whole “perfect parent” image that so many people strive for, it's really important for parents to know that there is no such thing.

Were you surprised to find that parental burnout was still so prevalent?

Melnyk: It was right where we expected it to be. The pandemic was not resolved and then everyone goes back to normal. It takes time.

Were there any other findings that surprised you?

Gawlik: One of the things that I think was so surprising was the relationship between childhood mental health and the amount of extracurricular activities that children participate in. This is a great example where maybe as a parent you say, “Okay, you can come back.” In sports, you can do anything.” But it is almost harmful because we know that children need time just to play.

Children's job is to play and they can't do it. We are robbing them of those opportunities because of this whole structure. It's all good intentions, we do it to help our children, but the results of our study show that that is not where we should dedicate our time and concentration.

Does burnout at work contribute to burnout at home?

Gawlik: When you are with your children, you are always thinking about the things you need to do at work. And then when you're working, you're always thinking about how to help your kids. So you're constantly in this state of confusion, where you feel this pull from both areas.

Melnyk: Honestly, in all likelihood, if you are a working parent with children, especially if they have mental health needs, you will not have a work-life balance most of the time. That's another unrealistic expectation.

In your report you talk about “positive parenting.” What's that?

Gawlik: The goal of positive parenting is to build a relationship with your child. Many times we lose that part of the relationship or put it in the background compared to what others expect of us.

For example, everyone became very attached to our electronic devices during the pandemic. We were connected before, but this was on a whole new level because now everything was through Zoom or through his phone. What that tells a child is: “My parents are working. My parents are talking on the phone. “I’m a second-class citizen for that.” You have to think about how that makes a child feel.

What can parents do to overcome their burnout?

Melnyk: Quality play time with your children is essential. Not just be with them and listen with one ear and work on something else at the same time. It doesn't have to be hours at a time. Whether it's 10 minutes or 20 minutes, giving your child your undivided attention is worth its weight in gold.

Adults need time to continue doing the things that bring them meaning and joy. If you don't dedicate time to them, you will burn out much faster. Parents do a great job taking care of everyone else, but they often don't focus on their own personal care. You can't pour from an empty glass, and that's what many parents try to do.

If a parent is feeling stressed and overwhelmed, the thought of making a change may seem even more stressful and overwhelming. How do you break the cycle?

Gawlik: That can be complicated. When you get into this cycle of burnout, even a cycle where you feel like you're not a good parent, it can be very difficult to get out of. You're going to have to make an effort.

When you feel like you literally can't wear one more thing, that's when you have to change your priorities again. What can you give up to have the mental capacity to do it? It will look different for every parent.

My house is a mess 90% of the time and I don't feel bad about it anymore. I just tried to rephrase it. My children are creative. Our toys are gone because children play with them and don't sit in front of a screen. I'm okay with the fact that my house isn't clean all the time because I can't do that along with everything else I do and feel like I'm successful.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.