You're a Yankees fan traveling to Los Angeles for the first time. Of course you have questions.
After all, you've come west from an old, dense, smelly, shrinking, corruption-ridden city while we wait here in a young, sprawling city that's… well, okay, smelly too, increasingly smaller and plagued by corruption.
But we have In-N-Out. And on those winter days when you're at risk of freezing like an ice sculpture on the sidewalk, we're standing around in yoga pants and shorts, pretending like we just surfed.
You're rooting for a fledgling team (founded in 1901) whose home is a novel baseball stadium (opened in 2009). We cheered on a more venerable institution (the first season of the Brooklyn Trolley Dodgers: 1884) and frolicked in a vintage 1962 stadium.
You gave the world George Steinbrenner, Billy Joel and the Bronx Cheer. We gave the world Vin Scully, Randy Newman and the High Five.
You might eat tastier pizzas and bagels, although at least one New York food critic thinks the best bagels are in Berkeley. We have everything else tastiest, including Dodger Dogs.
Anyway, you're here now. Upon arrival, prepare for the glorious ease of LAX, the down-home beauty of Century Boulevard, the high-speed convenience of the 405. Next thing you might wonder: Will there be enough parking at Griffith Observatory? Is it easy to walk from North Hollywood to West Hollywood? Is the ocean under the Santa Monica Pier clean?
Yes, yes, yes, of course. And to break the ice in any chat with a Dodgers fan, simply say something nice about Manny Machado.
It's a joke. We wouldn't lead you astray. Here are some top tips for getting around the city.
Maybe you're afraid to drive here. We are too. But wait until you see our subway. Now, who do you fear the most?
Do you want a happy surprise? Take Crystal Springs Drive to Wilson & Harding Golf Courses in Griffith Park and look for the plaque near the clubhouse. Here, the plaque says, is where Babe Ruth was enjoying an off-season round in January 1920, when he discovered he had been traded from the Red Sox to the Yankees, pending his approval. The bearer of that news was Yankees manager Miller Huggins, who got Ruth's approval by offering him a huge salary increase. Basically, the greatest moment in Yankees history occurred on a Los Angeles golf course, 38 years before Los Angeles had a Major League team.
You may need more reference points to help you orient yourself.
That brick building at 757 S. New Hampshire Ave. in Koreatown? The “Seinfeld” apartment building.
That cafeteria at the Warner Bros. studio in Burbank? The interior of Central Perk from “Friends”.
The gritty crime scenes in all those “Law & Order” episodes? – Oh, those are in New York.
But if you long for the glitz and grit of the big city, the sights, sounds and smells of Hollywood Boulevard await. If you miss the sleek, silver lines of the Chrysler Building, take a stroll through Disney Hall. If you miss the skaters at Rockefeller Center, check out those on skateboards at Venice Skatepark.
Do you want to start a discussion? Ask where the line is between the east side and the west side.
At the end, of course, you'll go to the stadium, a mid-century wonder surrounded by palm trees, bringing greenery and bittersweet memories of Fernando Valenzuela. If you see an unauthorized seller, do not try to buy pretzels. They will give you an Ohtani t-shirt and demand $700.
I must confess that we are nervous about what Aaron Judge could do to our bullpen. After all, the last time he was here, he broke the door.
And speaking of bullpens, once the game starts, don't blink or you'll discover another new Dodger on the mound. In their peculiar form of invincibility, the Dodgers go through more pitchers than McSorley's Old Ale House on a Saturday night.
You know you must be nervous about Shohei Otani's bat. Just don't overlook Chaz Perea's green thumb (he's the landscape manager behind all that greenery) or Dieter Ruehle's organ. With his quick wit and keyboard skills, Ruehle has played against the Dodgers, Lakers and Kings for six championships. But don't worry. You still have Billy Joel.
Finally, if you're wondering what's really in a Dodger Dog, there's a local saying that covers that: Forget it.
