Inspirational thought of the week:
I woke up this morning and my house was cold.
I checked the oven, it wasn't on.
I went out and got into my old Ford.
Engine knocks but won't turn over
We've been taught some hard lessons lately.
But we are not learning
We are the same sad story, that's a fact.
One step up and two steps back
— “One Step Forward”, Bruce Springsteen
Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, located in Room 02 on the second floor of a building at 0 2nd Street, we find ourselves after Week 2 obsessed with the number two. It’s as if we’re sitting alone at a two-person desk, wearing a Deion Sanders No. 2 Florida State jersey, shakily holding a No. 2 pencil and scribbling on a double roll of two-ply toilet paper our 200-word, two-act play about two-time All-SEC running back Deuce McAllister.
Why all the hypocrisy? Because after two weeks of games across the country, the long-term candidates for Bottom 10 residency are starting to enter a second lane of their own. And how do we identify these teams that are singing to a different tune? They are the ones that already have two losses. And of the 134 teams playing in the FBS, their number is already down to 18, and all but one of them have an 0-2 record. (No-vada, with a 1-2 record, is out there doing a lopsided 180-degree turn after the start of Week 0.)
Now, that pack of two-loss teams is headed downhill heading into Week 3. How many will still match losses with the number of the week like an octogenarian hoping to catch up on his age on the golf course? Stay tuned. We already have our Joe Montana No. 3 college jersey ready — certainly more ready than his alma mater for Week 2.
With apologies to Al Toon, Dave Duerson, Washington Huskies twins Jayvon and Armon Parker, Monmouth defensive back Deuce Lee and Steve Harvey, here are the bottom 10 rankings after Week 2.
The Zips continued their march through the Big Ten after a 56-6 loss in the season opener to Ohio State and a 49-17 defeat at Rutgers. This week they host Colgate, which is good timing because they need someone to help them fix all the teeth that fell out of their mouths during those first two weeks.
The Owls made their FBS home debut, hosting the Ragin' Cajuns of Louisiana and losing 34-10. They're now singing “Do you know the way to San Jose?” as they head out West to face the Spartans, a team they've never faced before, who are in turn singing “The First Time I Kenne-saw Your Face.”
After an 0-2 start, the L-obos couldn't cover the spread against the Fightin' Byes of Open Date U. They now travel to The Plains to face coveted fifth-seed contender Auburn, which means an awkward phone call to arch-rival Whew Mexico State, who has beaten Hugh Freeze the past two years, once when he was the coach at Liberty and once when he was at Auburn. Beep“Um, hey guys, I know we had that whole issue last winter when we banned you from using our facility for bowl practice because your QB peed on our logo and we know we play our fiercest rivalry competition in two weeks but, well, um, LOL, past things and all that, could you please send us your Auburn film? Preferably without him peeing on it.”
The last two examples of a team with a 21 or more point lead winning a game by 21 or more points:
New Mexico St. on Hugh Freeze in 2022 (at Liberty)
New Mexico State beats Hugh Freeze in 2023 (at Auburn)— 💫🅰️♈️🆔 (@ADavidHaleJoint) November 19, 2023
Our second parliament of higher-flying Strigiformes continues its pursuit of Kennesaw's aerial supremacy over the worst-place Gooseberries, following up its Week 1 48-point loss to veteran pass-rushing Oklahoma with a 27-point loss at Navy, which hasn't thrown a pass since Roger Staubach graduated.
The Northern Ill-ugh-noise Huskies went to South Bend and: A. Ran the ball 45 times. 2. Committed no turnovers. Third. Won nearly every other statistical category. IV. Cashed a check for $1.4 million. And E. Not only did they cause Notre Dame to fall to the coveted fifth seed, but they also produced a psychological sequel to Texas A&M's Week 1 nightmare, “Notre Dame Loss 2: Electric NIU Boogaloo.”
The Minors were defeated at home by FCS side Southern Utah in overtime. It was the best performance by a group of Thunderbirds in El Paso since the Air Force's legendary fighter jet demonstration team took a flyover of the Sun Bowl and immediately realized they were in the wrong bowl game.
The Minutemen continued their march toward MAC membership in 2025, opening the season with a home loss to Eastern Not Western Michigan and a Week 2 loss at Toledo. Now they travel to see the Buffalo Bulls Not Bills, before midseason trips to My Hammy of Ohio and the Notre Dame dads in Dekalb. Wait, are we 100% sure they’re not in the MAC anymore and we just didn’t notice?
Speaking of #MACtion, the Bronc-nos are indeed currently members of the MAC, though so far 2024 feels like an audition for the Big Ten after opening with trips to Wisconsin and Ohio State. However, after losing by a combined score of 84-14, this audition is like the time I tried out for “American Gladiators.”
The Cowboys are an FBS program that, for some reason, people in the East always seem to think is an FCS program. Meanwhile, the Idaho Vandals were an FCS powerhouse that moved up to the FBS, and during that time, they played Wyoming frequently but were never able to beat them. Then, in 2018, Idaho became the first program to voluntarily move back to the FCS, which is why a lot of people still think it’s in the FBS. So when Idaho finally beat Wyoming on Saturday, it was one of three FCS upsets over FBS over the weekend, but one that people knew was an FCS-FBS upset but thought it was the other way around or didn’t realize it was an FCS vs. FBS game at all.
Meanwhile, everyone knew Kent State's loss to the St. Francis Red Flash was an FCS upset over FBS because their reaction to the 23-17 score was, “What in the name of St. Francis is a Red Flash?!”
Waiting list: FSU Semi-no's, Snore Eagle, Big (Black and) Blue Nation, Minute Rice, UCan't, Not The Jacksonville You Think It Is State, FA(not)IU, Charlotte 0-and-2ers, Sam Houston we have a problem, Current Houston we have a problem, failing.
