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myEngagement parties, bachelorette trips, bridal showers. These are just a few of the seemingly essential (and often expensive) events that coincide with wedding planning, which comes with an entirely separate and higher cost. During the hustle and bustle of organizing her special day, it is unfortunately the bride who receives an immense amount of criticism, specifically through the use of the word “bridezilla.”
There's no denying that a wedding can be a life-changing expense, and one that's becoming more and more expensive in the U.S. While wedding costs vary depending on where you live,The knot An annual study of real weddings found that couples spent an average of $35,000 on their ceremony and reception in 2023, up $5,000 from the previous year. There are also additional costs for wedding vendors: couples paid an average of $1,700 for a DJ, $2,800 for a florist and $2,900 for a photographer in 2023.
The inspiration behind wedding day must-haves and pre-wedding celebrations are often a result of the growing space that wedding culture has had on social media. For example, the hashtag #bride on TikTok, which has over 2.9 million posts, has become a popular place to look for inspiration, with brides posting about their bridesmaids’ dresses, bachelorette party travel ideas, and table settings.
Social media has also shown that the word “bridezilla” has a place in the wedding industry. The term is often used to label women who are too controlling and demanding when planning their weddings. However, wedding planning experts are hitting back at the term, claiming that it belittles the effort women put into planning and condemns brides who only share their priorities. There’s no denying that brides, grooms, and bridesmaids face an overwhelming amount of stress before the big day, which might lead some people to use the insulting term “bridezilla” in the first place. But, with so much anxiety associated with wedding planning, experts say there’s no more important time for brides to feel supported than before they say “I do.”
Much of the hard work that goes into planning a wedding begins long before the bride walks down the aisle.The knot A 2023 study found that couples who were engaged for an average of 15 months spent nearly seven hours per week on wedding planning. According to these numbers, couples spent a total average of 420 hours on planning, all before the actual event. According to Oregon-based wedding planner and consultant Elisabeth Kramer, spending seven hours per week on wedding planning is like having a part-time job — an unpaid job that ultimately costs couples more money.
“People are paying the equivalent of mortgages and student loans to make these weddings happen,” he said. The Independent“I think there is unfortunately a lot of pressure in the wedding industry that makes people feel like if they don’t have a certain amount, then they will have a ‘low-budget wedding’ and therefore it’s not the right thing to do.”
Licensed therapist Landis Bejar, LMPC, founder of AisleTalk, a therapeutic practice dedicated to helping brides and grooms manage wedding stress, described engaged couples as consumers of the wedding industry. There is so much information thrown at couples leading up to the big day, and this cycle of data continues every time we scroll through our phones. In fact, social media has also shown us how No We want to treat our loved ones when planning a wedding. For example, a bridesmaid went viral on TikTok last month when she revealed that the bride was asking her to spend $20,000 on wedding festivities, prompting social media users to label her friend a “bridezilla.”
While Bejar acknowledged that these nightmarish experiences are rare, that doesn’t change how demeaning the phrase “bridezilla” can be. She’s even seen cases where brides simply express their wants and needs for their weddings, but are still labeled with that term.
“In the case of ‘bridezilla,’ it’s about your temporary identity as a woman. It’s a very sexist term and it doesn’t have a male equivalent,” she explained. “The problem is that the term became so generalized that it basically describes anyone who had an emotion about their wedding or anyone who was even slightly assertive about what they wanted at their wedding.”
When we call someone a “bridezilla,” we’re ultimately minimizing the work they’ve put into planning a day that makes them (and hopefully their loved ones) happy. Even though the term seems frivolous and silly, brides want to avoid the label, which could cause them to ignore their own wedding priorities.
“Bridezilla is another bad word that starts with a “B” that we use to call women,” Kramer said. “Being called that is a real concern, especially when planning and hosting parties. Brides want to take everyone else into consideration, which is so important and valuable. However, I’ve often seen a toxic side to this, as my clients feel like they are prioritizing the needs of so many other people that it actually ends up hurting them more, even though they are helping their guests.”
The term “bridezilla” speaks volumes about the gendered nature of the wedding industry and the assumption that brides should be the ones calling the shots when organizing such an event.
“A lot of times, if a person who identifies as a man is involved in the planning, the language they use is that they don’t want to cause problems or upset the person they’re marrying,” Kramer explained. “And that’s also problematic because it can result in their partner having to do a lot of the work, which is exactly the opposite of what they wanted to do.”
The word “bridezilla” also creates an imbalance between engaged couples. However, this is not to say that the grooms don’t have their own opinions about the big day as well. While Bejar clients have stated that the grooms only care about the budget, it is the budget that affects almost every aspect of wedding planning. With finances in mind, men have the opportunity to be completely honest about what they like and don’t like, as well as keep themselves and their partners informed of what they can afford.
Kramer shared her tips on how couples can share the load during wedding planning, especially when brides feel like they've been the ones in charge. Depending on how much time has passed since the wedding, preparation can start with conversations about wedding plans once or twice a month. Whether it's spending 30 minutes choosing a florist or an hour discussing wedding venue options, this allows you and your partner to put in an equal amount of work into the planning process.
While brides may be afraid of being labeled “bridezillas,” it’s important to communicate openly with loved ones during the undeniable stress of planning a bridal shower or wedding. To that end, Bejar encouraged women to follow an “ask, don’t tell” approach with their bridesmaids.
“Don’t demand that they do something as a bridesmaid after they’ve made their respective plans about where they can be and when, but ask them if they would be willing to take it on,” she said. “To the extent possible, sit down with someone who can help you visualize the day or events leading up to it and ask them sincerely if they would be willing to take on certain responsibilities.”
In the event that brides and bridesmaids have disagreements before the wedding, Bejar encouraged bridesmaids to remember how valuable their relationship with the bride is.
“You have the option to talk about it and give someone the benefit of the doubt, like, ‘You asked me to be your maid of honor because we have a history of friendship outside of this wedding,’” she explained. “Let’s start there. That’s what’s behind it, how you can communicate your support without making a decision, financial or otherwise, that’s going to affect you in the long or short term.”
Until we plan a wedding ourselves, we’ll never fully understand the pressure and stress that comes with being a bride. One step toward supporting our brides-to-be is to remove the word “bridezilla” from our vocabulary altogether. The last thing we need is another “B” word, so it’s important to allow women a judgment-free space to talk about their fears and anxiety. As we figure out how to support our brides-to-be, whether it’s through planning a bridal shower or crafting bouquets, we can still kindly express the non-wedding responsibilities that are always on our minds.
