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IWhen is cheating not cheating? Perhaps when it is renamed by a new concept that is currently circulating: “toliamor”.
The word, which is a combination of “tolerate” and “polyamory,” describes when a person accepts their partner’s infidelity, not as part of an agreement, but with a certain degree of private resignation. You find out your girlfriend is sleeping with a colleague and you just let it happen. You realize your husband has a long-term mistress and you hold your nose and allow it. According to the Wild love Podcast: “These people are not stupid or naive. There is no need to feel sorry for them: they know what they got into and they have long since accepted what they got.”
These are people who don't want an open relationship or for their relationship to end. While this sounds a bit harsh, I agree: it is.
One time when I was cheated on, the affair happened in another country with a total stranger who my then-partner would almost certainly never see again. If your partner has never told you about an affair before, believe me, you really do form your judgment in milliseconds. At that moment, I knew that, in the end, I would tolerate it. I acted in a toliamorous way.
But it’s also hard to put the genie back in the bottle once you know your partner has that capacity—which is why, in my experience, “don’t ask, don’t tell” relationships, where you accept the infidelities but don’t want to know any details about the lovers or the encounters, often don’t work out so well. They create so much suspicion and confusion that the anxiety often outweighs the sexual freedoms gained. At least, though, DADT is a mutual decision. The lack of any reciprocity or communication in toliamor is problematic, to the point where it begins to erode the existence of a relationship at all.
Whether it's emotional cheating, actual cheating, flirting, or payment for sexual work like a lap dance, toliamor demands that a person simply accept that their partner has erotic desires that go beyond them. According to Dan Savage, whose podcast has made him a preeminent voice in modern sexology, there is supposed to be a reciprocal benefit of some kind. The cheated partner hopes to “focus on all the ways your spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love” as a way to make the cheating “tolerable.”
In an age where we increasingly talk about the importance of establishing consent (in sex, in relationships, and in many other things), toliamor is a modern concept that is unhelpful and vague. At what point does a partner “consent” to tolerating their partner's infidelity?
But, more importantly, unlike the more well-known alternative relationships being explored in the 2020s, this is an unspoken agreement. These relationships are all the rage right now, with singles, coupled-ups, and married people alike considering whether lifestyles like polyamory, relationship anarchy (i.e. the complete elimination of rules), friends with benefits, and ethical non-monogamy (ENM) might work for them. We’ve seen a subtle, little-publicized but palpable shift in attitudes over the past five years or so. Yet there’s something almost alarmingly retro and backward-looking about the idea of toliamor.
Toliamor doesn’t involve “doing the work” in the same way as polyamory or ENM. There’s no requirement to talk to and understand your partner. It’s the fact that it’s not talked about that’s most alarming, especially for someone like me, who’s been living a mostly sensible and orderly non-monogamous life for the past four years.
Whether I'm dating or in a relationship, I know I don't want to be in a totally exclusive relationship anytime soon. I also know I prefer to date people who are dating other people. In my experience, these situations don't work without being able to talk and understand each other. And not just once, but at multiple points throughout the relationship, you desperately need to check in and make sure all parties feel the same way. This may sound like a passion killer, but in the real world, sex isn't just about having your genitals pushed around. People who live this way often share the sentiment of also loving the honesty and openness of talking about their multiple sex lives. Beyond having sex with multiple partners is the joy that comes from not having to hide your libido or feeling ashamed of your desires.
Compare that feeling of liberation to the mental toll that an unspoken love affair would likely take. If you've been cheated on, you'll know the carousel of anxiety that swirls through your mind: the anguish of not knowing who the object of your partner's desires is. Is he taller than me? Does he dress better? Is he funnier, cooler, fitter? Is he discreet? Do all my friends know? Does he have unprotected sex?
Another problem with creating a zeitgeist-friendly name for the antiquated act of tolerating indiscretion to save a marriage or relationship is that it ignores the need for consent. In an era where we increasingly talk about the importance of establishing consent (in sex, relationships, and much else), toliamor is a modern concept that feels unhelpful and vague. At what point does a partner “consent” to tolerating their partner’s infidelity? And how exactly is that conveyed, if ever? While we strive to communicate consent and make it crystal clear, toliamor seems to wallow in a deliberate state of concealment that, once again, sets off alarm bells.
Toliamorria assumes that the cheating spouse is, at their core, a good person and is fulfilling a noble cause or a petty desire. In his podcast, Savage talks about “someone willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief fling after years of marriage” as an example. But this strikes me as naive. Not everyone cheats to grow and expand as a human being: some do it because they are jerks. Greedy, selfish, narcissistic people who like to create chaos, havoc, and pain are, unfortunately, everywhere. Cheating done in this spirit should never be tolerated. However, “toliamorria” as a concept has no mechanism for distinguishing between types: it only creates a badge with which they can be falsely labeled. “Don’t worry about my wife,” a cheating husband might say. “She’s toliamorria…”
Although alternative relationships have been getting a lot of press lately and seem very popular, the truth – based on endless conversations and consultations – is that few people seem to realise that the key to making non-monogamy work is clear and honest communication. I fear that toliamor, with its disdain for this, is the moment to “jump the shark” of modern sexuality, a concept so fanciful and ridiculous that it risks undoing the credibility of this decade’s move towards a world of safe sexual discovery.
