The rise of the “update friend” and how our friendships lost their essence

METERAny of my adult interactions with friends go something like this: “How are you?” “How’s your husband?” “How are the kids?” If we have more time: “How’s work?” It’s a formula—I’ve affectionately called it “question ping pong”—that I seem to have put into practice with a good handful of my friends, with the goal of trying to squeeze in as much information as possible before having to rush back to our responsibilities.

In fact, if I search for the word “catch up” on my WhatsApp, I get hundreds of results. As adulthood has slowly unfolded, my social life has become much more about talking about what’s going on in our respective lives, rather than actively participating in them. Instead of attending festivals, yoga classes and exhibitions, I now send endless voice messages about how my week has gone. Instead of booking last-minute weekends away, I rush out for a “quick coffee” to find out about my friend’s latest family holiday. I’m officially in my “catch up friend” era, one that leaves little room for honest, authentic and impulsive discussion; we miss out on the opportunity to share our idiosyncrasies, spontaneous observations and, crucially, our true feelings.

For example, I can tell my friend about my husband’s big promotion, but not my anxiety about it (“I’m afraid he’ll have less time for me.”). In short, in our rush to cram in as much high-level information as we can, some of what makes us human (and, in turn, what leads to a true sense of connection) falls by the wayside. We talk as we read the headlines, but we don’t delve into the fine print. I bet I’m not alone.

I recently ran a poll on my Instagram to ask how many of my 2,000 followers felt they had fallen into the “catching up trap” with their friends. Over 70 percent of those who responded said yes. Among them, I noticed the names of several close friends. So, driven by a desire to feel more connected, I reached out to them to ask why.

“I think I should save my energy for my husband and kids,” my friend Emily told me. “I only have a limited amount of energy outside of my weekly to-do list, so I have to prioritize activities with my family. I would love to do more actual “stuff” with friends, but I would have to do that in lieu of doing it with my family. I don’t think I can or want to make that sacrifice right now.”

My friend Katie blamed it on the fact that we didn’t see each other enough, either me or the rest of her social circle. “We don’t talk on a daily basis the way we did when we were teenagers, or even young adults, and so when I see you, it feels like we have to go through a lot of ‘conversation administrative’ first,” she explains. “I’d love to have deeper conversations, but I also don’t want to miss out on anything that’s been going on with you. I guess those more dry questions are the most effective way to convey a lot of information.”

But the answer that puzzled me the most was from a friend I took a sabbatical with a long time ago who now lives in Canada. As she put it bluntly: “The less we do together, the less I feel we have in common. While I still love you and want you in my life, I find there’s less room for spontaneous conversation. Everything becomes a little more… formal.”

It may have been hard to hear, but I agreed. The problem with our catch-up friendship was that it had started to feel stale, so overwhelmed were we by the long exchange of information that we never got to have a more authentic, enriching conversation. So, over time, we had fewer and fewer meetings where we could really “catch up.”

According to Sophie Mort, a clinical psychologist and mental health expert at Headspace, this lack of shared experiences is likely to underlie many of the friendships we share in adulthood. “Without regular shared activities or experiences, friends may find they have fewer common points of contact to talk about,” she tells me. “This can lead to conversations that focus more on individual news than shared interests or activities.”

For Dr Carolyne Keenan, BBC Radio 1's resident psychologist Life tricksIt also relates to the overwhelm we can all feel. “The more we have to manage in our own lives, the less capacity we have to delve into the deeper issues for others,” she says. “There’s something about the more superficial ‘catching up’ that seems quite protective of our resources. We have access to so much information in our daily lives that it can feel like we’re absorbing information about people’s lives and engaging in debates about issues all the time in one way or another. This can lead to a feeling of exhaustion when it comes to interacting with people and a limitation on our willingness to be truly present in social situations.”

Of course, part of this is down to the nature of adulthood. “Before this stage of life, friends played a huge part in our everyday lives,” says Naomi Magnus, a psychotherapist at North London Therapy. “After-work drinks and weekend plans were key to how we spent our time, so our friends were an active part of our world. With the rise of working from home, moves away from friends and the increasing demands of life, we’re less likely to have the same level of regular contact.”

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Now, there's nothing wrong with wanting to “maximize” our time with friends. In fact, condensing a conversation into a quick chat can have positive aspects. For example, Dr. Bob Waldinger, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of The good life: lessons from the world's largest scientific study of happiness, She actively advocates for dedicating short periods of time focused on connecting with friends or loved ones. She argues that this approach not only cultivates a sense of closeness and well-being, but also addresses the common problem of conversations that drag on longer than expected or end abruptly.

“It's important to recognize that catching up isn't necessarily 'inauthentic' and 'less' good,” says Magnus, who argues that these types of friendships play an important role in our lives and well-being, preventing us from feeling completely isolated when we don't have time to enjoy deeper interactions with friends.

All of this is true. Perhaps, then, the sense of dissatisfaction that can arise from having too many “friends to catch up with” can be offset by interspersing these interactions with more meaningful ones. In short, rather than revising or completely ditching these friendships, we should think about the right ratio of connection for us. For every five quick encounters with a friend, we should include one spontaneous opportunity for deeper connection, whatever form that takes for you.

One simple way to do this is to make sure we’re not just sharing the “highlights” of our lives. “Don’t just share the good, the successes, and the accomplishments with these friends – this is a barrier to authentic, vulnerable connection,” Magnus tells me. “Instead, try to remember to ask for support when things get tough at work or when things get difficult with your partner – this way, you’re giving these friends the opportunity to play an active role in your real life, in real time, rather than just being available to “catch up.”

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Dr. Keegan recommends going into meetings with more intention. “If you crave more authentic and deeper interactions, chances are your friends do, too,” she says. “Being open with your friends and wanting to know who they are really like and what they think about what’s going on in the world is the shortcut to limiting more mundane conversations.”

Positive psychology coach and speaker Casey Paul also advises following up on past conversations. “This shows that you remember and care about what was discussed,” she explains. “You can also try using more open-ended questions during the conversation. Be vulnerable by sharing your thoughts and feelings honestly, even if they make you uncomfortable. This can encourage your friends to do the same.”

“How can we break free from this vicious circle of friendships that push us to the edge?” I asked myself over and over again. For me, however, the most poignant answer came from that same friend from Canada whose initial response I found painful. “I don’t know,” she said out loud in response. “But it’s nice to know that you value our friendship enough to ask.”