dDid he eat a single father? No, thanks. I don't see the appeal. Of course, meeting a “super dad” has crossed my mind. I'm a single mother of two girls, Lola, seven, and Liberty, five, and the last time I tried to date a man who didn't have children, he ran out of my flat exhausted to watch the football in the pub. . I haven't heard from him in two years, since a follow-up trip to a small petting zoo in Battersea.
But I find that many single parents are even worse. The only advantage I see in going out with them is sharing the babysitter for £15 an hour for a night out.
However, according to a recent survey, men who already have children from a previous partner are like catnip on dating sites. Dating site Zoosk found that single fathers receive 22 percent more first messages than men without children, suggesting that women are actively seeking them out. Given that, according to the report, a staggering 83 percent of single women say they would be willing to date a single dad, the huge popularity of this demographic is evident, but what's interesting is the assumptions single heterosexual women make.
“Single fathers are said to be so attractive to single women because there is the association that they are responsible, caring and can prioritize those who are most important to them,” says Sarah Louise Ryan, dating and relationship expert at Even, a new dating app for single parents. Meanwhile, a survey conducted by Perspectus Global in May 2023 revealed that almost a quarter of people believed that single parents have the qualities they tend to look for in a potential partner, such as “independence, reliability and altruism,” while Nearly two-thirds (63 percent) of Brits looking to date are happy to look beyond the single parent label.
So, you can imagine that as a single mother, she would be on the prowl for a handsome single father with his own brood in tow. After all, one of the big problems of having children is that you lose almost all your free time. Dating a single parent solves that problem, in theory, because you can date your kids together. Seeing a man participating in childcare is very attractive.
But the truth is, I'm ignoring calls from at least two single parents who on paper are smart, funny, and charismatic. Because? Because, in my experience, his romantic appeal is a trap. Last week, a single father dropped off his five-year-old daughter at mine to stay overnight because she was having a family crisis. When he finally woke up at 11:30 the next morning, I had already done all the early breakfast chores for the kids, taken them to the park, and was making lunch.
Another single dad asked me to watch his kids last weekend while he headed to the airport for a trip to Australia and dropped us off at an indoor trampoline park in Acton. I appreciate his children…and him. But it all became too much when one of the children lost his shoes; After an hour of searching everywhere, I had to walk him back to my car with only his sticky socks. Meanwhile, once back at my apartment, the beautiful ex-wife couldn't pick them up for hours because she had a date across town and then she got stuck in “tons and tons of traffic.” I found myself waiting by the window as the kids wreaked havoc, looking at each car, praying it was theirs.
Single women without children may view a single father as loving and responsible, but they do not want to compete with their children.
Ellie Slott Fisher, author
Then there are the single parents who always have to make an urgent call and leave me with all the kids on the playground. All I can see is a baseball cap bobbing up and down between distant hedges and one ear glued to the phone. It is worse when there is a work emergency; It's funny how this never comes up with my mom friends. And while I sympathize with the juggling act (which to me is part of the appeal of being a single dad), I sometimes wonder if he just went home to watch a movie.
If you don't have children, single parents may have another problem. American author Ellie Slott Fisher, who has written several dating guides, including Quotes for dadsand Mom, there's a man in the kitchen and he's wearing your robe., states that one of the big problems that can arise in this type of situation is rivalry. “Single, childless women may view a single father as loving and responsible, and consider the fact that he is a father to increase her attractiveness. But they don't want to compete with their children, especially with 'daddy's girl.'” When a single woman dates a father, she is undoubtedly also dating his offspring, she argues. “It requires her to lavish attention and compassion on her children. Not only are the children very aware of this, but also their father.” However, if a woman has children, single parents are likely to find them particularly attractive. “These men assume that these women, because they are mothers, will show more interest in their children,” she argues.
Not that this means it will always be a bed of roses. Toby*, 42, a London-based IT consultant with two children aged five and eight, says he has never been flirted with because he is a single father. “It's not the kids' fault, but it's not a good situation for anyone if you and your new partner end up spending all your free time with your kids,” he says. At a party, he says that he will make it clear that he is a single father to a bride-to-be. “At first they find it unpleasant,” he says. “They can't stand it.” If they open themselves up to it, they tend to “fall in love” with their offspring, a problem opposite to that identified by Fisher, which is problematic when they separate because she misses them terribly. “Normally everything ends because she wants to have children of her own and I don't want any more,” he admits.
'If I see that a man is kind to his children, I automatically assume that he will be kind to me.'
(Getty)
Of course, for some women, becoming a stepmother is their last chance to start a family. One in five British women today reaches the age of 45 without having children of their own. Saskia*, 53, a Russian photographer living in London, says part of the appeal of her first husband was that he was a single father and she wasn't sure if she would ever have her own children or if he would have them. Even she wanted more: she was over 40 and had had four failed IVF cycles with another couple.
“If I see a man being nice to his kids, I automatically assume he'll be nice to me,” she says. “Since I was 19, I've had single dad boyfriends.” But “a big midlife boost” for her, she says, was becoming a stepmother and having a family.
“I helped him raise his two daughters, who were six and nine years old.” She was desperate to have her own children, but this one was “second best.” When he left her six years later, she met another single father, with a six-month-old baby.
“We had his son twice a week,” she says. But just over a year later, she became pregnant naturally: her son is now eight years old.
“I still go on vacation with all my stepchildren,” says Saskia. “They will always see me as family.” Matchmaker Ryan has had many scenarios of women telling her that they would like to be matched with a man who has children because “either women can't have children naturally… or it can all come down to having a successful career, feeling that “They can’t have children.” “They don't want the lifestyle of having a newborn, or they don't feel energetically available to do it.”
“There are many women who simply don't want to have children of their own, but like the idea of having a big family with a future partner.”
Of course, many happy couples who have taken care of each other's children are happily happy. The rise of blended families is undoubtedly a good thing for children too, in some cases: an estimated one in three families (around 1.1 million children in England and Wales) live in a blended stepfamily. But surely you would need a very big house?
It's true that dating apps for single parents take the stress out of normal dating: you don't have to worry about being fooled when you say you have kids. But I think I'm going to leave it to fate and remove labels (including single parent) from dating. As the saying goes, love comes when you least look for it.
*Names changed
