PhD student asks if she was wrong not to remind her husband of a “big event” in her life that he missed

A woman divided Redditors after asking whether her husband should have remembered an important event in his life on his own, or if she should have reminded him.

In a recent post on the popular subreddit “Am I the Asshole?” the woman explained that she was a busy PhD student who had a paid job on the side. The issue with her husband arose during her confirmation seminar, a final step in the PhD process, when a panel of professors announces whether or not she has officially earned her PhD.

“I told her that confirmation was coming up fast and she asked if I could attend the presentation. I told her I wasn’t sure but I would ask. The university then sent an email with my presentation details with a Zoom link. I forwarded it to her directly,” she wrote on Reddit.

A few days later, she asked him if he had read it, to which he replied, “No.” She later asked him again and he still had not seen the message, his wife said.

“At that point I realized that not only had he not read the email, but he hadn’t bothered to ask about the presentation either. Sadly, this is pretty normal for him. He doesn’t usually ask me much about me, doesn’t ask me many questions about my day, etc., and I admit I’m tired of being ignored,” she wrote.

She told Reddit that she knew perfectly well that she could just remind him about the presentation, but decided against it because she wanted him to “care enough” to ask her or read the email. The big day eventually came and her husband didn't show up, she said.

When she mentioned it a few days later, her husband was upset that she hadn't reminded him, and she told him she was angry that he had never bothered to ask.

Redditors chimed in with their own opinions on who was in the wrong, and some commenters defended her, saying she reminded her husband more than once to read the email she sent him.

“He just didn’t care enough to read an email or even check in on you or wish you well. He blames you for his lack of attention and consideration,” one comment read.

Another commenter agreed, writing, “He showed very little interest so why should you remind him like he’s a child? I hope you don’t go out of your way to celebrate his accomplishments or life events. He didn’t even bother to support you while you get a PhD. I mean how sad is that? It’s your choice if you want to be basically ignored for your entire marriage.”

But others questioned why she wasn't more direct with him about the confirmation.

“When he asked if he could come, you told him you didn’t know. When you found out he could come, you forwarded him an email instead of telling him directly. You then followed up by asking him if he had read the email instead of asking him if he would be attending the presentation. Based on what you said, you did not communicate with him directly about the event or the fact that you wanted him to attend,” one comment began.

“I understand that you are upset that your partner is not taking a more active interest in your life, but this is a very passive way of communicating. It will undermine your relationships, not only with your husband, but also in the academic field, where many professors do not read their emails in a timely manner (!!!).”

“It sounds like you never told him when your event was, so your title is misleading,” another commenter agreed. “You didn’t remind your husband about a big event in your life, you reminded him to read a forwarded email. It’s not just semantics, there’s a huge difference there. Not only did you not communicate the actual information to him, it sounds like you did it deliberately to test him. And now you’re surprised he failed the test?”