People who are chronically late and the friends and partners whose lives they are ruining

IThe car was packed, Ivana and her two children were already buckled up and ready to set off on the seven-hour drive from Edinburgh to London, where they would spend their holidays. They were already 45 minutes late, but they couldn’t leave just yet. One important thing was missing: Ivana’s husband. “He was inside, frying an egg,” she sighs. “I had decided it would be a good time to have breakfast.” Later, when she had finished eating and returned to the car, she shrugged and said to her family: “What’s the rush?”

Being chronically late is an affliction that almost all of us are familiar with. Whether it's a partner, a best friend, or even (whisper it) ourselves, we've all been affected by it at some point. It can affect every facet of our daily lives: parties, get-togethers, dinners, concerts, flights, etc. There's no limit to how many plans a chronically late person can ruin for you. Sometimes catastrophically. And yet, there's often nothing you can do about it. After all, being late isn't the worst of crimes. Not when you compare it to standing someone up, for example, or canceling a date at the last minute. But it is irritating, especially when it happens so often.

“I had a close friend who was always late – sometimes 15 minutes, but often over an hour,” says Mike*, 62, in Florida. “Over time, the lateness became more than just a minor annoyance – it felt disrespectful. We had planned to meet for dinner and I would end up sitting alone, watching everyone around me enjoy their meals while I waited.” The final straw came when the couple had planned a surprise party for a mutual friend. “My friend, who is always late, showed up just as the surprise was taking place, completely unaware of the point of the whole event.”

Lateness is a strangely understudied phenomenon. According to a 2012 YouGov survey, one in ten Britons admitted to being frequently late. Meanwhile, 28 percent said their partner is often late. There are no clear reasons behind chronic lateness. But the one most often cited is usually egomania. “They were late because they thought their time was more important than mine,” is a common refrain among people with chronically late friends and partners. So is: “They’re always late because they’re so self-obsessed that they can’t even think about how their punctuality affects others.” In short, late people tend to get a lot of bad press, and it’s not hard to see why that breaks up relationships.

“It can be perceived as a lack of respect or consideration from the family member or friend,” explains psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur. “Trust in the relationship can also be eroded, as it can make a person seem less reliable and responsible if they are always late. In some cases, tardiness can also make people feel undervalued, neglected or not as important, which can lead to arguments, misunderstandings or even estrangement in the relationship.”

However, most of the time this is not the case. “I always think things will take less time than they do,” a friend who is always late tells me. “I just think I can get more done in a day. Then, inevitably, I can’t and end up being really late for everything, which is as frustrating for me as it is for my friends.” As obvious as it may seem, lack of punctuality is a major, if frustratingly absurd, reason for chronic lateness. “Time perception issues can also be present in some neurodivergent people,” Kaur adds. “These people may find it difficult to estimate how long a task will take them to complete, travel time, and getting ready.”

Of course, there are instances where people think their time is more important than other people’s. “I think sometimes we can be in phases of life where maybe there’s a particular hobby or a particular job or mission or project that takes priority over everything else in our lives,” explains Sami Wunder, a relationship coach. “There might be instances where someone is chronically late because they’re prioritizing that [thing] above all else.”

Sometimes there are valid reasons for being late that can be difficult for others to understand. “I’m often late for things because of my Crohn’s disease,” says Sarah*, 51, from Hertfordshire. “It makes life really difficult for me as anxiety can make my stomach move erratically. So going to meetings, especially meeting people for the first time, makes me really anxious. But I don’t tell many people about my condition, so most people think I’m late for no reason other than poor organisation.”

Perhaps more compassion is needed for those who are consistently late, especially since most of us want to be on time. “Being consistently late for things can lead to feelings of shame, inadequacy, guilt or frustration,” Kaur adds. “The person may feel unable to manage their time or meet expectations, which can affect their overall self-esteem. It makes you feel like you’ve let others down, even though you may not.”

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In some cases, another person’s lateness (and how it affects us) can tell us a lot about ourselves. After a while, Mike realized that his friend’s lateness affected him so viscerally because it reminded him of his childhood. “My mom used to be late picking me up everywhere,” he recalls. “It was a time before cell phones, so I would just wait and wait for her. With some perspective, I realized that I was punishing my friends in the present for things that I was actually angry at my mom for much more than I was at them for.”

Ivana has also learned to deal with her husband’s constant tardiness, seeing it as an invitation to slow down. “I recently realized that he’s not going to change and that if I stress about his tardiness, it will only make things worse,” she adds. “So I tried to see it from his perspective. It’s not easy, but I’m getting there. I’m always two steps ahead and that’s not good either. So his slowness is helping me slow down when I need to. That’s how I try to see it so I don’t go crazy.”

For chronic tardiness, correcting these habits will often depend on the reason for their tardiness. “Improving chronic tardiness involves practical steps and self-compassion,” says Dr Elena Touroni, consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic. “Start by using tools like planners and reminders to better manage your time. Breaking tasks down into smaller, more manageable chunks can also help prevent feelings of overwhelm.”

If the reasons for your lateness are related to deeper issues, such as ADHD or anxiety, seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be very helpful. “Cognitive behavioral techniques can help you adjust your time perceptions and habits,” adds Dr. Touroni. “Remember that making gradual changes can lead to significant improvements over time.”

And those changes can be anything. It might mean seeking professional help from a therapist or simply learning to better organize your time by planning ahead. However, if all else fails, you can always buy yourself a watch.

*Names have been changed