The idyllic Christmas scene (piles of gifts, smiles everywhere) rarely coincides with reality. Who among us has not faced the uncomfortable silence of a gift that fails? Who hasn't been disappointed by one we have received?
Why then do we make mistakes so often? Why are we so bad at giving gifts? I've investigated these questions through the lens of social psychology, trying to understand the psychological science of gifting in hopes of helping gift-givers make better decisions. And the good news is that after 10 years, we have some answers that might help all gift-givers make better decisions.
The first thing to appreciate is that, although we all act as givers and receivers of gifts, we usually do not do so at the same time: even when we exchange gifts, we think like a giver beforehand and then think like a recipient in the moment. This creates what is called an empathy gap. In short, when we act in a capacity, say as a giver of gifts, we typically do not consider or empathize with what it would be like to be the recipient of a gift. We apply a totally different psychology to giving gifts than to receiving gifts.
This can be as simple as considering what matters most to those who give and those who receive the gift. When we give gifts, what we tend to believe matters most is the moment of gift exchange: the moment the recipient unwraps their gift and sees it for the first time. We want that big wow moment where we see a big smile and know we've done a good job. The problem is that this moment, the big reveal, usually lasts only a few seconds, but the recipient keeps the gift for much longer. Instead, what we know the recipient cares about is much less the timing of the exchange, but rather total ownership of the gift.
Consider a novelty gift like a mug with a clever quote like “World's Greatest Procrastinator.” That's sure to make someone laugh when they see it, but then it'll probably sit in your pantry collecting dust for who knows how long. Or consider a tchotchke intended to help decorate a home. It may spark enthusiasm at first, but then the recipient must adapt it to their home decor… no small task, and often an unwanted one.
Some gifts may leave a great first impression, but then fall flat. As givers, we need to think about the long-term implications of a gift, because that's what recipients really value. As uninspired as it may seem, something like a toaster oven can be an amazing gift because it will come in handy. It may not be the most exciting gift when you open it, but your recipient will think fondly of you every time they use it.
Beyond what's useful, it's important to consider that recipients care more about thoughtfulness than anything else. After all, what is a gift if not a way to show someone that you care about them and are thinking about them? What that implies, and what the science of gifting supports, is that cost is not what dictates how much the recipient loves a gift. In fact, research suggests that there is virtually no relationship between the price of a gift and how much the recipient likes it. Instead, what recipients value is something reflective. It could be a batch of freshly baked cookies, or a beautifully framed photograph of a cherished shared past experience, or even just a sincerely written note in a Christmas card. Science tells us that recipients value the care the giver puts into their gift, not its cost.
We can take this a step further and appreciate that thoughtfulness doesn't just happen on holidays and special occasions like birthdays. On the other hand, one can be thoughtful any day of the year! And what we've learned is that thoughtfulness on random days (not special occasions) is much easier to convey. A gift given out of the blue shows the recipient that they are thought of not just on, say, their birthday, but all the time. These “just because” gifts are considered much more valuable to recipients than those they receive at times when they expect to receive gifts, such as holidays.
Taken together, science shows us that the best way to give great gifts is to stop thinking like a gift giver and instead start thinking like a gift recipient. We've all played that role before, so consider what gifts worked for you and go from there. Appreciate that keeping a bad gift is far from ideal and that the gifts we appreciate most are the ones that make us feel cared for. If you can apply these lessons to your own gifts, your recipients are sure to smile not only when they unwrap your gift, but also when they treasure it for years.
Jeff Galak, co-founder of GiftStar AI, is an associate professor of marketing and social and decision sciences at Carnegie Mellon University.
