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An intimate, platonic friendship with a coworker (or what is known as a “work spouse”), often of the opposite sex, is nothing new. With the hours spent at work and the success and stress shared, it is common for strong bonds to form.
But if you're in a serious relationship and your partner is friends with a coworker, where is the line? Should you relax and trust him or question whether it's healthy for such a relationship to exist?
Lindsay George, BACP-registered counselor and therapist, says, “As with many preferences and dynamics within a relationship, it’s really up to each couple to decide what boundaries work best for their relationship, and prescriptive relationship rules just don’t work for everyone.”
She defines a work wife or husband as “someone you can confide in, share your successes and failures with, help you navigate the myriad office politics, and generally rely on as a sounding board and support system.”
George adds: “The reason they are called ‘work spouses’ is that you probably spend as much (or more) time with them than you do with your actual spouse.”
What feelings might it arouse in you?
“If you’ve found out that your partner has a work partner, it’s normal to feel a little jealous or threatened. After all, he may spend more time with her than with you. However, before you start feeling too insecure or accuse him of cheating, try to understand why he might have gotten a work partner in the first place and how this could be a benefit to him in the workplace,” says George.
“Chances are, your partner’s spouse at work is simply a colleague with whom they have a good relationship. If you want to stay sane, it’s important to remember that your partner’s spouse at work is not a threat. They are simply colleagues with whom you have created a strong bond through working closely together.”
How to have the conversation
However, if you still feel vulnerable, it's a good idea to have a frank conversation with your partner.
“Explain how their relationship is affecting you and that you need help understanding it better,” says George. “Ask for reassurance. Find out why they like spending time together – do they support each other emotionally? Do they share common interests? And if so, what are they? Showing interest reduces any potential conflict, encourages your partner to talk openly about it, and allows you to feel like a part of the relationship rather than an outsider.”
When should you be worried?
However, there may still be issues that are cause for concern.
“Does your partner refuse to talk about their work spouse or your relationship with them and doesn’t want you to get to know them? Do they spend time together outside of office hours? And do they do non-work activities, like shopping or seeing a movie on a weekend?” George asks. “Does your partner start comparing you to their work spouse and perhaps say things like, ‘You don’t understand me like he or she does. ’”
“You may find that you have been talking privately about personal, even marital, matters. If your partner talks more intimately about his or her life with his or her work spouse than with you, your relationship is in jeopardy. These are signs of an emotional connection and are more representative of a romantic relationship than a platonic friendship.
“Whether it’s purely platonic or something more, it makes perfect sense not to ignore it, because when two people are close at work, there’s always the risk of an emotional affair, which can be damaging and destructive to those around them.”
How to fix it
Being honest with yourself is just as important as being open and honest with each other, George says. “Whatever role this office spouse plays, you need to evaluate your own relationship and see if there is anything that needs more attention.
“Is there something missing in the intimacy between you two or are there communication issues that are causing tension? Is there an aspect of your relationship that could be improved? Is your partner looking for something in their work spouse that they aren’t getting at home?”
Working through these questions honestly with each other will help your relationship grow stronger, while also minimizing any threat of something potentially happening between them and their work spouse, she adds.
“The key here is to create strong boundaries to determine what is and is not acceptable, to maintain trust and transparency for everyone involved.
“Be open and honest, and use 'I' instead of 'you' [when explaining concerns] It’s less accusatory and will help facilitate a more open discussion about what exactly is going on between them, so you can decide whether you need to take action or accept it for what it is, which may simply be a level of support at work that makes life easier to manage.”
To find a therapist registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), visit bacp.co.uk.
