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YoI've been cheated on exactly four times that I know of. Three times by my first boyfriend, and the fourth time by my second. And while each experience had different variables, they all had one thing in common – besides the fact that I would sob so violently upon finding out that I felt like I was going to vomit a piece of my heart out. When I confronted my guilty partner, they always gave the same reason (or at least a fairly similar variation): they just couldn't help it “in the moment.”
After those individual cases, I couldn't understand why someone would risk ruining an entire relationship for a fleeting flirtation. But a moment doesn't exist in isolation, of course. I now understand that there are a whole host of factors that contribute to the compulsion to cheat when that “moment” comes. A new study has revealed that these factors are also different for men and women.
The study, published in the journal Evolution and human behavioroffers new insights into the complex motivations behind female infidelity. Researchers used Prolific Academic to survey a sample of 254 heterosexual men and women who had committed infidelity. The survey collected data from participants across 19 countries and the findings revealed a number of reasons behind female motivation for infidelity, including relationship dissatisfaction, desire for variety and revenge. However, the main reason uncovered was that women who cheat are typically more physically attracted to their affair partners, but view their primary partners as better life partners or co-parents. This means that a woman may be attracted to her affair partner for his physical features, but stay with her primary partner for his role as a good provider and father.
This was certainly the case for Lucy*, who had an affair while married to her now ex-husband. “I couldn’t blame him as the father of our children and I wasn’t unhappy with the life we had created, I just stopped liking him,” she says. “It wasn’t really anything deeper than that. I wanted to feel desired by someone I also desired, but at the end of the day, who would I have always preferred to have a conversation with? My husband, without exception.”
Many of the previous studies done on the reasons why men cheat on their partners have shown that it is often due to insecurity or a very low or non-existent amount of validation, attention or praise from the partner. In fact, when Dr. Alicia M. Walker interviewed 100 men who self-identified as “unfaithful” as part of the research for her book, In search of masculinity: men, validation and infidelity, She found that most of them reported a “deep” love for their partner, but decided to cheat out of a desire to “experience the love and affection” they had once received but which had faded over time.
However, there are various interpretations of gender differences when it comes to infidelity. For example, The marriage counseling blog According to researchers at Indiana University in Bloomington, the main reason men give for cheating on their partner has to do with the “sexual excitement” that an affair produces. “Men often say they feel energized when they cheat on their partner,” they explain. “Women, on the other hand, say they cheat on their partner because they are not happy in their current relationship.”
I had an affair because I wanted to be seen as desirable again. My ex said he felt like I didn't need him anymore and that he didn't know what his role was in our relationship.
Aimee*
And then there are the grey areas – people who straddle both categories or fit into neither. But experts believe the research jibes, to some extent, with their findings among clients. “In general, men are more likely to be swayed by physical factors such as sexual desire and the appeal of variety,” says Dr Carolyne Keenan, resident psychologist on the BBC Radio 1 show. Life hacks“Women, on the other hand, often cite emotional reasons, such as feeling undervalued or disconnected from their relationship.”
“Emotional dissatisfaction is often a major problem for women,” she continues. “They feel abandoned, unappreciated or emotionally disconnected from their partner for a long period of time and this can lead them to seek out someone who makes them feel valued and understood.
“Sometimes it is a desire for emotional intimacy or to rekindle feelings of excitement and passion that have faded in their current relationship. Sometimes women may feel that they are responsible for a number of household functions and may feel resentful if their partners are uncontributing and accommodating. This can lead them to fantasize about being more appreciated by someone else.”
In her experience, one of the most common reasons men cheat on their partners is “the desire for sexual variety or novelty” – the need for something new or different, even if they are in a committed relationship. “For some, it’s a matter of opportunity – being in a situation where infidelity becomes easy or tempting.”
Aimee*, a self-confessed romantic, agrees. “Although I am now in a healthy relationship, it came out during the breakup of my previous relationship that we had both been unfaithful,” she tells me. “We talked about our reasons and, for me, it was about being seen as desirable again and feeling like I deserved attention. My ex said he felt like he didn’t need it anymore and he didn’t know what his role was in our relationship.”
And Aimee’s ex-boyfriend isn’t alone. “Men are often motivated by the need to be valued by their partner,” explains Clare Patterson, a member of the Counselling Directory. “They want to be the protector, the guardian, the one who can get things done and provide. They want their partners to appreciate them for the heroes they are and to have their hard work recognised. When they feel this isn’t happening, their self-esteem suffers and they may seek their ‘refill’ through others.”
And Rychel Johnson, a licensed clinical counselor and senior contributor to Our Public Records, agrees. “When we examine the psychology behind female infidelity, there is much more nuance and complexity than superficial stereotypes suggest. Too often, the narrative is oversimplified into a black-and-white scenario, but the interpersonal dynamics around intimacy rarely fit those reductive archetypes,” he says. “In my clinical experience, female infidelity frequently arises from this sort of tangled web of insecurity, emotional exhaustion, and craving reassurance. Many women I’ve worked with report feeling emotionally abandoned or starved for intimacy in their primary relationships long before any deviance occurred. It’s as if this painful psychic void opens up over time, eroding self-esteem and connection to their core desires and needs.”
“It’s also interesting to note that we’re talking about relationships where it’s understood that the couple has committed to a monogamous relationship and that all participants are cisgender and heterosexual,” adds Dr. Keenan. “Monogamy is perceived differently in each couple, and therefore so will infidelity. For some people, infidelity may be having sex with another person, but for others it may be watching pornography. It can be helpful for couples to talk about their expectations of monogamy and, while it may not sound very sexy, to agree on how that monogamy will be perceived in their particular relationship.”
Now, when I think back on those “moments” — the ones that led my previous partners to cheat on me — and with the experts’ opinions at play, I realize that they probably didn’t have as much in common as I once thought. Because no moment occurs in isolation. Our actions are never disconnected from what’s going on in our thoughts, feelings, and broader lives. Although two different men may have, at different times, been unable to stop themselves “in the moment,” it’s unlikely that this lack of control was due to the same thing. And that’s true for women as it is for men.
Infidelity is a complex topic with many nuances. Any person, regardless of gender, can be influenced by a combination of emotional, psychological, and situational factors. So while there are some general trends and it's worth reflecting on them, it's important to remember that you can't determine why someone has been unfaithful or is more likely to be unfaithful based solely on their gender.
But it’s a conclusion I come to with some reluctance. I like being able to categorize things, pigeonhole them, and tie them up with a bow, because I feel safer and more predictable that way. Maybe that’s why we’re so intrigued by the idea that each gender cheats for a specific set of reasons: because it makes infidelity seem easier to predict and therefore avoid. It gives us the illusion that we can somehow avoid the pain. But unfortunately, we’re all complex humans. No single study is going to change that.
* They are not their real names
