Generally speaking, if you have sex less than once a month, you are in a sexless marriage.
Living in a sexless marriage can be lonely, frustrating and depressing. But don't lose hope. There are ways to confront and even rekindle that lost intimacy.
Sex may permeate our popular culture, but conversations about it are still associated with stigma and shame in Indian homes. As a result, most people facing sexual health issues or trying to find information about sex often turn to unverified online sources or follow unscientific advice from their friends. To address widespread misinformation about sex, News18.com publishes this weekly sex column, titled 'Let's Talk About Sex.' We hope to start conversations about sex through this column and address sexual health issues with scientific insight and nuance.
In this article, we will share five practical tips that will help you survive and even thrive when the flames of desire go out.
You thought those days of burning passion would never end. But at some point, the bedroom got cold. Maybe you still love each other deeply but that sexual spark has faded. Or perhaps resentments have built up over the years, leaving you feeling distant and disconnected. Whatever the case, living in a sexless marriage can be lonely, frustrating, and depressing. But don't lose hope. There are ways to confront and even rekindle that lost intimacy.
What is considered a sexless marriage?
Generally speaking, if you have sex less than once a month, you are in a sexless marriage. While the definition varies, most experts consider 10 times a year or less to qualify. This can be difficult for many couples, as sex is an important part of intimacy and bonding.
Common causes
There are some common reasons why couples end up in sexless marriages:
- Stress and exhaustion: Between work, kids, health issues, and other life stresses, sex can fall to the bottom of the priority list. Making time to connect and relax is key.
- Relationship problems: Lack of emotional intimacy, unresolved resentment or anger, lack of attraction, etc. It is important to address obstacles in communication and relationships.
- Low libido: Hormonal changes, medications, health conditions, and aging can contribute to a decreased sexual desire in one or both partners. Talking to a doctor can help determine if there are any medical problems affecting your libido.
- Lack of privacy: Without regular emotional and physical intimacy, sexual desire may begin to wane. Make spending quality time together a priority and engage in regular affectionate touch, such as kisses, hugs, and cuddling.
The emotional impact of a sexless marriage on both members of the couple
A sexless marriage can be an emotionally painful experience for both partners. For a partner with a low libido, the pressure to be intimate when you're not in the mood can lead to feelings of guilt, anxiety, and resentment. Not feeling desired by your spouse can also damage self-esteem over time.
For the partner with a higher libido, constant rejection and unmet needs often result in frustration, hurt, and anger. You may feel unattractive or unloved, even though you rationally know that is not the case. Over time, resentment can grow as physical intimacy becomes a source of conflict rather than connection.
Lack of sex also deprives couples of oxytocin, the “love hormone” released during orgasm that strengthens feelings of closeness and bond. Without this, couples may begin to feel more like roommates than lovers and the emotional distance between them grows.
Tips to reactivate intimacy in your relationship
The good news is that there are many steps you can take to improve intimacy and rekindle the spark in your sexless marriage. Open communication, relationship counseling, medical interventions, and making sex a priority again can help improve things.
- Talk openly about your needs: The first step is to start an honest conversation with your partner about what you both want in your sex life and in your relationship. Be open about your desires, fantasies, and what you feel is missing. Compromise and find common ground. Make intimacy a priority again.
- Flirt like you used to: Do you remember when you started dating? There was excitement, joy and flirting. Start flirting with your partner again: compliment them, touch them affectionately, make eye contact, smile. Flirting releases feel-good hormones that increase attraction and desire.
- Try new things together: Routines can make the bedroom seem boring. Change things up by trying new activities together, like dancing, rock climbing, or cooking. New experiences release dopamine in the brain, activating the reward center. This naturally increases your libido and rekindles passion. You can also try role-playing or new sexual positions to spice up your intimacy.
- Make time for intimacy: Don't let life get in the way of your sex life. Make time and space for intimacy a priority. Have a date night, light some candles and give yourself a scented oil massage. Rediscover intimacy through sensual touch and bonding. Turn off the technology and be fully present with each other.
- Seek advice if necessary: If you have truly lost connection and intimacy, consider relationship counseling or sex therapy. A counselor can help determine problems, provide coping strategies, and find ways to rekindle your physical and emotional intimacy. They may also suggest exercises to increase communication, touch, and playfulness. With work, career counseling can help rebuild intimacy.
Rekindling your intimacy and connection may take time and effort, but if you open up, explore together, and make it a priority, you can find your way back to a fulfilling life and sexual relationship. With patience and perseverance, you can survive in a cold bedroom.
There you have it, 5 practical ways to cope when the passion fades in your marriage. While a sexless relationship can be lonely and discouraging, remember that you still have a partner by your side. Focus on rebuilding intimacy through honest communication, new shared experiences, and finding fulfillment outside the bedroom. If your needs are still not being met, seek professional help to get to the root of the problem. Your intimate connection may ebb and flow over the years, but your love and commitment may remain constant. With a little understanding, effort and creativity, you can change this and rediscover the passion you once shared.
