Katherine Ryan does it “exactly twice a month.” How often should we have sex with our partners?

TO“H, honey, not tonight, I'm not in the mood.” These are words you won't hear from Katherine Ryan or her husband, Bobby Kootstra, at her twice-monthly sex dates. The Canadian comedian and actor revealed in an interview with The times that getting dirty and dirty is something they do “exactly twice a month”; It's all part of the schedule, along with, presumably, the kids' playdates and birthday parties.

Not only does the 40-year-old star of the Netflix show have quota The Duchess keeps track every time they perform the writing. “I record it just in case I get pregnant,” she says. (Ryan also said we should all do rimming, according to her gay friends, but she's not ready for that yet.)

Meanwhile, septuagenarian mermaid and actress Jane Seymour wrote in a recent essay for Cosmos who is currently having the most “wonderful and passionate” sex of her life with her boyfriend John Zambetti. She has highlighted the question of how often couples in long-term relationships “should” get back at it and, in Ryan's case, whether taking a managerial approach to bedroom shenanigans could be key to maintaining a relationship. healthy sexual life. And, going a step further: should we even include physical encounters with our partners in the diary?

For many, the idea that passion is something “reserved” is the biggest turnoff. (I once had a partner who was so against it that even making reference in the morning to the possibility of being intimate later that day would ensure nooky was off the menu.) Popular culture often tells us that it should happen organically. Of the painful and non-verbal desire of Normal people and the excitement fueled by the morbidity of salty burn to the hypersexual frisson of reality shows that can't keep their hands off each other Too hot to handle, we may feel like the world is just screaming at us that we should feel nauseous about it. All. Time.

The reality is markedly different. A multi-year study of more than 34,000 Britons from 2019, conducted by NatSal and published in the B.M.J., found that about half of people in serious relationships don't even have sex once a week. YouGov tracker data has previously revealed that, on average, only around 27 per cent of the British population have sex in a given seven-day period.

But you shouldn't compare your sex life to anyone else's, according to Jo Coker, psychologist and professional standards manager at the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT). “Some couples will be happy with less frequent sex than normal,” she says. “Also, we only have a vague idea of ​​what 'the norm' is, since people often don't give exact rates.”

The main thing is that “both parties are happy with the quantity” of sexual intercourse, rather than striving for a specific frequency. “There is no ideal number; “All couples are different,” says Coker.

Psychosexuality and relationship specialist Lottie Passell-Syms agrees. “It's less about the specific number and more about the satisfaction and comfort levels of both partners,” she tells me. She believes in “quality over quantity, since to want sex it must be worth wanting.”

The frequency of sex is a “really poor marker of sexual satisfaction,” adds Dr. Karen Gurney, a clinical psychologist and psychosexologist at the Havelock Clinic and author of Mind the Gap: The truth about desire and how to prepare your sex life for the future. “Instead, it's better to ask the question: 'Are we both happy with the amount of sex we're having?' A cause for concern may be if a person often feels unhappy or dissatisfied with the amount of sex, and in this case it may be helpful to talk more.”

Although experts are hesitant to prescribe a “perfect” amount of sex we should have, according to a 2015 study published in Social Psychology and Personality Sciences. Happiness decreased as that number decreased, while having sex more frequently didn't particularly affect people's satisfaction levels.

The benefits of maintaining a healthy sex life are countless, but they can be divided into two main camps, says Passell-Syms. “The first is that the relationship can have a more emotional and energetic feel, where partners are connected and vulnerable enough to share and communicate freely. The other part is that regular sexual activity has several health benefits, including reducing stress and anxiety, improving mood, which activates endorphins, dopamine and adrenaline.

It is not regularity that matters most but sexuality. satisfaction, which “is associated with relationship satisfaction, so for most (but not all) couples, having a good sex life is good for the long-term relationship,” says Dr. Gurney. “Interestingly, this only works in one direction: having a great relationship doesn't always lead to great sex, but having a great sex life usually leads to a great relationship.”

But long-term studies have also shown that the amount of sex we have is decreasing, especially among those in relationships. The NatSal study found that couples were having less sex now than 10 years ago; The decline in sexual activity over time was “significantly greater” for those in a relationship than for single people. These findings were echoed by a 2017 study published in the Sexual behavior fileswhich suggested that married couples were having sex, on average, nine times less a year in the early 2010s compared to the late 1990s.

Dr. Gurney agrees that she has noticed this decline in the therapy room, and highlights busier lives with blurred boundaries between work and family life, as well as smartphone use, as the main culprits. “The average UK adult spends hours a day on her phone, which detracts from her relationship with her partner. Relationships with phones also impact our ability to pay undistracted attention to the present moment, and being able to be in the moment is something we know is essential for good sex.”

This echoes researchers' theories about why the frequency of sexual activity has decreased compared to previous generations: We're simply too busy to get down to business, in addition to being chronically online. “The most compelling of explanations, given the age and marital status of those most affected, perhaps relates to the stress and 'busyness' of modern life, such that work, family life and leisure are constantly combined,” said NatSal. authors of the study. “Life in the digital age is considerably more complex than in previous times, the border between the private space of the home and the public world outside is blurred, and the Internet offers considerable scope for fun.”

The change in roles could also have played a role, reflects Jo Coker. “Almost all women work now, even when raising children,” she says. “The demands of these two roles can leave the couple exhausted simply from getting through the days, with less time to spend on themselves.”

So could Mrs Ryan, a busy working mother of three children aged 14, two and one, be right? Is aiming for a specific number of regular appointments per month (and even scheduling them) a great formula to ensure you don't miss out completely?

While keeping a journal of your time together as a couple is good, specifying that you have to have sex could add to the pressure, some experts say.

“If you have a good time together, then there will be good sex if that's what you both want,” Coker says. “Scheduling sex alone can be very cold and kill any passion before it begins, which is why couples living with infertility can experience difficulties. Create space to be together and don't push that.”

Gurney agrees that the important thing is to make time for one-on-one, rather than time for sex. “I never suggest scheduling sex to my clients and the reason for this is that the idea that you are on a conveyor belt with a different outcome (sex) at the end often creates too much pressure for people's desire to arise. “Instead, I suggest scheduling some form of physical intimacy alongside an increase in overall sexual activity in a relationship so that desire has a chance to arise more frequently.”

That said, “if people wait for their desire to arise spontaneously, they are probably waiting a long time” when they are in a long-term relationship. “Because of this, it's important to consider keeping a sexual relationship good by intentionally encouraging it,” Gurney adds.

While many of her clients choose to schedule sex to fit their busy lifestyles, Passell-Syms says she prefers to use the word “ritual.” “Creating a sacred ritual allows for both the opportunity and intention to spend quality time together, be intimate, or simply reconnect. “Couples notice how nice it feels to be together after intercourse, which is a result of the chemicals that are released after sex and last up to 14 days afterwards.”

If you decide to adopt a “sex schedule,” what is the most important element to ensure success? The intention behind this. “If it becomes part of your long list of things to 'do,' no pun intended, then of course who will want to be part of that ritual every Wednesday night?” Passell-Syms says. “However, if there is an intention to spend quality time (touching, kissing, caressing, being with each other), then it will be pleasurable. This is what you do.”