In a perfect world, everyone you love would be with someone who values them and treats them well. And, bonus point, that person would be someone you'd get along with and could happily hang out with well into old age. But that doesn't always happen.
One of the most frustrating dilemmas in a friendship is seeing one of your friends dating someone you can't stand. As a person who wants the best for their partner, this delicate situation can leave you with an overwhelming decision to make: do you tell your friend how you really feel about their partner, hinting that they should consider breaking up with them? Or do you mind your own business and keep your thoughts to yourself?
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If your friend is in an abusive relationship or is suffering from some kind of harm, relationship experts say you should address the situation with urgency and be direct with your concerns. But in most other cases, the answer becomes more complex.
“It’s OK to say, ‘I don’t like your partner,’” says Aaron Martin, a queer marriage and family therapist in San Francisco. “At the same time, be prepared to deal with the consequences that come with that level of transparency and honesty.”
Telling a friend how you feel about their partner can be tricky because there's a chance they'll get angry, defensive, or even more painful, reject you. However, experts say one thing you definitely shouldn't do is demand that they break up with their partner.
Whenever you tell someone what you need “If you do that, you’re taking away their sense of autonomy, and that’s a really important thing that you need in order to feel happy and fulfilled,” says Danielle Bayard Jackson, an author, presenter and coach who specializes in female friendships. “That’s why ultimatums tend not to go down well.” (Have you seen “The Ultimatum” on Netflix?)
It's a tricky situation, but there are respectful ways to express your disapproval and concern without telling your friend what to do. Here's how therapists and relationship coaches say you can approach the conversation.
Do you have a valid concern?
Before you say anything to your friend, it's crucial to understand why you have a problem with their partner in the first place. Los Angeles-based relationship coach Fabiola Wong recommends asking yourself this question: “What is it about this situation that bothers me?” and then digging deeper from there.
Our emotions give us data, but they don’t necessarily paint the full picture. Sometimes we just don’t get along with someone—not everyone is for everyone, Martin says. Being aware of your underlying feelings can help you frame the conversation with your friend. “If I find them annoying, that means maybe they’re coming in a little meaner than usual,” Martin says. “Maybe they’re coming in already in a bad mood.” Plus, finding someone irritating or not vibey with their sense of humor isn’t a good enough reason to tell your friend to dump them—make sure you have a logical concern.
Experts suggest you also check your motives and make sure you have your friend's best interest in mind, not your own. Do you miss the time you used to spend with your friend when they were single? Do you feel jealous of their relationship? It's possible that your own triggers or relationship traumas could be influencing how you feel about your friend's partner.
What happens if my friend complains to me about his partner?
If your friend is telling you about things they're having with their partner and you're not sure if it's a good time to share your concerns, experts say it's OK to ask if they want you to listen or give them your opinion. You can say, “I don't know if it's OK to share some things because I have thoughts or if you just need to say it, which is totally fine with me,” says Bayard Jackson, author of “Fighting for Our Friendships” and host of the Friend Forward podcast.
“It may seem formal if you are not used to doing it, but it is a good way to assess and help satisfy [their] need for emotional support because if [they are] “I just need to get something off my chest, I want to clarify something,” she adds. You can also start the conversation on your own and begin with vulnerability by saying something like, “I have some really strong feelings about this, but I’m worried you’ll be mad at me.”
“Tone is important. We can speak our truth, but sometimes we do it so bluntly that it can come across as harsh and critical, and the truth doesn’t have to be harsh.”
— Tiera Couch, clinical social worker specializing in relational trauma and anxiety
Tiera Couch, a clinical social worker in Los Angeles who specializes in relational trauma and anxiety, encourages people to bring up all the things that could go wrong at the beginning of the conversation. They can say, “I’m not trying to judge you or influence your decisions. I’m sharing this because I care about you. It’s not a personal feeling.”
“Be aware of your friend and how they receive information,” says Couch, the owner of Uncensored therapy and wellness“Tone is important. We can speak our truth, but sometimes we do it so bluntly that it can come off as harsh and judgmental, and the truth doesn’t have to be harsh.” Every friendship is different, and while some people may prefer things told to them without sugarcoating it, others may prefer a softer approach.
Focus on your friend, not their partner
Once you've stated your intentions, Bayard Jackson suggests focusing on the dynamics of your friend's relationship rather than their partner. Instead of saying, for example, “He's rude,” you can say something like, “I've noticed you're reserved around him, which is not like you,” or “I think your partner is holding you back from achieving your goals.”
“I’m not trying to make you see how flawed this person is,” she says. “I’m going to point it out and tell you that, as a friend of mine, that’s what I noticed about you.” That’s harder to refute than calling your partner an idiot, for example.
As with any conflict, your friend may feel defensive or think this conversation is coming out of nowhere, so it's critical to show empathy. Does your friend live with a partner? Are their finances entangled? Do they have a child or pet together? “All of these things make life exponentially more complicated than saying, ‘Hey, I choose to leave this person,’” Martin says.
What happens if they stay together?
Of course, there's a chance your friend will ignore your advice and choose to continue the relationship. He or she might continue to bring his or her partner over to your house or vent to you about his or her partner — both of which are uncomfortable. Experts suggest setting boundaries for yourself.
If you can't stand the idea of being with your friend's partner, you can be honest with him or her about your discomfort, says Bayard Jackson. “But if you're willing to hang out for a short time, you can ask for a balance…hopefully, your friend can respect that.” You can suggest spending time alone with your friend or hanging out with a large group, for example.
“You can still be their friend and be around them, but there are certain things you don’t have to get involved in. And let them know, ‘When you’re ready for other kinds of advice and support, I’ll be here.’”
— Clinical Social Worker Tiera Couch
If your friend keeps complaining to you about their partner and it's driving you crazy, Couch suggests saying something like, “I can't keep processing this if you're not ready to move on or change something because it hurts me to see you in pain.”
“You can still be their friend and be around them, but there are certain things you don’t have to get involved in,” she adds. “And let them know, ‘When you’re ready for other kinds of advice and support, I’ll be here.’”
Once you've shared your feelings about your friend's relationship, there's likely to be a shift in the friendship, Martin says. Maybe your partner will start spending less time with you, stop bringing their partner over to your house altogether (which can be a small win for you), or, worst case scenario, your friendship may come to an end. What you have to remember, though, is that it's their life and you don't get to decide who they date.
“They have their own decision-making capacity and it can be very difficult for them not to listen to you,” she says. “In the same way, a tenet of therapy is that people know what’s best for themselves, so I think that can be something to fall back on. ‘I just have to trust that my friend knows what’s best for them.’”
