After not talking to me for four years, my ex -boyfriend Adam sends me a text message that is in the city and asks for lunch. Before thinking about how bad this person mistreated me during our relationship of 2 and a half years, the damage that caused my trust and self -esteem, I am writing the word “Canter's”.
Then I send a text message about the elements of the menu, and he replies: “You have uploaded your fun game.” And the whip of this incredibly shameless person has suddenly returned in my life.
When we were leaving in Chicago, he never came to my comedy shows and barely acknowledged that I did Comedy, who sent the message that he did not believe it was fun. (And wow, how generous it is to say that I am A little fun now! ) But this is the new self four years later, and I will not let his comment hurt my feelings.
I have confidence. I am in charge. Then I sent him a text message: “Everything has been increased.”
I find it in Canter's in Fairfax Avenue, a very pure place for this event, and I am surprised by its appearance. It looks 20 years older than four years ago. In my head, I am thinking: “This makes sense. The ugliness within it has deteriorated his physical body.” It may not be a great sign that I think this person is so ugly inside that they are rotting outside. And yet there it was.
Table for two, please! I feel in front of him and I notice that the brightness in his eye has gone. It is that brightness that led me to this disaster in the first place. I would look at me, and I would be surprised by his fun, naughty and unpredictable. I am relieved that the brightness is gone, so I can keep control! I am also relieved because perhaps that means that he is now taking some medications.
During our relationship, he had intense humor changes, but he never sought a treatment that is not large amounts of life of Miller High, which, to get this, worsened things. It would become a terror. Sometimes he intended to be a baby, like a literal baby, speaking as one, acting helpless, rolling on the ground. Other times, I knew how to say bad things or fights. His friends even had a nickname for him when he became evil: Mal Adam.
Sitting in front of him in Canter's, I also notice that it seems to be a bit crossed, which I find ironic because I always thought I had a wandering eye. I'm serious: he constantly flirted with other women while we went out, I constantly compared me with his ex. Once he implied that he was not as intelligent as his ex because “I did not read so many books.”
I will never forget the moment I heard him talk to a friend on the phone in a way he had never spoken before, so sweet. For me, he was derogatory. Every time he sneezed, he said “blessed,” and he didn't respond. I thought: “Maybe I don't know that this is the standard exchange?” Then, once, he sneezed, and my cousin said: “Blessed.” And he said: “Thank you.” I couldn't believe it. All this time, every sneeze, had been ignoring me.
I tell him that I live alone (recently a long -term relationship had ended), and obviously illuminates. That's when I accept that this lunch could be more than a simple position. Then he acknowledges that he was not the best boyfriend and who feared that “would ruin men” for me.
I mean: “The only thing you ruined for me were you!” But I don't do it because he's now crying. The only one again that I saw him cry was when he broke with me (the first time) because “I didn't get angry enough.”
We end up dividing the check. I tell him that I am studying the comedy here in Los Angeles, and he asks if I have a show while in the city. In fact, I have an improvisation program at the Uplight Citizens Brigade, but it is a great commitment to invite him. It is improvisation and I am new in that. But maybe I can finally show you what I am capable. I invite you!
The improvisation program has a difficult start. It is the day of the fallen, so we deliver sweets at the beginning of the show for some reason as cursed, and then we cannot hear what someone says on stage because the sweets that are not wrapped are very noisy. Finally, the noise goes out and blocks me. I tell my stage partner: “You never gave me a single fulfillment!” This is something that I want Adam to listen, of course.
I am not brave enough to put it in the face, so I will say it in a fantasy break scene. “You never told me you loved me!” I boldly say while I move because I am also playing a penguin. Laughter is warm in the best case.
After the show, my teammates of improvisation and I headed to a bar, and invite Adam. He agrees to join, but acts as if he didn't want to be there. Once again, I feel that I am not good enough. The old I would have internalized this, but four years bothers me. In fact, I am surprised how rude it behaves, how openly it is ignoring my friends. He makes a phone call and I hear it say: “I am in a place where I don't want to be.”
We remain uncomfortable in Birds in Franklin Avenue, and I'm really kicking for all this getaway. Why did I accept lunch? To show you how good I am? Maybe I thought it would be a better version of himself, and could we start something again? But it is really a worse version. Or I'm just seeing it more clearly. What I really want is to stop having some power over me. I want to get rid of him. And then he turns to me and tells me: “Will you marry me?”
And I say: “What?”
It is the most absurd I have heard. And then it is repeated: “Will you get married with me”?
“No,” I say, my apparent disbelief. It is quiet, then turns and heads towards the door. Then he throws his arms in the air and shouts: “I am free!” Like how a child could say “Sheeee!” while pushing into a shopping cart.
I just released it from a curse? Wait, he really thinks? he Was it the damn here? I feel that I have been the one who is caught in this hell, trying to impress this type for seven years. I always received so little from him and assumed that there was always an opportunity to get further. More attention, more validation, more love.
That is Why I had lunch with him. It was an opportunity for more. But this casual proposal, without a ring, without reason, in a random bar? And then he doesn't receive the answer he wants and exhausts, as a toad that finally became a man? I am the one who has been released now that it is very clear: there is no further.
The author is a comedian, writer and filmmaker standing at Los Angeles. She is on Instagram in @alexajloftus And in Tiktok in @alexajloftus.
Los Angeles Affairs Chronices The search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the Los Angeles area, and we want to listen to their real history. We pay $ 400 for a published essay. Email [email protected]. You can find presentation guidelines here. You can find past columns here.
