I Hated Him, Then He Died: The Unique Pain of Grieving Your Abuser

TOAs a child, Alexandra Walker suffered years of what she describes as emotional abuse from her father. As she reached her thirties, her father’s alcohol dependency worsened and only further strained their already fractured relationship. Alexandra decided to cut ties with him over the Easter period of 2022. Just over a year later, Alexandra received a call from her father’s neighbour to inform her that he had not been seen for several weeks; his lawn was overgrown with weeds and his mail was piling up. He was then found in his home, having been dead for about a month.

From that moment on, Alexandra experienced every emotion imaginable: guilt, shame, sadness. “I had always been nervous about my father’s death because he had cut ties with almost everyone in his life,” Alexandra tells me. “It was shocking to face the reality that he had died alone. I felt a mix of anger about the whole thing, disbelief and shock. And, if I’m honest, I also felt relief, because I didn’t see any good ending to his situation. I knew it was only going to get worse because he had isolated himself.”

Coping with the loss of a family member with whom one had a complex relationship is never easy or straightforward. That's something Mariah Carey is likely grappling with this week, after announcing that her mother, Patricia, and estranged sister, Alison, died on the same day. The causes of their deaths remain unknown.

In his 2020 memoirs, The meaning of Mariah CareyThe singer-songwriter described her relationship with her mother as one characterized by “betrayal and beauty,” “love and abandonment,” and filled with a combination of “pride, pain, shame, gratitude, jealousy, admiration and disappointment.” She continued: “Like many aspects of my life, my journey with my mother has been filled with contradictions and competing realities. It’s never been just black and white, it’s been a whole rainbow of emotions.”

She also wrote that her therapist encouraged her to “rename and reframe” her family and her relationships with them. “My mother became Pat to me, Morgan became my ex-brother, and Alison became my ex-sister,” she wrote. “I had to stop hoping that one day they would miraculously become the mom, big brother, and big sister I fantasized about.”

Carey also wrote about her strained relationship with Alison, writing that her sister was “brilliant and broken” and had experienced things that had “damaged and derailed her childhood.” She claimed that her sister “drugged me with Valium, offered me a pinky nail full of cocaine, gave me third-degree burns, and tried to sell me to a pimp.” She later came to accept that it was “emotionally and physically safer” to withdraw contact with her sister rather than continue a relationship.

Carey's complicated state of grief was also articulated by former child star Jennette McCurdy in her own memoir, the 2022 bestseller. I'm glad my mom died. She recounts her relationship with her mother, Debra, who McCurdy says was abusive and invasively controlled every aspect of her life, from her friendships to her body hair. McCurdy was relieved when her mother died and the abuse finally ended, but that didn't mean she didn't miss her or grieve for her, either. “I used to have a really complicated relationship with missing her; I would miss her, then I would get angry and think that she didn't deserve me to miss her,” McCurdy told The Guardian when promoting his book.”[My mother] “The person who abused me, how can I still love that person? It was a deeply confusing form of grieving.”

Grief has many layers, but add the context of a fractured (or abusive) relationship and the experience is sometimes far more distressing than losing someone you had a good relationship with. Sarah Lee, a UKCP psychotherapist who works with survivors of childhood trauma in Manchester, tells me that the experience of losing a family member who hurt us can be isolating. Society tends to teach us that there is only one way to talk about the dead: that we should be respectful, solemn and sad. Shades of grey are not encouraged much.

During our conversation, Lee describes a hypothetical scenario in which an adult attends the funeral of their abusive parent and watches their life being celebrated in an entirely positive way. “Maybe that person is really sad at the funeral because everyone is talking about how great their dad was,” she says. “They come home and start thinking, ‘Well, wait a minute. What about all the times I was left home alone to go out drinking? Or told they hated me? Or that my life had no meaning?’ And then they get angry.” Lee tells me that this is an example of the “emotional leaps” that accompany this type of grieving process.

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Lee says self-blame and self-loathing can accompany these emotions. While there’s no one way to grieve, beliefs like “don’t speak ill of the dead” are often widely held, and straying from the norm can raise suspicions. “There’s the potential to feel hurt that you’re not grieving properly or to feel judged by other people,” Lee says. Some people may try to excuse the deceased person’s mistakes or try to portray them in a more positive light, which can leave the affected family member or family members even more isolated. “In dysfunctional families, there’s a massive system of denial,” Lee explains. “There can be a lot of people who pretend to forget all the bad things that happened. It can be a kind of psychological manipulation, and that can be very isolating for people.”

In Alexandra’s case, her father didn’t want a funeral, so she didn’t have to attend any events with the people who knew him after his death. Since then, she has been keen to talk about her experience. She left her corporate job to retrain as a life coach and now helps others overcome traumatic experiences. But she also felt there was an expectation from others that she shouldn’t talk openly about her father’s flaws. “People always struggle with grief, but the people I know – my friends and family – struggled even more than usual,” she explains. “There were some amazing family members and friends who really sat with me.” [and listen]And I don't blame those who couldn't. It just made it a little bit lonelier because a lot of people just couldn't get involved because it was too difficult. I think there's a pressure to move on and not talk about it anymore.”

Alexandra says she believes in honoring her parents, but at the same time, there are some situations “where you know harm has been done.” “If we don’t raise awareness about emotional abuse, people won’t understand how damaging it is. But I think for some people it’s still, ‘Oh, it’s just emotional abuse. It’s not that bad. ’ But if you look at the evidence, it has really long-lasting emotional and physical impacts on people.” Alexandra says that as a young adult, she developed a number of mental health issues — including OCD, anxiety, and chronic insomnia — which, in retrospect, were related to the ways she was forced to be hypervigilant around her father and her angry mood swings as a child.

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There’s a saying that grief “comes in waves.” In Alexandra’s case, she mourned her relationship with her father when they became estranged in 2022. But his death brought with it a second set of emotions. Lee calls these two experiences the “first and second grief,” and they’re often related to the deaths of estranged family members. When two people cut ties for the first time, there can be a level of acceptance. But when that person is gone, the situation becomes even more finite. “In some cases, even when there’s been a lot of the first kind of grief, the death is like the second trigger,” Lee explains. “When someone’s gone, you can no longer hope that one day they’ll wake up and regret how they treated people.” In that sense, the second grief is about “accepting that they’re not coming back.”

Lee adds that shame is often projected onto those who admit to feeling a sense of relief or relief when someone has died. “People say to me, ‘I feel really bad, but I’m not that sorry that they’re not here anymore,’ or ‘I don’t think I’ll be sad when they die,’” Lee tells me. “They ask, ‘Does that make me a terrible person?’ I say, ‘No, because you had a terrible relationship with them. Actually, it makes perfect sense that you feel that way.’ It’s hard to admit that, but it’s also very liberating to be able to say that.”

But she also says that experiencing these feelings doesn’t make you evil. Nor does it make you ungrateful for the positive aspects of that relationship. “Whatever you’re feeling is okay,” she says. “It doesn’t make you a bad person.”

If you need help coping with the death of someone, you can call Cruse's free bereavement support helpline on 0808 808 1677. There is also a free chat service available on the charity's website at cruse.org.uk

If you are experiencing feelings of distress or are struggling to cope, you can speak to the Samaritans, confidentially, on 116 123 (UK and ROI), email [email protected] or visit the Samaritans website. Samaritans Website to find details of the branch nearest you. If you are in the U.S. and you or someone you know needs mental health support right now, please call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org to access the 988 suicide and crisis helpline online chat. This is a free and confidential crisis hotline that is available to everyone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If you are in another country, you can go to www.befrienders.org to find a helpline near you.