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When a friend starts a relationship with someone new, you want to be happy for them, but what if you don't like that person or don't think they're the right person for you?
First, you're not alone. It's actually quite common to dislike a friend's partner, says BACP-registered psychotherapist and counselor Alison Goolnik.
“Whether you say something to your friend depends on several factors: understanding why you dislike the person, how that affects you, and the potential impact your words can have on your friendship.”
Discover your own feelings first
It is important to first determine what you are really feeling and whether it is actually “dislike” for your new partner.
“You may feel jealous of your friend’s partner and insecure about the friendship because you fear this new relationship could destroy it. Or you may feel protective of your friend and worry about their well-being or safety because of how their new partner treats them,” says Goolnik.
“Maybe you just don’t like your partner because you find them annoying and irritating, and you’re disappointed that your friend chose that partner and resent having to spend time with them. Be honest with yourself. What are those feelings driving at? Knowing the source can help you decide what to do next.”
In trying to understand your dislike for your friend's partner, she suggests you ask yourself, “What is the reason you want to tell your friend something?”, “Does your friendship feel threatened?”, “Are you worried about your friend's well-being and safety?”, “Do you know anything about the partner that your friend doesn't?”, “Does the partner make your friend happy?” and “What do you like and dislike about your friend's partner?”
How to approach the conversation
If after all that you still feel the need to approach your friend to tell them your feelings, how you approach the conversation will depend on several factors, such as how close you are and how they will react.
“It’s a very personal decision that depends on what you think is best for your friendship,” Goolnik says. But she advises finding a quiet, private place where you won’t be interrupted.
“Start the conversation by letting your friend know how much you value their friendship and that you care about their best interests. Accept what they say, rather than blaming your friend or partner. Use “I” statements like, “I felt disrespectful when…”, “I’m worried about you because…”
“Avoid being too direct with your feelings. It can make your friend defensive and angry, and they may end the conversation.”
It's crucial to maintain empathy and patience, and “be specific about your concerns, rather than making general statements and listen to your friend's response, even if you don't agree with it,” Goolnik says.
She also suggests asking your friends questions, such as: “Does your partner make you happy?” “Do you have any concerns about your relationship?”
But ultimately, “Respect your friend’s decision whatever it is; you want to support your friend, not tell them what to do.”
What impact can saying something – or not saying something – have on friendship?
“Telling a friend something has its pros and cons. It can upset them and strain the friendship. It can make them defensive and resentful. They may see you as someone who is interfering and not helping them,” says Goolnik.
“However, saying something can protect you from being hurt. Your friend might be grateful and receptive to your feedback, even if they don’t agree with you.”
If you choose not to say something, unexpressed feelings can cause “frustration and awkwardness,” which could create a barrier between you and your friend, she adds.
“It’s hard to be exposed to someone you don’t like, and you may find it difficult to be nice to your friend’s partner, which can bring out the worst in you. But by not saying anything, you could be respecting your friend’s decisions and saving your friendship.
“However, it is essential to prioritize the mental health and safety of your friends.”
To find a therapist, visit bacp.co.uk
