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From sleepless nights to empty nests, every stage of parenting comes with challenges, and right now, the mental health epidemic is leaving many of us feeling helpless.
The Royal College of Psychiatrists has reported a 53% increase in the number of children experiencing mental health crises over the past four years. So it is perhaps unsurprising that, according to new research from Bupa, almost half (44%) of parents say that worrying about their child’s mental health causes them stress and anxiety, leading to sleep deprivation for more than a quarter (29%).
Holly Matthews, personal development coach and founder of the Happy Me Project, can relate. The former Waterloo Road actress, who is releasing a new book in September on how to regain self-confidence, lost her husband in 2017 to brain cancer and has been raising her two daughters alone ever since.
“I live and breathe it myself,” she says. “We were already struggling, because finances have been squeezed, there's the whole environmental issue and then we had the lockdown. There's also the fact that GPs are struggling, schools are struggling and there's no funding.
“People are on the brink of collapse and children live in homes where parents are trying to juggle everything, be everything and do everything, without any support.”
As parents, we can't get off our routine when life gets tough for our children.
“The way your child feels and behaves has a direct impact on you,” says Dominique Antiglio, sophrologist, author and founder of BeSophro. “The way you feel and behave also has a direct impact on your child.
“When there is so much going on in a parent’s life, it is no wonder that well-being suffers. Anxiety, insomnia, depression, parental burnout, or simply living in a constant state of overwhelm are some of the difficulties a parent can endure.”
Caring for a child with mental health problems is deeply difficult, she adds, especially when there are other challenges to deal with, such as single parenting, relationship problems, financial difficulties or a pressured job.
Suzy Reading, a chartered psychologist and author of Self-care For Tough Times, says we need to take care of our own needs and the needs of others: “Our children need us to be able to keep giving and keep going. We can move away from this black and white thinking about whether you are a selfish person or a selfless person – you can actually be generous, be present and be caring, take care of the needs of others and also take care of yourself.”
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“The pressure parents put on themselves is terrible,” says Matthews. “When you’re dealing with a child who’s struggling, you focus on that. You have to give yourself permission to put everything else aside.”
Celebrate the victories
Matthews believes it’s important to acknowledge the moments when everything seems to be going well. It doesn’t have to be a triumph, but if everyone has gotten through the day without spiraling, that’s a win. “It’s going to take practice when you’re in the thick of it. On the worst days, your win might be ‘I ate and got dressed today.’ And there will be days when it’s better, but train your brain to notice that.”
Find ways to take breaks
It may seem impossible to take a break from the situation, but it's important. If your friends or family offer to help, say yes.
“If we don’t take a break, we’re going to be the worst version of ourselves for our kids,” Matthews says. “Allow yourself that support.”
And if there's no one around to help you, find a micro-moment: a long bathroom break, a lunchtime meditative walk, a cup of tea in the garden… it all helps.
“We have to recognize that if we don’t do this, we will be reactionary,” adds Matthews. “We will not show up the way we want to and we will exhaust our energy.”
Establish a routine
Routines may seem monotonous, but they can benefit the whole family during difficult times.
“If you find a really boring pattern of how you’re going to do adult things, like laundry and making tea, then everyone can hold on to that and know that it’s reliable,” says Matthews. “Routine can be supportive and calming, because everyone knows that at this moment, on this day, this is happening. There are a lot of things that seem out of control, so wherever we can establish something, lean into it.”
Support your nervous system
When we're anxious, our body goes into fight-or-flight mode, forcing stress hormones to surge in our nervous system. Matthews recommends practicing breathing exercises, meditation, or whatever works for you, so you can start each day on a calm note.
“Don’t think you have to sit in the lotus position in Bali to do meditation,” she says. “Just take 10 full breaths, put your hand on your heart and reflect on yourself. Find ways to calm yourself before you meditate. [seeing] “Kids, it means we’re going to bring our best selves to the table.”
Jamie Clements, respiratory specialist and founder of The Breath Space, says: “One of the most challenging things we see is people getting stressed out by stress.
“When it comes to parenting, much of this conversation revolves around the concept of co-regulation. This is the unspoken conversation between two nervous systems, for example that of a parent and a child. If a parent is highly stressed, the child is likely to pick up on this and in turn become dysregulated, creating a vicious cycle. However, if a parent is regulated, this can help the child stay in or return to a more regulated state.”
Have a bedtime ritual
Reading is a mom herself, and she knows what it feels like to be running through to-do lists or thinking too much about worries when bedtime rolls around: “The problem is that when our minds are so full, if you were to sit quietly and try to relax, it would be very difficult. So I would suggest something to guide you, some kind of guided practice where it’s not about clearing your mind, it’s about listening.”
She suggests reading (or listening to) something that uplifts you, a guided relaxation session, or even a stretching routine before bed. “So often when we’re worried about mental health, we’re like, ‘I need to figure out how to get out of this, I need some kind of cognitive strategy. ’ Let’s not discount the power of rubbing magnesium oil on your feet because the anti-inflammatory properties will help you relax. And instead of trying to find all the solutions, you’re just living in the moment, feeling the sensation. That can be a circuit breaker.”
Remember that you are not an expert
It’s natural to want to find all the answers to our children’s problems and wave a magic wand. But, says Reading, “Let’s remember what our role is. We are our children’s parents. We are not their therapist or their coach. And in this do-it-yourself age, where we see all this information on the Internet, we feel like we should be able to do it all. We can’t. You don’t have to fix this.”
Be vocal
Lisa Gunn, mental health safeguarding officer at Nuffield Health, suggests parents build a strong support network and, if possible, seek professional help.
“Friends and family are a good place to seek emotional and physical support. It can be a simple chat about how you are feeling, identifying stressors, establishing better ways of coping and sharing experiences,” says Gunn.
“It is also beneficial to talk to your employer about the option of making adjustments at work. Flexible working allows parents to balance their professional and personal lives, adapt their schedules to fit in with medical appointments, and be more present in both roles.”
