Meagan Culberson, 32, was on a third date with a guy she met on Hinge when she decided it was time to ask him a decisive question: What are you looking for?
They had been on fun dates and she was interested in getting to know him better, but only if they were on the same page. She wanted a long term relationship.
When she broached the conversation with him, he told her he wanted to “go with the flow”; In other words, he wasn't intending to date her like she was.
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“It was like an epiphany,” says Culberson, founder of Single Girls Club, a Los Angeles-based lifestyle brand that advocates for the empowerment of single women. Now that she knew they each had different goals, she was left with two options: 1) continue dating him and see where things went, or 2) end it before she got hurt.
When he was 20, Culberson had gone through situations (a term for a romantic or intimate connection that reflects a relationship but lacks commitment) and caused her much confusion and pain. She had reflected a lot since then and knew that she didn't want to end up somewhere else, so she decided to cut things off with the guy.
“It was very difficult,” she says, adding that she was starting to like him. “But if he had gone back to those old patterns, all that healing he had done would have been a waste.”
Although the situations have probably existed since the beginning of time, these undefined hookups (which fall in the murky, gray area between a defined relationship and casual dating) seem to have become more common with the rise of dating apps, hookup culture. sexual relationships and Expanding traditional relationship dynamics (i.e. non-monogamy, polyamory, etc.), relationship experts say.
“When [a situationship] “It becomes toxic and damages your mental and possibly physical health, so you have to find a way out of that situation.”
—Denise Brady, marriage and family therapist
A recent YouGov survey, which interviewed more than 1,000 American adults, found that 39% of people had been in a previous situation, and people between between ages 18 to 34, that number increases to 50%.
In a 2022 report, Tinder declared “situations” to be a top trend and reported a 49% increase in members who add the phrase to their bios with young singles who say they “prefer situations as a way to develop a relationship with less pressure.” Additionally, after 34% of Hinge users reported falling into a situation they found themselves in in 2022, the app added a feature called “Dating Intents” so daters could indicate in advance what that they were looking for (i.e. a life partner, a short-term relationship, discover my relationship). objectives, etc.) Tinder and Bumble offer a similar feature.
So why does it seem like more and more people are getting into difficult situations? One answer is burnout, says Denise Brady, a Long Beach-based marriage and family therapist. “[Some people] I feel like, “Man, I've been through this so many times that I really don't want to put myself out there, so at least I have my sexual needs met, maybe not my emotional needs, but this situation is working.” I,'” she says.
Although these unclear connections tend to get a bad rap, relationship experts say they are not inherently good or bad. For some people, a situation can provide exactly what they need at a given time in their life and can be mutually satisfying as long as both parties are on the same page and a person does not abandon their true desires.
“But when it becomes toxic and harms your mental and possibly physical health, then you have to find a way out of that situation,” Brady says.
Because situations often reflect fulfilling relationships, it can be difficult to free yourself from them. If you're in one and want to end it, here's what relationship experts say you should do.
Be honest with yourself
Whether you were initially okay with not having a degree or have kept it a secret in the hope that the other person would eventually want a relationship, experts say it's completely normal (and okay) to change your mind about what you want.
“You have to know how you feel,” says Patrick Yao, a marriage and family therapy trainee at Pelican Cove. “Let's make sure, first and foremost, that you take care of yourself so you can make a comfortable and healthy decision.”
Yao recommends reflecting on these questions:
- How do you feel when you are with the person? (i.e., do you feel safe? Distant? Supported? Respected? Lack of commitment?)
- What are you like when you are not with the person?
- Do you share the same relationship goals? Are you looking for something else?
Talk loud
Once you're clear on your dating goals, Sara Stanizai, a Long Beach-based marriage and family therapist, suggests having a conversation with the person you've been dating to clarify what they want, and then you can decide if that works. for you. However, she warns that “you must be prepared to lose the relationship as you know it.”
Start the conversation by explaining what you want (for example, a committed relationship), but don't blame the person or give any ultimatums, says Stanizai.
“That way, not only do you respect the other person and speak only for yourself, but it's also harder to argue or argue your points,” he says. For example, if you tell someone that you are not getting what you need from the situation, it is difficult to have a rebuttal.
But it's also okay if you don't want to have a formal conversation about it, Brady says. “Sometimes those conversations make it harder” to walk away.
In that case, he recommends cutting things off with the person and having no contact, or slowly decreasing communication with them over time. (Pro tip: It's also helpful to have an accountability friend who you can text when you feel the need to check in with the person you've been dating, she says.)
Take time to heal
Although the situations lack a title, that does not mean that they hurt any less when they come to an end. In fact, some people argue that these entanglements are just as painful (and sometimes more so) than an official relationship.
“You don't have clarity within the situations to start that. [healing] process, which is why some people feel stuck in limbo,” says Yao. “This gets into this prolonged emotional distress.”
Therefore, it is crucial that you give yourself the same amount of time, space, and grace to recover from a situation as you do for an official relationship. (Reminder: Friends and family, if you know someone going through this, don't belittle their feelings just because they didn't have a title.)
Be kind to yourself, Culberson says, and remember that “you are worthy of what you desire.”
PS: If you need a little more encouragement or commiseration, check out the situation-inspired playlist our readers helped us curate:
