The gray stone method has taken off as an alternative way to manage conflicts with others.
Over the past decade, the gray rock method has gradually gained popularity as a conflict mediation tactic, typically applied during an argument that may be unproductive or prone to escalation. Most recently, gray rocking resurfaced during an episode of Bravo'sVanderpump Rules in which Ariana Madix used the tactic to avoid her cheating ex-boyfriend, Tom Sandoval.
According to clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula's book, It's not you: identifying and curing narcissistic peopleTo achieve a proper gray rock, you must remain neutral and keep all interactions with your antagonist to a minimum. He added that people should also refrain from sharing any information that could be used against them.
Gray balancing is a way to emotionally disengage from a conflict when the other person is apparently looking for a fight or an argument. Although the method has not been studied nor is it based on psychological practice, Durvasula writes that it is an effective way to communicate a problem concisely, noting that the method can work as well at work as it does in personal matters.
The method has had multiple forms online, with one communication coach on TikTok advocating for “gentle” gray rolling when dealing with awkward or awkward encounters. Whether someone asks you how you're coping with the breakup or how your job search is going, a gentle gray sway can allow you to redirect the conversation toward something positive.
However, the method doesn't always take into account how rude or aggressive other people may be. If the other person continues to be combative and ignores her boundaries, Dr. Durvasula recommends limiting contact with her.
Durvasula was not the first to coin the term, she admitted to the New York Times She came across the term on Donna Andersen's website, Love Fraud. In 2005, Andersen created the website as a guide to help others recognize scammers, narcissists, and psychopaths hiding in plain sight. She was driven to create the platform after her ex-husband stole a quarter of a million dollars from her and she had countless extramarital affairs.
The online community gave people the opportunity to share how each of them has dealt with these toxic people, and one person wrote an article in 2012 titled “The Gray Rock Method for Dealing with Psychopaths.”
“Psychopaths are addicted to drama and can't stand being bored,” the writer said, noting that breaking contact may be the most effective solution, but not everyone can do it. They recommended that people try to respond to the other person in a disaffected way to avoid conflict and channel the energy of a still, immovable gray rock.
