When Sabrina Zohar started dating her boyfriend, whom she refers to as “tech guy” popular tiktok videoshe had doubts about their connection for a surprising reason.
He barely texted her.
After meeting on Hinge in 2022, they went on several dates and saw each other at least twice a week despite living about 100 miles away from each other. (He lived in San Diego, while she was in Los Angeles at the time.) But Zohar still wondered if the “tech guy” was really interested in her.
Dating in Los Angeles can be complicated. In “Are You Up?” We'll explore common dating problems and provide tips on how to date better.
About a month after dating, Zohar told him that she wanted to communicate more (they usually texted every few days) between their dates so she could feel more connected to him. Her response changed her perspective.
“He set a boundary that I will never forget,” says Zohar, who is a dating coach and host of the podcast “do the work.” “He said, '[Texting] It is not a sign of my disinterest. I work in technology. I stare at the screen for nine hours a day. “I have no interest in having a digital relationship or talking endlessly to someone via text.” I preferred to spend quality time with her in person.
“That's when the stars aligned,” he says, “and I was like, 'Holy shit! Texting doesn't mean anything. It's little effort. It is easy to do. “You can be in the bathroom texting someone instead of having to show up to pick them up.” Shortly after her conversation, she began posting videos about her coming out on TikTok, where she has more than 620,000 followers.
When it comes to texting in the early stages of dating (especially when you've been on five dates or less), people have different and often very passionate opinions on the topic. While some people expect their love interest to text them every day to show their interest, others don't mind texting at all, which can cause dating conflicts.
“I think we're all different” when it comes to texting, he says Traci Terrilllicensed marriage and family therapist at Highland Park Holistic Therapy, “and I think you should spend a little time and space trying to learn the other person's text communication style.”
Terrill says she disagrees with the belief that if the person you're dating doesn't text you every day, then they don't like you or care about you.
No matter what, navigating texting and dating isn't easy. This is what you should consider before Cutting off the person you're dating simply because they don't text you as often as you'd like.
Is texting the best way to meet someone?
Long before cell phones were invented, people had fruitful relationships. However, over the last three decades, mobile text messages It has been a part of our digital lives and has become an integral part of the dating process around the world.
Texting is a generally effective way to chat with your love interest. It's great for flirting, checking in, and setting up dates, but it's not the best way to fully get to know someone you're interested in, Terrill says. This is because text messages often lack context, tone, and facial expressions, which can lead to communication problems. (A relationship that exists only on your phone is known as “textualization.”)
“I get a lot of questions about text messages. I even have people read their text messages to me,” Terrill says. “I think nowadays, text messages are usually the first point of communication. And there's a lot of confusion about expectations and how to express what they want. [and] “How to handle not getting answers when you think you should.”
Three things to consider: When Terrill's clients bring their concerns about texting to her, she tells them to keep three things in mind.
- Try not to overwhelm your crush by texting them too many messages, especially if they haven't responded yet.
- Respect yourself and respect them.
- Be authentic.
Why do we care so much about texting?
Deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment can predominate at various stages of a relationship. Therefore, people may feel anxious or disinterested when their crush doesn't text them regularly, Terrill says.
If you haven't heard back from that special someone, it may lead you to think, “Are we being rejected right now? Or is that person busy? Terrill says. “We do not know. We don't have any context, so we fill in the blanks ourselves. And it's just a really difficult way to interact with other humans.”
“We are always connected. We're always communicating, whether it's Instagram or TikTok, and all of that is very immediate. So we're not very good, or we're getting less good, at separating and sitting down with someone and taking the time to respond to you.”
—Traci Terrill, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Additionally, some people think they have a right to other people's time even though they don't know them very well. Therefore, Terrill encourages people to reflect on their expectations and why they feel someone should respond to them within the ideal time frame.
“I think we're always on,” Terrill says. “We are always connected. We're always communicating, whether it's Instagram or TikTok, and all of that is very immediate. So we're not very good, or we're getting less good, at separating and sitting down with someone and taking the time to respond to you.”
“It's like a like on Instagram. “It’s like a shot of dopamine,” she adds. “'You contacted me right away.' It’s harder to be patient and watch it unfold.”
Look for red flags: Terrill says to pay attention to how your crush communicates. If it's a pattern that your crush takes a full day or even a few days to text you back and doesn't acknowledge the delay by saying, “Hey, sorry for the late response. I was overwhelmed by work,” so that could be a red flag.
Everyone's preferred communication style is different.
Some people's preferred communication style may be texting. Other people may prefer phone calls or FaceTime, while others prefer to hang out in person. No matter the case, the best communication style is subjective and varies from person to person.
Therefore, Matthew Brinkley, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical educator at USC, says it's okay to ask your crush how they like to communicate. That way you can navigate the relationship from an informed space instead of making assumptions about the other person.
“I think a lot of people don't understand that, yes, it takes 10 seconds to send a text, but that takes bandwidth and it's never just a text.”
— Sabrina Zohar, dating coach and host of “Do the Work” podcast
For example, if you really like talking on the phone and your crush doesn't, you can thank them for letting you know. Then explore ways to find a compromise, that way both needs are met.
Instead of wondering, do this: According to Brinkley, you should ask your crush a couple of questions: “Is there a time when you think I can call you? Is there anything I can do to make it more comfortable for us to talk on the phone because I want to get to know you beyond a text message?
Quality over quantity texts
Instead of focusing on how often their love interest texts, Terrill says people should think about the quality of their text conversations and how those interactions make them feel. Do they text each other the same amount? Or does it feel one-sided? When they respond, does it feel meaningful? Or do you feel insecure or anxious?
“I think it's okay to touch base as often as you're comfortable with,” he says. “I don't really put a specific number of days or hours in the day because each person and each relationship is different. It's more about [if] The feeling seems mutual. If your crush is not reciprocating or responding, it could be a non-verbal sign that she wants more space or that she doesn't feel the same way.”
Learn this lesson from the beginning: Just because “you can be accessible to someone doesn't mean that person owes it to you,” Zohar says. “I think a lot of people don't understand that, yes, it takes 10 seconds to send a text, but that takes bandwidth and it's never just a text.”
Consistency is key
Texting shouldn't be the only indicator of whether someone likes you.
“I care about having set dates,” he says. Kevin Kasir, a life coach for the LGBTQ+ community based in Los Angeles. That “means a lot more than the constant reassurance that I think some people like it.” [from] frequent messages. Appointments in person or via Zoom or FaceTime will allow you to catch up on conversations you missed over text.
In the end, having rigid expectations about how often your love interest texts you can keep you from having great experiences and meeting new people who could be a great match for you, says Zohar, who recently celebrated his one-year anniversary with a ” tech guy.” .” Now they also live together.
The definitive green flag: “We want to have consistency,” Zohar says. “That doesn't mean that the person texts you at the same time every day or that he texts you every morning. But you know that when you talk to this person, it's the same version of who they are.”
