northNumbers define our lives. How many bedrooms do we have in our houses. How many times did it take us to pass our driving test. How many husbands have we had? Etc. However, one statistic apparently means a lot more than any other: how many people we've slept with. To many, this may seem like a juvenile figure to monitor (although many adults keep a list on their phones). But regardless of whether it's something you officially track, I bet you're familiar with your number. Because for many of us it is a number to which we still give important meaning.
Over the weekend, a woman wrote in “The Midults” advice column on The Daily Telegraph expressing concern about the number of men she had been with. “I wish I hadn't slept with so many men,” she wrote. “I'm in my forties and I've been with a lovely man for many years and I'm suddenly tormented by all the bodies I've encountered, especially since most of the sex was so unsatisfying. “I don’t know why it suddenly bothers me.”
In their response, writers Annabel Rivkin and Emilie McMeekan determined that this woman had “partied a lot” in her youth. They also assured the correspondent that social expectations of her should not lead her to prescribe any type of shame for her sexual past. In fact, they shouldn't. But many times it is not that simple, especially for women. “We still have a very archaic view of how we approach this issue,” says Emma-Louise Boynton, founder and presenter of sex talks. “Women seem to be judged a lot for having the so-called 'higher body count,' while for men it's a feeling of pride rather than something to be ashamed of.”
This discrepancy is as old as time. It's the Madonna-whore complex to a tee: women who have the audacity to have a sense of themselves as sexual beings fall into the latter category, while those who pretend not to fit neatly into the former. It's something we've seen most obviously on ITV2. love island, the reality television dating show. Season after season, the show has featured a variation of the same game in which male and female contestants guessed how many people they had slept with. In textbook style, men who had slept with many people were rewarded with laughter and ridicule. Women with similar “body counts” were subject to intense scrutiny, and often in such terms (“I can't believe your body count”), which only served to exacerbate the violence of their trial.
Too much?: 'How many times a month is considered normal? How many sexual partners are considered normal?
(iStock)
“The feeling of shame associated with sleeping with too many people often stems from possibly outdated social norms, cultural values and gender stereotypes,” says psychologist Dr. Louise Goddard-Crawley. “Historically, women have been more stigmatized than men for having multiple sexual relationships. This double standard perpetuates the notion that women should be sexually modest and reserved, while men are encouraged to pursue sexual conquests. Consequently, women who deviate from these expectations may internalize feelings of shame or judgment, which affects their self-esteem and psychological well-being.”
It may require an inordinate amount of unlearning and personal development work to overcome those feelings of shame, which will inevitably affect the way we approach sex and dating in general. “It's a very arbitrary thing,” Boynton adds, “because if you've been single for most of your twenties, you'll have been with more people than those who have been in a relationship. It's not something I would ever worry about, because I've worked hard to disconnect from the shame associated with women and sex. I have a list on my phone, but it's mainly to refresh my memory.”
You would think that in 2024, these would be cultural scripts that we would have moved away from a long time ago. But they persist, and people look at their respective “number” and wonder what it says about them. “As a clinical sexologist working with women, some of the key questions I receive from my clients concern this,” says sex coach Marie Morice. “How many times a month is considered 'normal'? How many sexual partners are considered “normal”? This question can mean “Am I socially acceptable?” or 'conventional'? And my answer is always that, when it comes to sex and erotic pleasure, there is no such thing as 'normal.'”
It's not just women who ask these questions and feel regret and shame when they don't get the answers they want. “I think coming of age in the early 2000s (a time when, in pop culture, men were put on a pedestal for having a lot of sex with multiple people) really messed me up,” says Mike *, 39 years old. at a school that was full of toxic masculinity and sleeping with someone suddenly gave me status and validation.” Plus, he adds, it doesn't exactly lead to that many memorable experiences. “I can't name half the people I've slept with,” he explains. “It makes me feel disgusting and disgusting to people with whom I have adequate and meaningful relationships.”
You would think that in 2024, these would be cultural scripts that we would have moved away from a long time ago. But they persist, and people look at their respective “number” and wonder what it says about them.
All of this also has levels. Some people not only fear that they have slept with too many people, but others fear that they have slept with too few. “I often worry about how little sexual experience I have,” says Mia*, 31. “Women my age are supposed to be entering their sexual prime. But I was in a relationship for most of my twenties and I'm still figuring out who I am, sexually speaking, outside of that. So if anything, I feel ashamed for not having enough sex with enough people.”
Perhaps the fixation on such a seemingly meaningless issue speaks to a broader problem with the way we talk and think about sex. Surely the fact that we attach so much importance to something like this highlights how distorted social perceptions of sex really are and how little we still talk openly about the subject. “We have the perception that everyone else has much better and more frequent sex than we do,” Boynton says. “It creates an unhealthy culture of comparison.”
Regardless of how many sexual partners you have or haven't had, comparing your sex life to others will only amount to useless mental chatter, building a negative narrative that feeds into an underlying insecurity you harbor, whether about yourself or yourself. your body or your sexuality. “It just shows that we don't talk vulnerably enough about sex,” Boynton adds. “And until we do, we won't be able to counter these perceptions.”
*Names have been changed
