When it comes to wellness trends, small talk is not sexy. The same goes for participating in civic government or helping a neighbor carry groceries. But connecting with others could be the ultimate form of self-care, according to psychiatrist Joanna Cheek.
Shelf Help is a wellness column where we interview researchers, thinkers and writers about their latest books, all with the goal of learning how to live a fuller life.
In her book, “It's Not You, It's the World: A Mental Health Survival Guide for All of Us,” published in February, the University of British Columbia professor makes the case for the health benefits of congregate care. For example, Cheek cites research connecting altruistic behavior and a sense of purpose to reduced inflammation, as opposed to hedonistic activities, which can worsen inflammation.
Perhaps most importantly, Cheek warns that individual solutions are not enough to protect and heal us. “Emotional alarms” like fear, guilt, shame and anger are healthy signals that help us avoid obstacles and find rewards, he says. When it comes to poverty, discrimination, isolation, and other systemic problems, a sense of “moral distress” warns us of danger and warns us toward a more just and equitable society. And taking small steps to connect with others, even as simple as chatting with a stranger, can be a boost to broader change.
Portrait of author Joanna Cheek.
(Tegan McMartin)
“I constantly try to think about socializing the same way I think about exercise or physical activity,” Cheek says. “In the same way that I eat a certain amount of vegetables or have a certain amount of quiet time to meditate, I think, 'Have I had enough social contact today?'”
People obsessively follow in his footsteps. They may also want to recount their social interactions, he says. Those moments can build confidence, until momentum transforms us and the communities we call home.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
In the book you cite the renowned Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, who wrote: “Happiness cannot be pursued. It must be achieved.” Why should we focus on cultivating purpose instead of pursuing happiness?
There are many studies that show that cultivating any emotional state (happiness in particular, but also calm or lack of anxiety) is actually counterproductive. The more we try to feel a certain way, we inevitably won't, because we don't have much control over how we feel and so we will compare it to some standard of how we feel. ought feel, which will only magnify our suffering.
Instead of chasing an emotion, which is useless because our emotions are constantly changing, we can chase a purpose, which gives us a lasting sense of accomplishment, because we live according to our values. That is true well-being.
“It's not you. It's the world,” book cover by Joanna Cheek, MD.
(Hachette Book Group)
How can people who feel isolated take steps to Cultivate purpose with others?
There was a big study that reviewed studies on loneliness. It showed that it posed the same risk as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. I was completely shocked when I read that, I started to dive deep and found myself [author and professor of psychology at the University of Sussex] Gillian Sandstrom. Their research shows that connections don't have to be with the love of our life, a close-knit family, or best friends. When we come into contact with a barista at the coffee shop, someone delivering the mail, or simply saying hello to a neighbor walking their dog, these weak ties actually have similar benefits to having really deep personal connections. He conducted a study with students at his university and found that even if they didn't have friends in class, if they talked to strangers, they felt better and had higher indicators of well-being.
When we are separated from others, we haven't actually evolved as quickly, so alarms go off in our bodies. When you talk to someone in the supermarket, it's like, “Oh, I'm not alone, I'm okay, I belong to something.” Silence those alarms so they don't keep ringing.
That is why it is beneficial for us to have social interactions. How does it help our communities?
The more we connect with each other, the more we talk about differences, the more we talk to people of different lived experiences, different politics, different cultural backgrounds, different ages, different levels of health, abilities and needs, then we can have more empathy and truly care for each other and make decisions based on the truth that we are all connected.
Building a community can start with weak ties. It can be really scary to join a new group in person. When we talk about anxiety, we talk about gradual exposure, where we don't expose ourselves to the scariest things right away. So sometimes small steps can help us get comfortable with weak ties. Then, over time, we can move toward deeper contact.
I just had knee surgery this summer and ended up doing a lot of water walking in the pool for rehab, and this community pool surprised me. There were all these people who were retired or injured there during the day and I had a lot of conversations. And many times we think that these connections don't matter because we are not building a friendship that can continue. What's the point? The point is that through every interaction, we are building a sense of community for everyone. And it doesn't have to be more than one interaction. It helps create the feeling that we can trust each other and learn from each other. It feels good to be connected and that makes us want to take care of each other.
(Maggie Chiang / For The Times)
You mention the term McMindfulness in the book. Could you describe what that means and why it can be harmful?
Yes, there are many concerns about quick fixes for mental health. I talk a lot about how mental health really has to do with the health of all of our systems. When we sit with that, it can be overwhelming to recognize that we cannot be well until our systems are well. We can practice wellness, we can do the best we can, but feeling better in a sick world is not going to cure us. We need to fix the world. McMindfulness is about taking people into a toxic workplace and giving them mindfulness classes and not changing the toxic structures of the workplace. We should ask ourselves, “Why do they have these symptoms? And how can we make this workplace healthy so our workers don't get sick all the time?”
People need a sense of agency to thrive. But examining big problems through a systemic lens can create the impression that we have no control over our lives. How do you reconcile the two?
Every connection we have, every time we live with care and kindness, when we offer mutual aid or care for our neighbors, those little things become contagious. Day by day, we can choose whether to share our resources, whether it is our time, our care, or our inclusion. Every time we choose to care for others, it is contagious. Create a culture. And every little connection like that matters. So while stress and dysfunction can extend outward, I believe our kindness, our unity, and our caring can also extend outward.
CONCLUSIONS
From “It's Not You, It's the World: A Mental Health Survival Guide for All of Us”
That sounds wonderfully optimistic.
I think a lot about hope and I believe that hope has to be active. I think we can't just passively wish for a better future. And that's why I like to think about what agency I have today. It doesn't have to be about becoming the next world leader or finding a cure for cancer. What matters is every little decision I make to make the world a little brighter.
