When Nikki Haley, the latest woman in the race for the Republican nomination, started dating her now-husband, she looked at him and asked what his name was.
Puzzled, he told her it was Bill, something she already knew.
“You just don't look like a Bill. What is your full name? she replied, to which he replied: “William Michael.”
“From that point on, I started calling him Michael, and all my friends did the same,” she wrote in her 2012 memoir, “Can't Is Not an Option.”
“Before we knew it, he was universally known as Michael,” he continued. “Everyone who knew him before me knows him as Bill, and everyone who knew him after me knows him as Michael. He looks like a Michael.”
Mr. Haley even used that name in a South Carolina newspaper's bridal registry ad in 1996, before the couple's wedding. He's still called Michael.
That got me thinking: What happens when you don't see yourself dating someone with a particular name? Or if you just don't like your partner's name? If Mr. Right said his name was Chad, would that be a deal breaker? If the woman of your dreams had the same name as your mother, would you stop pursuing her or call her by something else?
The idea of ”looking” more like one name than another could arise from memories and specific characteristics that people have associated with certain names: know enough Bills and you're sure to form ideas about what a Bill is like. A strong reaction to a person's name (and certainly a reaction visceral enough to want to call your partner by a different name) usually comes from somewhere, said Carol Bruess, a professor emeritus at the University of St. Thomas in Minnesota and relationship social scientist. .
“When a name evokes an emotional reaction, it is usually due to a past or current relationship with someone who had that or a similar name,” he added.
According to Dr. Bruess, when we have had a traumatic or negative relationship with someone, those negative associations can easily be transferred to anyone with the same name.
“If you start dating someone with the same name as your emotionally abusive uncle, it may take time to reorient your emotional connection to the name,” she said. “Like any symbol, we can recreate and reassign meaning.”
One Reddit user even sought help from strangers to learn to love his girlfriend's name, Zelda. Apparently, her parents were “big literature fans” and her mother had an interest in the life of Zelda Fitzgerald.
“I love her. I just can't forget her name,” he wrote in one post. “I call her pet names and weird nicknames all the time, because I feel so weird calling her Zelda. It reminds me of Legend of Zelda, and I don't like the games , and my first thought is always 'who names their child after a video game?'”
Another user admitted not only that he didn't like his partner's name, Bradley, but confessed that he instead calls him baby “90 percent of the time.”
Opting to be known by a middle name isn't exactly uncharted territory for Haley, the former governor of South Carolina. Although her given name is Nimarata, she goes by Nikki, which she said It's on his birth certificate. (Former President Donald J. Trump has questioned Ms. Haley's name on the campaign trail, repeatedly misrepresenting her first name as a racist dog whistle.)
It is common for couples and families to refer to each other by nicknames or completely different names as a way to show affection, reflect a close bond, or pay tribute to an elder or ancestor.
In Ms. Haley's case, she changed her husband's name because she was still getting to know him and, at least by her account, did not appear to ask his permission.
Names are at the center of people's identities, according to linguist Laurel Sutton, president of the American Name Society. People change their names for a variety of reasons, including a gender transition, a difficult-to-spell name, or simply distaste for the one they were given. But usually it's your choice.
“Telling someone to change their name because of their personal preferences is a big ask,” he said.
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