I have never been so excited. Standing in line, my legs were jumping so fast that I was basically jumping. I'm not usually captivated by celebrities, but when I found out that my idol, Dick Van Dyke, was taking photos with his fans, I couldn't pass up the opportunity.
When I got to the front, I was trying to decide what to say to the legendary actor. “I love your work,” seemed too vulgar. “I love you!” It was creepy. As the options swirled around in my head, it occurred to me that this is what kids feel like waiting to meet Santa Claus. And maybe Van Dyke is a bit like Santa: white hair, rosy cheeks, happy and healthy. I always thought there was something about him that seemed a little magical.
I'm almost seven decades younger than Van Dyke, who recently turned 100, but I've always adored him. Growing up in Los Angeles, I loved watching “Mary Poppins” and “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,” but my favorite was “The Dick Van Dyke Show.”
I loved watching Van Dyke's character, Rob Petrie, handle his antics at work and at home. He adored his wife, Laura (played by Mary Tyler Moore), and brought that goofy, fun, not-too-seriously charm to almost every scene.
“Hello,” I said when I got to the front of the line, stuck between “Hello” and “Hello.”
“How are you?” I think he said, but I couldn't be sure. In my excitement, my senses failed me.
“Smile!” A man behind the camera instructed. I posed and then shuffled out of the booth, trying not to say another embarrassing word. I picked up my 8 by 10 inch photograph and treasured it. At home, I proudly displayed it in my living room.
Years later, I was married with a small child when I found the photograph framed in a box. Life had been so busy that I couldn't remember the last time I sat down and watched my favorite actor. I played “Mary Poppins” for my daughter and me. Of course, she loved it.
The next day I bought Van Dyke's audiobook “My Lucky Life in and Out of Show Business” and started listening to it during long drives in city traffic. I couldn't believe how little I knew about his life.
I learned about his time in the Air Force, the years he tried to find his place as an artist, his alcoholism, and the times he struggled to pay his rent. I loved the book, impressed by Van Dyke's vulnerability.
But then I got to the part about their divorce.
After being married for three decades, Van Dyke began an affair in the 1970s. He spoke about how the relationship and other factors ended his marriage. I guess I knew Van Dyke had been married more than once, but hearing him talk about this part of his life was surprisingly painful.
Reflexively, I hit the off button on my car stereo. It was like listening to my own father talk about an adventure. I just didn't want to hear it.
For days I felt angry, even betrayed. I knew it wasn't fair to feel that way. I knew I was being irrational. But I clung to a vision of Van Dyke as a cool, funny, wholesome person.
I come from a long line of divorced couples. My parents were divorced, as were my grandparents and even some great-grandparents. I knew “The Dick Van Dyke Show” wasn't real, but I liked to think there was some truth to the charming, devoted marriage I grew up watching. Van Dyke and the show gave me hope that my future marriage would not succumb to my apparent family curse.
I felt deflated. I guess Van Dyke wasn't as healthy as I had imagined.
Maybe she was very sensitive or very bitter. I had been married for a few years and being married was harder than I expected. I guess I thought most of the work was choosing the right person. So she had been very careful in choosing a husband. I found someone smart and funny who made me laugh. And we don't rush to get married; We dated for years. I watched his character, paying attention to the way he spoke to friends and strangers. I studied the way he treated me when I was sick or overwhelmed. I could have written a thesis on his personality. When we got engaged, I was sure of him.
But the stressors of the pandemic took me by surprise. Parenting, while wonderful, brought out new sides of us that didn't exist when we were dating. I thought that with all my caution from the beginning, things would be very simple. But changing diapers, juggling deadlines, and trying to make space for each other was difficult.
Plus, my subconscious model of marriage wasn't real. I tried not to replicate the unions of my relatives and, in that void, I clung to a television show. He felt ridiculous. Perfect relationships are not real. And neither does Rob Petrie.
I went to therapy. My husband and I went to therapy together. Some days I felt like everything was going great, while others left me frustrated and exhausted. We kept trying to make it work.
One day, I was taking my preschooler to the library's storytime when I clicked on Van Dyke's audiobook again. Marriage seemed especially impossible. As I listened to Van Dyke talk about the end of his first marriage, I felt strangely protective of my husband and our relationship.
I didn't want to give up.
Thinking back, I respect Van Dyke's inclusion of his divorce and everything else in the book. I'm sure it's not easy to write about the end of a marriage and share the details with the public.
In college, when my husband and I were recently dating, we went to Disneyland to see an annual holiday choir performance during which a celebrity read the story of the first Christmas. That night, the celebrity was Van Dyke.
I remember confessing to my husband that I dreaded Christmas every year. It always reminded me of my parents arguing about how to divide my time (Christmas Eve here, Christmas there) and how I hated spending my holidays traveling. Even as a child, I couldn't relate to the excitement of the Christmas spirit or Santa Claus.
That night, listening to Van Dyke speak, I felt very happy, at peace, and in love. There was something powerful and beautiful in the air. Something that seemed a little magical.
If we are lucky, we will live a long life. Maybe he'll even live to be 100 years old. But in that time, we will make mistakes. Let's change. Not all partnerships will last.
The only thing we can do is hope to find someone we like, who makes us laugh and helps us feel, even from time to time, that there is magic in the world.
The author is a freelancer, teacher and mother of three children. Lives in Orange County. You can find her on Instagram: @jillianpretzelwriter.
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