tHe glances fleetingly across the ballroom. The tears that well up in your eyes at the mere thought of someone. The tension could be cut with a knife. The Regency Game on Netflix Bridgerton We would have us believe that the current third season, which began last week, is about the romance between bookish Penelope Featherington (Nicola Coughlan) and boy-next-door Colin (Luke Newton). But when I watched, the real tension was between two of the main leads. Instead of wishing the romantic leads would get together, I was struck by the sadness of a breakup between best friends Penelope and Eloise (Claudia Jessie).
We've seen this teenage duo go from witty, happy-go-lucky observers of London's social scene to icy enemies who can't stand being in the same room. They comforted each other and planned for the future with simple intimacy, two misfits who had found their tribe. Watching the current breakdown of the “Peneloise” relationship (the fan hybrid name for the two beloved characters), I really felt it in my gut.
I knew these feelings were echoes of the breakdown of my own friendship: a fight with a dear friend from my teenage years. It happened when we were in our twenties, when other friendships and relationships took us in different directions. He entered into a relationship with a man who I felt was controlling and seemed to withdraw from his usual friendships and hobbies. (I'm sure she would say that her setback was simply the reality of being in her first good romantic relationship, and I didn't support her decisions.) Harsh words were exchanged. She felt irreparable.
By this time, we had abandoned the structures of school, university, and our old social circles, so unlike “Peneloise,” we had little reason to be together. She stayed with her boyfriend and the breakup never healed. Other friends of his also seemed to fall by the wayside. When she got married a few years later, it seemed surreal to look at a photo of her surrounded by bridesmaids and new friends, none of whom I recognized.
While I've rid myself of countless romantic heartbreaks thanks to the power of self-reflection, racing, and heavy doses of Beyoncé, that formative, platonic breakup still bothers me. My teenage best friend occasionally appears in my dreams; This is not the case with any of my ex-boyfriends, no matter how traumatic the separation is. It seems that ex-friends have the power to stay in our psyche and impact our lives for much longer than ex-lovers.
Counselor Georgina Sturmer, who specializes in topics including relationship dynamics and loss, says she hears this a lot from clients. “We don't have a road map for friendship breakups like we do for romantic relationships,” she tells me. With a romantic partner, we've seen endless models and scenarios in art and culture for breakups: the old clichés of crying with your friends and opening the ice cream. Instead, we often see an idealized “sisterhood” of female friendships on screen and in books. If we can't maintain our friendships long-term, the feeling of failure can be powerful.
“The state of our friendships is also a big part of how we feel about ourselves,” says Sturmer. “When we have people who care about us, it makes us feel resilient, like someone has our back. When that happens, it can be incredibly isolating.”
It's pain, it's loss, and it can be even harder with friendships because we can often still see what they are doing, on social media or through mutual friends.
Georgina Sturmer, counselor
Rejection from friends can bring us back to the playground, he adds, in a way that the end of a romantic relationship might not. “You can feel, 'If that person doesn't want to spend time with me, it must mean something very deep and personal about me.'” That's certainly true of my former friendship; Years later, I barely think about the way my ex-boyfriends see me, but I hate to imagine that my ex-friend is out there thinking badly of me.
I asked friends and acquaintances about their platonic breakups, and a surprising number of them felt moved to send me candid messages and voice notes about their experiences. One of them pointed out that there is usually no official “end” to a friendship, or a final conversation, as there is with a long-term couple. More often, it's a trivial argument or a passing comment that you never recover from.
Some told me it felt more like losing a family member than a partner. “We were inseparable from the ages of 17 to 25,” says a friend of a now-lost relationship. “It ruined me more than the end of a relationship.”
I ask Sturmer how we can close the divisions that still haunt us. “I ask clients, what are you looking for from the situation?” she says. “An apology? An explanation? Are you looking to explain yourself if you feel you acted wrong? If that kind of conversation isn't possible, encourage you to write down what you wish you could say to that friend, or even say the words out loud. high.
Whatever you do, she says, don't minimize how important that friendship was to you, or feel like you have to get over the sadness that surrounds it. “It's pain, it's loss, and it can be even harder with friendships because we can often still see what they're doing, on social media or through mutual friends.”
One thing I will say about having had an early, catastrophic breakup of a friendship is that it has made me acutely aware of the cracks in my close friendships since then. One of the reasons for our fight was a lack of communication and care for each other over the last year or two of our relationship; Now, if I find myself heading in a similar direction with a friend, I make sure to address it. I'd rather have a difficult conversation from the beginning than let another friendship reach the point of no return.
My big calculation, 11 years later, was: Would my friend and I have stayed close if he had been a little more emotionally mature, taken a breath, and approached our rough patch in a more empathetic way? Maybe. In the end, I'm afraid our breakup was based on values: if it happened today, I would still think that replacing all your old friends with one man was a bad choice, while she would still think that life and love are about moving forward. and ascend, shedding the old skin. Maybe our breakup was always on the cards; We just didn't know it when we were eager teenagers.
On screen, I hope Penelope and Eloise patch things up and continue gossiping about “high society” for many more series. Bridgerton. But I also accept that friends can be present in our lives simply for “a reason, a season, or a lifetime,” as poet Brian A Chalker said. I still have good memories of our years together: drinking cheap supermarket wine, ordering pizzas, watching dirty Dancing until 1 in the morning. Maybe it doesn't matter who was wrong, who was right, or how well we handled it. Maybe all we can do is get to the point of peace? To say: I think of her often and wish her the best.
