Anxious or avoidant? How to Become a More Confident Dating Person

in a Tik Tok which has been viewed almost a million times, one woman explains that the way her husband calms down after an argument is by “being in my skin, stuck to me like a bug on a rug.”

As someone with an avoidant attachment style, it's the exact opposite of how you handle conflict, she says. While she tends to withdraw and needs time alone to process her feelings, her husband, who has an anxious attachment style, likes to address problems immediately and needs more reassurance from her.

The woman goes on to explain how she and her husband handle fights despite their conflicting attachment styles, a hot topic on TikTok and beyond. First developed by psychologist John Bowlby In the late 1950s, after studying how babies reacted when separated from their primary caregivers, attachment theory looked at how people bond with others.

The most compelling thing about the 58-second TikTok is not the practical advice but the comments section.

“Avoidant people should stay out of relationships,” one person commented, adding that people with avoidant attachment styles are damaged goods.

Another person wrote: “No, I don't know why I always have to adapt to the avoiders so they just leave me for my style.”

“I think a little therapy won't hurt you, he needs to have more confidence in himself,” another commented.

It's something that Jeff Gunthera licensed professional counselor who posts relationship advice on social media under the name Jeff Therapyoften see in the comments of his videos about attachment theory.

“The comments section is out of control,” says the Los Angeles native, who currently resides in Portland, Oregon. “Usually there are a lot of anxiously attached people talking about their anxiety and how much they want to connect, and all the avoiders are not commenting… they're avoiding.”

Although there is discord between anxious and avoidant people, who fall under the umbrella of insecurity, neither is intrinsically good or bad, he says. Junie AbitoLicensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles.

“I know many people with avoidant attachment who live happy lives with their partner,” Abito says, adding that she has an anxious attachment style and is married to someone who is avoidant.

While it's common for people to attack avoiders on social media, Amir Levine, co-author of the 2010 book “Attach,” which helped fuel the recent rise of attachment theory, says that we are not stuck in one style or another for the rest of our lives.

“There is only a weak correlation between child attachment style and adult attachment style,” says Levine, a clinical psychiatrist and neuroscientist at Columbia University, adding that during adolescence the brain is still developing and more malleable. But as we age and begin to rely less on our caregivers and more on our peers, the way we connect with others can evolve. Our experiences with other people can also have an impact.

For this reason, Levine says, attachment styles are not set in stone: “It's more like the beginning of a conversation about how to improve relationships and how to find alignment between people.” Knowing what the styles are can intuitively help people feel more confident in their dates, adds Levine, who is currently working on another book about how to feel confident in all relationships, not just romantic ones.

The benefit of becoming a more confident dater is experiencing “love in a way that doesn't turn you into a mess” and healthy relationships, says Kirstie Taylor, who shares tips for anxious daters about Tik Tok and instagram.

So whether you lean more toward the anxious or avoidant side of the spectrum, relationship experts say there's hope for everyone to feel more secure in their love lives. This is how you can do it.

Identify your attachment style

The first step to becoming a confident dater is to discover what drives the way you act in relationships.

“You have to know your s—,” Abito says. “What bothers you, what makes you feel worse. You have to know what you're doing. Your self-awareness is really what will allow you to date smarter. [and] more confident”.

Most people fall into three categories: anxious, avoidant, and secure. There is also a less common style, fearful-avoidant (also known as disorganized attachment). Securely attached people are trustworthy, can effectively communicate their boundaries, and do not shy away from intimacy or difficult conversations. Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to avoid vulnerability for fear of getting too close to others and prefer to deal with their feelings privately. Anxious people fear rejection and abandonment, and may appear clingy or needy. A fearful avoidant (a combination of anxious and avoidant) desperately wants to connect, but finds ways to push the partner away from her due to distrust.

There are a multitude of web quizzes, including the 18-question test that Levine created with her co-author, Rachel Heller, that you can take online to discover your attachment style. You can also talk to a licensed therapist or determine this yourself by observing how you handle conflict in your daily life.

“Think about a time when you had a difficult interaction with a friend,” Abito says. “How did you achieve that?” A person who avoids the situation may be passive or let things happen easily, while someone who is anxious may be more sensitive. Abito says you can also reflect on how you perceived your caregivers as a child and how you perceive your relationship with them now.

Once you've figured out which bucket you fall into, don't judge yourself.

“Don't be ashamed,” Guenther says, adding that no one chooses their attachment style because it is formed in childhood. “Don't let those anxious babies make you feel bad about yourself.” [avoidant] attachment style.

She adds, “If we learn to communicate our needs while still owning them, then we can find someone who can really be there and give us more validation or more space.”

Go deeper and investigate

Once you know your attachment style, you can pay attention to how it manifests in your love life.

For anxious daters, Guenther says to figure out when anxiety manifests itself within you. Is it when the person you're dating takes hours to text back? Or does it happen when they don't follow up after a date? Some questions you can ask yourself are: “Why do they provoke me? What happens to my brain when anxiety hijacks it? Can I tolerate this feeling without urgently acting on it?

In those moments when you feel anxious, Abito suggests staying away from your phone, which triggers you the most.

Because if you don't take a break from frantically checking your phone, “it's going to be very difficult for you to get to the point of finally controlling your nervous system,” he says. Once you have done that, then you can make a grounding exercise like breathing deeply or going for a walk, to avoid acting on impulse or falling into mental spirals.

While an anxious person is usually very aware of their feelings, avoidants tend to repress their emotions and don't know how to handle them.

“An avoidant person often doesn't know when their nervous system is activated,” says Abito, so they need to discover their triggers and what is happening in their body before they become blocked and shut down. “It may be that your heart is beating fast. It could be that his hands are getting clammy. So they have to take a break. They have to physically say, 'I'm closing up right now, I need a moment,' and then come back.”

All daters can find it helpful to meditate on their experiences, says Taylor, author of “What I wish I knew about love.”

“After a date, you can write about how you felt or you can do a monthly reflection,” she says. Some questions you can ask yourself are “What has my love life been like?” “Was there any major events that came up, like someone letting me know they didn't want to date me anymore, and how did I handle it?”

She adds: “Ideally, I would like to get to the root of the question: 'What are the fears I have around dating and how can I challenge them and how can I create habits that start to help me feel confident?'”

Communicate your needs

The next step is to clearly communicate your needs and how you feel to the person you're dating, even if it grosses you out.

Because these behaviors are so ingrained, it can be difficult to know when you're triggering another person or vice versa if you're not honest about it. So before you rule that person out, Abito says you should ask yourself if you've honestly communicated your needs and expectations.

You have to be brave enough to tell the person that you don't like their behavior and then give them a chance to come to an agreement, he says.

The main difference between having a secure partner and an insecure one is that if a problem arises, a secure person will ask necessary questions like: “What should we do together to satisfy all our needs or reach an agreement?” How must our relational system change for us to be happy? says Günther. While an insecure person will respond by telling his partner: “This is how you satisfy my needs and good luck with yours.”

Give yourself grace

You won't become a confident dater overnight. It takes time and practice to reflect and reconfigure your behaviors. In the meantime, use what you know about your attachment style to help you find more suitable partners who will give you what you need in a relationship, says Abito. And don't forget to give yourself lots of grace.

“Use your attachment style to your advantage,” he says. “Use it as a tool to date more confidently and less chaotically.” [and] to date with intention.” Because when you meet the right person, he adds, “you will be loved and accepted for who you are, not because you have this or that attachment style.”