For 10 years I have belonged to a walking group of 12 women. We all raise our children together. We take long walks on Saturday mornings and have a lively group chat. We also go to dinner once a month. I feel lucky to be friends with these women. The problem: A woman who coordinates the group with me recently added her best friend, with whom I had a fight several years ago. She broached the idea of including her in the group chat on a day when she wasn't checking my phone. (She knows about our fight). I haven't seen this other woman in years and have no interest in reconciling with her. This group was my most valued social outlet; Now I don't want to participate anymore. That I have to do?
WALKER
Over time, affinity groups, like your walking group, take on a life of their own. Nobody owns them. And I suspect that trying to stop a woman from joining friendly group walks on public roads would seem petty and petty to your friends.
Forgive me if I'm misunderstanding the setup, but you probably don't walk 12 in a row or single file. I imagine the group will be divided into smaller subgroups of three or four women who will be able to change company during the course of a walk. So even if you're committed to staying away from this other woman, it seems relatively easy to avoid walking with her (or sitting next to her at a monthly dinner).
Now, you haven't shared the details of your fight. So I want to be respectful of your feelings while also asking the essential question: are you really willing to give up your “most prized social outlet” for a years-long dispute? I know (firsthand) that it can be difficult to let go of old grudges, but I hope, for your sake, that you're willing to try. Otherwise, you're just reproaching yourself.
There's more than one way to look at a brother.
My husband and I do not have children. We live a few miles from my brother and his wife, who have an older son and a grandson. I asked my brother to include us in his weekly family gatherings from time to time. So far my request has been ignored. My brother just found out that they had a birthday dinner for his grandson, to which we were not invited. Should he ask why we were excluded (and risk looking hurt) or let it go?
BROTHER
Let me suggest a third possibility. Instead of focusing on excluding her or pretending it doesn't bother you, take a more positive approach: pick a date with her husband in a few weeks and invite his brother and her family to dinner at her house. she. There are more ways to see people than by being their guests. You may even start a new family dinner tradition.
Can a pantry leak? Looks like ours did.
Our neighbors' daughters, ages 6 and 8, come to play with our daughter frequently. (She also goes to her house). The girls are great and the family is lovely. The problem: I get stressed when the neighbors' kids eat all our food! I have a family of five and the cost and time required to stock our refrigerator and pantry for the week is enormous. So when the girls ask for sandwiches, apples, several clementines, or whatever else they see, my heart sinks because I know there won't be enough for my family. The girls eat a lot. So what should I do knowing that my daughter eats snacks at her house?
NEIGHBOR
I am tremendously understanding of the cost and work of feeding your family of five. (I feel like I spend half my life shopping and cooking, and I'm only responsible for two adults and a small dog.) Remember that you are the adult in this situation, not a fast food cook, and that the girls are quite young.
The next time they start looking for food in your kitchen, tell them that they will receive a snack (something you can plan ahead) at a certain time. If they want something different, send them home to get it. Now, if I've misjudged and you don't want to feed the girls at all, she talks to her parents: “We love your kids, but I'm struggling to keep our refrigerator stocked. Can we skip the snacks on play dates? There is no shame in making sure your family's needs are met.
The difficulty of doing nothing
My youngest son lives in Colorado. He eloped in September and the newlyweds will have a wedding party there this spring. Our oldest son has criticized these arrangements. He and his wife say it's too much for them to fly from New York to Colorado with his five-year-old son, even though the boy had flown to Greece before. We suggested that they leave our grandson with his other grandparents, but they did not do so. My youngest son considers this disrespectful. What's a mother to do?
MOTHER
Get out, no matter how painful it may be. This is a conflict between your adult children. As much as you want to help solve it, only they can do it. If a child complains to you, suggest that he speak directly to her brother. His continued entanglement risks alienating one or both of them. (I'm sorry.)
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on platform
