14 Things Parents Should and Shouldn't Say to Teens About Sex

If moms and dads want their soon-to-be-adult children to be sexually healthy, confident and informed, talking to them about sexual health, rather than letting them get all the “facts” from their friends and social media, is a sensible way to parent.

And there's no better time to address the issue than World Sexual Health Day on September 4, which has positive relationships as its theme.

“For many parents, the prospect of talking to teenagers about sex is – in their words – hugely embarrassing,” says Rebecca Cant, resource development coordinator at Brook, the sexual health and wellbeing charity.

“However, talking to teens means giving them the knowledge they need to make informed decisions, develop healthy relationships and understand their bodies.”

Cant says research shows that when young people receive good quality sex education, both at school and at home, they are more likely to delay sexual activity, have their first sexual encounter consensual, and are more likely to practice safe sex and seek help when things go wrong.

“Sex education at home can complement what is taught in schools and fill in the gaps, especially when it comes to values, beliefs and the emotional aspects of relationships,” she explains. “It also offers teenagers a reliable source of information, which helps dispel myths and misconceptions they may encounter from their peers or on the Internet.”

But if you're not sure how to talk to your teen about sex and what you should and shouldn't say, you're not alone. Here's Cant's advice…

1. Forget the idea of ​​“a big talk”

Cant says sitting down to talk can be very awkward, noting, “The key to making conversations natural is to talk little and often.” If a movie or news article talks about sex and relationships, she suggests parents ask their teens what they think about it or share their own perspective.

2. Acknowledge shame

open image in gallery

It’s normal to feel awkward or embarrassed talking about sex, especially if you grew up in a home where it wasn’t openly discussed, Cant says. “Acknowledging this can help ease the tension — for example, you can say, ‘I know this can be a little embarrassing to talk about, and I’ve never talked about this with my parents, but I’m going to do the best I can. ’”

3. Use the correct terminology

Cant recommends using the correct names for body parts and functions. “This promotes a healthy understanding of their bodies and normalizes the conversation,” she says.

4. Talk about consent

Teach your teen the importance of respecting their own body and the bodies of others. Cant says, “Explain to everyone that everyone has the right to make decisions about their own body and that we should respect the boundaries of others.”

She suggests that practicing everyday consent around physical affection is also a good idea, so asking your teen if they want a hug, for example, is a good way to model respect for boundaries.

5. Talk about emotions and relationships

Explain that sex is not just a physical act, but also involves emotional connections, and encourage them to think about their feelings and values. Cant suggests a helpful phrase might be: “Take time to think about how you feel about things; your emotions are just as important as the physical side of relationships.”

6. Encourage questions

Let your teen know that you appreciate their questions and are there to help. Cant suggests that parents reassure teens by telling them that they are glad they asked and acknowledging that it may take courage to ask a question.

7. Use distancing techniques

If your teen is uncomfortable talking about sex-related topics, try distancing techniques, Cant advises. “Invoke your inner Attenborough and ask questions in an anthropological way that doesn’t feel too personal. For example, say things like, ‘Humans are so interesting, why do you think we tend to cover our private parts? ’”

8. Speak inclusively

Cant recommends talking inclusively about different types of relationships and sexual orientations from a young age and normalising conversations about LGBT+ identities. “Make it clear that love and relationships come in many forms, and that they are all respected. You could say: “People love in many different ways and it’s completely normal, what matters most is that relationships are based on respect and care.”

9. Don't use euphemisms

Avoid using vague or euphemistic language that can create confusion or embarrassment. “Use clear, direct language to ensure understanding,” Cant advises.

10. Avoid assumptions

Don’t assume your teen knows everything or nothing. “Assess their knowledge and build from there,” Cant suggests. “Instead of assuming, ask them what they already know about the topic.”

open image in gallery

11. Don't judge

Don't express surprise or disapproval, as this can disrupt communication and make your teen hesitant to speak up in the future. Cant says that if they share something surprising, parents can respond by thanking them and suggesting you talk more about it so you can fully understand it.

12. Don't ignore their feelings

If your teen expresses discomfort or anxiety, acknowledge these feelings, Cant advises. “Don’t dismiss their emotions or rush the conversation,” she says, suggesting that parents could say, “I can see that this makes you uncomfortable. It’s OK to feel that way; we can talk about this at your own pace.”

13. Don't overwhelm them

Keep your teen's age and maturity level in mind. Too much information at once can be confusing or overwhelming, Cant says, so start with the basics and suggest revisiting a topic later.

14. Don't just keep going without doing anything

If a question catches you off guard and you need a moment to gather your thoughts, don't push ahead. Cant suggests, “Try saying, 'Can I have a moment to have a cup of tea and then we can chat about it?'”

She adds: “Remember that talking about sex with your teenager is an ongoing dialogue that evolves as he or she grows and matures.”