From the outside it looked like Adam Alter was slipping.
At age 28, he earned a doctorate in psychology from Princeton and soon after landed a job as a tenured professor at New York University's Stern School of Business.
But he felt stuck. Preparing to teach while doing research became overwhelming, especially after coming out of five intense years of graduate school. And although he was often surrounded by people in New York City, he missed having a close network of friends.
He compared it to being stuck on a conveyor belt. “I was making a career out of myself,” he said, “but I wasn't sure if those were the ways I wanted to be successful.”
Dr. Alter, who has been a professor for 15 years, has dedicated much of his career to researching the notion of feeling stuck. In 2020, he surveyed hundreds of people on the topic, and every respondent said they felt stuck in at least one area: failed creative pursuits, stagnant careers, unsatisfying relationships, inability to save money… the list went on.
Why we stay stuck.
Falling into a rut or feeling stuck from time to time is a universal experience, said Dr. Alter, whose latest book, “Anatomy of a Breakthrough,” offers 100 ways to break through the rut.
Because? When approaching any long-term goal, you inevitably reach a dead end, he said. And because some goals don't have clear endpoints, it can be difficult to feel like you're making progress.
Other sticking points can arise from big life changes, such as an illness, having a baby, moving, or being laid off. Dr. Alter found that people tend to be especially self-reflective as they approach a new decade, such as age 29 or 39, and that these turning points can feel overwhelming when life doesn't go as planned.
How to get unstuck.
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Do a 'friction audit': Friction auditing is a way for organizations to eliminate areas of inefficiency. People can apply the same principles to their own lives by identifying things that create obstacles and add complications or stress, Dr. Alter said.
To start, try asking: Am I repeating certain patterns that are not helpful? Are there certain things I do regularly that I don't enjoy? The next step is to trim or smooth out each friction point. Let's say you dread your daily commute but feel powerless to change it. Dr. Alter suggested asking yourself, “What is the part that makes you less attractive?” What specific changes can you make to address the problem? Will listening to a great podcast or audiobook help you? If you drive, can you share the vehicle with other coworkers? Is there a way to work from home more often?
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Reframe negative thoughts: Maybe you engage in “catastrophizing” or think the worst will happen. Or maybe you're too hard on yourself and have a case of “shoulds,” as in, “I should have done more at work,” even when you achieved a good amount. Persistent thoughts like these can create stress and interfere with your goals, said Judy Ho, a clinical neuropsychologist and associate professor at Pepperdine University.
Try reframing your thinking, Dr. Ho suggested. For example, instead of “I'm going to fail at this project,” you can think, “I'm going to do the best I can, and if I'm struggling, I'll ask for help.” Finally, he said, try to evaluate his thoughts objectively: “I'm having this thought. What is the evidence for this? And what is the evidence against it?
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Try 'futurocasting': “Imagine a future life where you're not stuck,” said Sarah Sarkis, a clinical psychologist and executive coach in Boston. How does it look? How do you feel?
Then think about specific steps that would help you work toward that vision. Write those steps down, ideally by hand. This helps us engage with them, Dr. Sarkis said. And don't wait until you feel “ready,” he added. If you can, do at least one step each day, but be kind to yourself if you can't. If you skip a day or two, start again tomorrow. “Paint the future you are looking for,” Dr. Sarkis said. “Make a plan to get there.”
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Share your goal: It may also be helpful to tell other people about your plans. Adam Cheyer, co-creator of Siri and vice president of AI Experience at Airbnb, said this was crucial to his success. “The simple force of putting words into the world now makes you believe, makes you commit,” he told an audience at the University of California, Berkeley. The added benefit is that people may want to help you. “Somehow, the universe will help you achieve this goal,” he said. “It's been a huge, huge tool for me.”
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Do something meaningful: Spending time on activities that align with your values ”moves you forward if you feel stuck in unrelated areas of your life,” Dr. Alter said. When he was feeling unmotivated early in his teaching career, he came across a poster in his gym: a group was looking for volunteers to help raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society by running in the New York City Marathon. It felt almost like destiny, he said; one of his friends had died of leukemia years before. While training, he ended up making several friends. “I felt like a more productive person and it gave me confidence to tackle other areas of my life,” he said. “We need meaning more than ever when we feel stuck.”
